Sunday, March 27, 2011

I'm a Commitment Phobe

I'm currently reading this.

It was an impulse purchase. I'm never in Barnes & Noble. Never.

My father incessantly push that I go there to find a book to read on Social Media Marketing, for an interview I had upcoming and before I could even head over to the never exciting marketing section, I found "self-help".

The thing that I'm constantly in search of.


The point of self-help, I'm realizing, foolishly enough to even repeat out loud is to help oneself.
The thing I never seem to do.

I don't help myself, but seek out endlessly ways to find help.
The book, ironically enough that I planned to browse through and return immediately for my $13.99 plus New York State sales tax, is actually forcing me to take a hard, hard look at things I've negatively created in myself. The fact that the only person I can actually get to help myself is me, and that I've turned to a list of negative alternatives including relationships to fix what only I can fix. I never really thought I had low self-esteem, until reading so much and seeing myself mirrored in the pages. I don't think, now I know I have low self-esteem. No one is going to be able to fix that but me, no amount of friendships or relationships and praise from men is going to alter that.

I have a disgusting view of commitment. I don't commit to anything that involves me-my growth, well-being ("can usually wait till I get insurance, or..."), things I enjoy etc. My only view of commitment are those involving dating and marriage and loyalty. I display none of this loyalty and commitment to myself. From the basics of my hair falling out and a near retinal detachment because I don't commit to my personal health. I'm the first one to cook or harass the 'boyfriend' of the moment about what he has eaten, has he eaten, what to eat, if I should make something but when it comes to me...what I eat never matters. Even though it's blatantly affected my health negatively, I continue to overlook it. My 'boyfriends' have always had passions, and hobbies that I break myself as a supporter of-basketball games, baseball games, UFC fights-things outside realm of me, their girlfriend.

I don't have these things. I've never committed to anything outside of them.

I have become only to exist in a shell of a body that I don't take care of anyway. I'm too busy pleasing or taking care of mans body.
Don't get me wrong. I still want to fix my relationship with the All-Star, which recently ended due to a flurry of confusion.
I'm heartbroken beyond words, lonely beyond thought........

I do however, need to commit to something, for me.
Rather, I need to commit to me.

I've tried this before, and failed. Last summer to be exact. I have commitment issues when it comes to me but not when it comes to anyone else-friend or lover.
It's going to be difficult. It has been really difficult.
The last week has been a lot of crying.
But I turn 25 in two weeks. I feel as if there's anytime to make a commitment to anything that has to do with me, or to me, period now is the time. I'm trying to make myself realize that I'm stuck with me, whether I like it or not. Friends, lovers, whatever, I'm not stuck with. Yes, be loyal but there's a degree of commitment that I owe myself first.

Hopefully, I can stick to the task.
I deserve it from me.


Anonymous said...

It sounds like Dr. Laura has proven to be a BIG help. It truly amazes me how the human mind works. How we - in the possession of such intelligence that we from the rawest of materials can innovate technologies that enable us to visit distant worlds; contain the creativity to compose masterpieces from daydreams & have the capacity of such compassion that we oft reach out to those in pain irregardless of if they be our neighbor or, a stranger thousands of miles distant - often have a blind spot when it comes to maintaining ourselves.

I hope you do not mind but I feel the need share a little. Just a quick thought before I do. Have you ever considered that some of your relationship issues may be related to your inability to follow through on self commitment? When we feel inadequate within ourselves we tend to instinctively seek out a partner with whom a relationship is doomed to failure. It is a bit of a, for the lack of a better term at the moment “self fulfilling prophecy”. I don't love me, so I'm not worthy of being loved & I re-affirm that point by repeatedly inserting myself into unhealthy situations where the ultimate outcome is always pain. Like I said, just a quick thought take from it what you will.

Once upon a while ago I could be found in the vicinity of that which you are discussing. I unknowingly spent much of my life harboring low self esteem & soothing the wounds with every bit of adulation I could soak out of others... right up through my 24th birthday (I often share with people - I serve as a mentor to at risk youth & young adults - Regarding young adults, it has been my surprise to discover that the 22-25 age corridor seems to be a common link as to when matters come to a head). To that point by all outward appearances I was in control, the life of the party, everybody's friend & around my neighborhood carried the ever awkward "man's man" label. Sounds great right? At the time I thought so, well for a while anyway… Over the course of 2002 which was my 24th year, I noticed a change within me. The things that used to satiate my ego & thereby make me feel good, their effects began to wane. So as a result the nights of partying grew longer, the booze ever stronger & yet I was still hungry. It was as if no matter how much I took in, the void inside me would grow by just that much more.

I would have been only a scant few months younger than you when I started having real "difficulties". It started one night when I was out at the club & I got this feeling of being extremely dizzy along with a slight case of claustrophobia. I dismissed it as a bad combo of a hot night & too much dancing so I headed home to sleep it off but it returned the next day & the ones which followed. It finally culminated about a week later with those same sensations being accompanied by profuse sweating & getting uncontrollably emotional. Concerned I went to see my doctor who informed me that what I had been experiencing were panic attacks.

To make a long story short (or in order to prevent a much longer commentary from occurring.) the root cause was that I had neglected myself for years. I had been internalizing my issues instead of dealing with them as they occurred & my mind had reached its breaking point. Over the course of time I learned how to rewire my thought processes & the benefit of facing things head on instead of circling around them. I discovered that even though this hurts more in the short term it helps to prevent perpetuating the same mistake & makes me healthier over the long haul. I also learned that I am the one person I can’t hide from & my self esteem went through the roof once I embraced who I am as opposed to continually forcing myself to meet other peoples perceptions.

While my social website friend listings may be a lot shorter these days & my phone no longer rings like it once did. I discovered myself & that is a trade off I would make a thousand times over again.

New Jack said...

There's so much I want to say about this, but I'm in a rush and cant..
I love your comments, as you already know! What I will say very quickly is the part on the relationship thing, I don't seek out inadvertently people which things are doomed to fail. I am looking for a stable, committed relationship in which these individuals and I agree upon in the beginning and everything starts out well. I do have a very large heart, so it's natural to me to show an "overage" in the care department when it comes to things involving them. I do feel as if I DESERVE love and I think that's why I'm affected so much more so when I get cheated on. I am a good woman and I deserve these things, though not self-committed (and SHOULD BE and going to WORK on that), I treat men wonderfully and if I happen to become said man's girlfriend/fiancee/wife me knowing who I am as a caretaker, you're guaranteed an excellent mate in me. I internalize their behaviors as something being wrong with me that causes the cheating, etc despite me knowing in some corner of my heart that I've done nothing but be there for that man 500%, so this is NOT my fault. The repetition of it happening in my life makes me believe its my fault. Every new man, I'm even a BIGGER caretaker for in efforts to prevent the same thing from happening-THATS where my commitment comes in, tied also to the man I happen to develop feelings for themselves.

But I definitely have a serious, serious commitment to self issue and its terrible.

Anonymous said...

I failed to notice your reply until after submitting my most recent comments. How’s that for paying attention?

It was just as I said, a quick thought which passed through my mind when reading your post & thought worthy of being broached into the current discussion. That said; it is indeed of great relief to read that you do not feel as if you are constrained by such an issue. This quite honestly can be one of the worst when it comes to one’s own ability to break free from.

I am in complete agreement that you deserve to be loved. Coming from the stand point of what I would like to consider being a mature man, I feel that I can safely inform you that the cheating aspect is never, ever, the woman’s fault. Many males don’t know what they desire in this world & as such are unable to express themselves in a way that ANY woman can meet their needs, much less live up to their expectations.

In this regard, as much as you may have invested into a particular relationship & despite the pain of having it blow up in your face, the mindset of “good riddance to bad rubbish” must rule the day. Otherwise you would surely go insane…

Continue to trust in the fact that a man does exist out there who will treat you far better than anyone you have met to now & once you do cross paths with him, it will make all of the intimacy you have known to present feel as nothing more than school yard flirtations & will pull back the curtain on the posers of relationships past, exposing them for the mere boys that they were.