On this Friday evening, I'm not dancing...nor drinking...at least, not yet.
I had a horrible week at...we'll refer to it as, my place of employment. I would like to turn to a bottle and forget about it and absolutely every woman that I'm friends with is either out of town, or SLEEPING at 6:30 PM on a FRIDAY. Can we say HAPPY HOUR anyone? I completely aware of the state of affairs in the U.S., we're in an economic crisis..but in New York (at least in Nassau County), gas has officially dropped to $2.98-$3.13/gallon. This my friends translates to mean, you can do some serious damage with $10 at a bar during happy hour.
When circumstances come to this, the next idea is to devise a Craigslist.org post for friends. If you feel as if everyone in your list has some excuse for why they cannot hang out with you aside from the obvious Economic Crisis, then this is the time where you should pay for friends. Or, primarily investigate who would like to do it on a volunteer basis. I mean...I am a pretty fun bitch to be with...
Point aside.....
Maybe, this is a sign..
Perhaps, drinking alone, while eating a cheeseburger and ribs as I've already begun to do isn't the reason why it worked out that literally everyone I know is out of reach. My BFF is asleep, My BF, The Significant left for Alabama for two weeks, and I'm not going to run down the rest of the list people who refuse to keep me company at the current moment. Maybe I should be using this time for reflection...
I've been frequenting the investigation of an Oneonta student I know, one who's doing much better than I am. I look, filled with envy and hatred over the fact that she's excelled far further than I have and is doing all the things I think I should be doing...and I'm currently, no where near. It reminds me that I'm in a state of failure. Or, that place where I would call "success", there are so many others that I know that are having that same success despite this economy doing the things in entertainment I should be doing. The key word being, "should".
As the time progresses, and the more time I spend away from "the industry" I truly start to see that it's not a matter of what you know, but truly, who you know. I've strayed so far from my place of belonging that I'm not in the "who" anymore. This puts me in the position that I can't make as many moves as I'd so please to do because I have no "connections" to get me past that "Average Joe" status. I'm starting to feel lower than low daily, in combo because I'm not where I should be and my current job only aids in destroying my self esteem.
...Go Me...
I'm starting to realize, that maybe these are signs that I truly can't hide much longer. From anything.
I have court in 3 1/2 weeks, I can't run from that anymore. The Significant is in Alabama for two weeks, so no one to dry my tears from me crying about my job almost every..single..day. I'll have to man up because of that. Boss Lady returns from Cancun to the office on Monday, and though my confidence is in shambles, I have to appear to her as if I know what I'm doing and as if I'm completely about my wits...despite the fact that I'm dragging the entire "team" down. I've got to continue the work I'm doing to correct my credit, because this economy is a disaster. No more hiding behind Coach bags and shoes pretending that JP Morgan Chase didn't by Wamu and that things are GOING to be alright. They aren't. I've got to fix my shaking car, and start saving towards the truck I'm trying to get. Every new Juicy Couture outlet trip is pushing me hundreds of dollars away. Again, go me...
Openly, I currently I am truly in a state of no self-esteem. Especially seeing that people from Oneonta are all doing way better than...I am. So in efforts to wallow in self-pity, only for tonight (I hope), I guess 3 cheers to...
.................. drinking alone?
Hit this guy to hear "Dancing Alone" by Ashlee Simpson
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