Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I Hate This Part Right Here...

I was writing a draft of an e-mail to my ex,who goes by Steven but as in most posts in this blog Cj. I had titled it originally as such after listening to the same title track from The Pussycat Dolls new album "Doll Domination". I stopped very early in writing it again contemplating if he really deserves the explanation he seeks from me but the title track just became applicable to my job. I wasnt kidding about the swaggerwoman post..that Kryptonite feeling just got a whole lot worse...

I don't believe that any job should render one powerless. Which is the exact feeling I have every day when I rise to attend my current job, powerless. Or better yet, they've stripped me of my confidence. Already being shaky about the material that I'm dealing with, knowing that travel has nothing to do with anything I wish to do with my life, nor has it any connection to journalism or the entertainment business, its fair to say this is new to me. I've been being trained, and I've truly within the last month come to the crossroads of where the mother lets her birds out of the nest. Now, I'm undergoing, slowly, the freedom test of apply what you've learned. Now again, knowing that this wasn't my area of study I'm already shaky about the material. This incessant black cloud of me not exactly having a part of my actual life to tie to this has started to strip me of my confidence as to whether or not I can actually do this job; am I capable of this performance. Just when I thought I already didn't possess enough confidence, I got into a pretty wild argument with a co-worker, further adding to the pot thats already been brewing. What I'm not sure if anyone understands but me, is that, that situation might have truly been the nail in the coffin for me...

We argued over instructions on paperwork. This resulted in her speaking to me as if I were 10 years old as oppposed to her peer, which is what I am and then informing me that "Your job is not that hard..." Well by all means, remind me, why am I needed at this company if my job isn't so hard? And if it's so unimportant, why do we have Marketing Specialists at this company?

I hate this part...
The part where I'm rendered powerless...
The part where you risk professionalism in engaging in such severe fights with co-workers.
The part where if you speak up too loudly, you're a hoodrat or classless, and if you don't speak up you're quickly labeled as "weak" on a good day, "faggot" on a normal one.
I hate this part...looking at the economy and realizing I'm one of those fortunate people from God, who is still employed.
I hate realizing that even though the nail has gone into the coffin...I can't exactly quit unless I thought it was fierce to be homeless etc.

They're stripping me of my swag......
They're stripping me of my confidence....
Imagine, isn't it how it works that our lives might be blissful elsewhere and in just one facet, just one, it fucks up everything? The Significant and I for months now? Wonderful. Family currently? Completely happy and healthy. Though I'm ill, I'm getting the expensive help I need to be better, so I almost can can't complain about that. I feel drained. And its only getting worse.

More and more, I'm realizing I have to move on towards my true writing calls...and stop being stripped of everything I CAME somewhere with...
I entered with everything, and it appears they're trying to make it that I leave, with nothing...
And I truly, hate that part..right..there.

1 comment:

Joshen Reborn said...

They cant strip you of your swag because its permanent.Your confidence is all in the same spot where you left it, they cant destroy that either but you can lose sight of it, lose sight of what you know is true. I know how it feels, the passion and drive writing creates, you feel that charge, that spark that lets you know that this is lifes call. We as writers write to live but we work jobs to maintain. Just hold out