I've been seeing some tweets and facebook statuses that I have to politely admit are getting on my last nerve. I think it's just that they literally DON'T make sense.
If one is an adult, must we announce "On my grown shit! Ya'll catch up" or "Handling my business cause I'm GROWN son! Get your money up!!"?
Are these SENSIBLE announcements?
I think the severe LACK of adulthood that people are not realizing they ACTUALLY POSSESS in saying these phrases is what irks me. Immensely.
This is what I have to say about all these varied statuses:
Class. Intelligence. Adult behavior..these things don't need a mouthpiece..especially from you. These behaviors speak for themselves. If you have class, it will show; if you're an adult don't announce you're on your grown and if you're intelligent your words will dazzle us.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Thing About Turning 25
The thing about turning 25 this year is simple:
At this point in the game, I've realized the kid I was, the person I currently am and the woman I insist on becoming.
I've realized that between 20-24 that I didn't know anything as much as I was convinced I did. I took pleasure in being wild and reckless without seeing the bigger picture. I would deal with the consequences when they inevitably arrived.
Not so much anymore..
Or, not at all even...
And at nearly 25 years old, this, I've realized is all that matters:
My desires have changed.
Positivity is of primary concern.
Think before you act before you leap.
Speak the desires of your heart unto The Lord thy God.
Dreams come true. And those that don't, is the Lord setting you UP not BACK.
We each have the power to change the world.
We each have the power to change ourselves.
Your heart, physically and spiritually is the most important thing you own on this Earth. Talk to yourself the RIGHT way.
The Lord will wipe away your anxieties if you just...talk to Him.
Proverbs 18:20-21: The power of life and death is in the tongue...
Don't depress and discourage YOURSELF.
Listen to your mother.
God will always reveal the true friends that exist in your life..and you don't need 500 of them, you just need 5 TRUE ones.
Meditate.
Meditate on you and on the Lord.
What foods you put in your mouth ARE important..you can't do the work of the Lord if you have no physical body to work WITH.
Pray...every...single...day...
Laugh
You and Jesus have sole authority over YOUR life...its yours and simultaneously belongs to Him..only.
Be kind, even when it hurts.
I made plans that I never committed to, or never made realistic, concrete plans to begin with to actually follow. So, plan and pray. And pray some more.
Seek the Lord first above all things..and everything else will truly be okay.
I've always approached the age of 25 with horror and fear that I'm officially "old" and with 3 months until I hit that number, it's no longer a fear. I look forward to it. I look forward to becoming wiser. I look forward to the Lord's protection. It may have taken me the last 5 years to come into my own..but I'm looking forward to it.
And looking forward to more lessons to be learned.
At this point in the game, I've realized the kid I was, the person I currently am and the woman I insist on becoming.
I've realized that between 20-24 that I didn't know anything as much as I was convinced I did. I took pleasure in being wild and reckless without seeing the bigger picture. I would deal with the consequences when they inevitably arrived.
Not so much anymore..
Or, not at all even...
And at nearly 25 years old, this, I've realized is all that matters:
My desires have changed.
Positivity is of primary concern.
Think before you act before you leap.
Speak the desires of your heart unto The Lord thy God.
Dreams come true. And those that don't, is the Lord setting you UP not BACK.
We each have the power to change the world.
We each have the power to change ourselves.
Your heart, physically and spiritually is the most important thing you own on this Earth. Talk to yourself the RIGHT way.
The Lord will wipe away your anxieties if you just...talk to Him.
Proverbs 18:20-21: The power of life and death is in the tongue...
Don't depress and discourage YOURSELF.
Listen to your mother.
God will always reveal the true friends that exist in your life..and you don't need 500 of them, you just need 5 TRUE ones.
Meditate.
Meditate on you and on the Lord.
What foods you put in your mouth ARE important..you can't do the work of the Lord if you have no physical body to work WITH.
Pray...every...single...day...
Laugh
You and Jesus have sole authority over YOUR life...its yours and simultaneously belongs to Him..only.
Be kind, even when it hurts.
I made plans that I never committed to, or never made realistic, concrete plans to begin with to actually follow. So, plan and pray. And pray some more.
Seek the Lord first above all things..and everything else will truly be okay.
I've always approached the age of 25 with horror and fear that I'm officially "old" and with 3 months until I hit that number, it's no longer a fear. I look forward to it. I look forward to becoming wiser. I look forward to the Lord's protection. It may have taken me the last 5 years to come into my own..but I'm looking forward to it.
And looking forward to more lessons to be learned.
Resolutions of 2011
If you make only one resolution this year, let it be to live boldly. You control this moment: Rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into life with freeing abandon. Imagine the person you want to be and the life you want to live, then simply commit to them. Believe in yourself. Embrace your beauty. Discover a new passion. And whatever you do, wherever you go, don't be afraid to make a splash.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Virginia is for Fashion Lovers
Wildfox Big Love Over-Sized Sweatshirt in Witchberry
$124 - shopthetrendboutique.com
Wildfox Couture tops »
$124 - shopthetrendboutique.com
Wildfox Couture tops »
From: http://virginiaisforfashionlovers.blogspot.com/
Stand In Love
Stand in love. no matter what is coming at you. dont let others bad attitudes affect you. lead by example. love by example. Stand in love.- Tricia Huffman
Thursday, December 9, 2010
What?
What do I need? What do I like? What do I want? What makes me happy? We must ask ourselves; if you don't know, no one can know for you
Monday, December 6, 2010
So much change, such little time
I've had a couple things to write, but either haven't been presented with time or able to just plain old convey my thoughts. I think I'm moved into the territory of the weight of my thoughts truly being my own.
Everything you want, everything you think of is controlled by you. My in depth re-connection with Jesus has re-established my feelings on all these things. In the last two months I've realized how much of a negative person I've become in the last three years and how I let the feelings, behaviors and thoughts of others overrule my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I also realize the depth in which I exhibited no self control. Especially in the mental department. My thoughts and feelings have been..erratic. I used to be so tailored in the art of planning, and thinking things through and having order and after a few life events, I just let everything including myself be..chaotic. I developed severe stress patterns resulting in high level panic attacks all because I haven't in three years practiced controlling my thoughts. MY thoughts.
In the last two months..baby gone, losing the All-Star, still job hunting etc I've actually used all my spare time and even non-spare time to slow my thought process down. Entirely.
When I feel anxious, I stop. Review what is going on, what is the source of my anxiety, and make a plan as to how to attack it IF it can be attacked. If not, move forward and seek in prayer for a positive resolve. I've been doing this same problem solving, thought-controlling process when I'm anxious, saddened, angered, feeling worthless..any feeling or state of emotion that isn't a positive one. I've also truly elevated into a state of gratitude that I never looked at that in the loss of child I could've lost my own life in the process, but I didn't because God is with me. At all times. I truly, have nothing to complain about. People make mistakes, and shit happens but I've spent so much time..three whole years trying to make things happen WITH other people instead of focusing on making things happen for myself.
I realized how silly and misguided I've been for such a long time.
My greatest fear has been to be ALONE, so I stayed in a truly detrimental relationship with the Ex-Significant for all that time. I wound up finding and experiencing true love with the All-Star but just for the timing to not be right. To wind up ALONE, to truly, truly realize that I'm not alone and never have been. God has been and is with me.
I don't feel the anxiety in severe droves that I used to and experience 1-3 panic attacks per day. I'm down to 1 per week...if that, and short lasting. There's a comfort and freedom in realizing that you're not alone, never have been and never will be. It's the poison of the mind that roots deep to convince you of otherwise. So though in the physical sense that I'm "alone" I don't feel alone for a minute.
There's a freedom in realizing that all my decisions are truly that of my own and that as a standing adult I have to answer to no one but myself. The All-Star and I aren't on negative terms, and if I see it fit that I want to go out to dinner with him then it's my prerogative. No one's feelings and opinions are relevant. I'm going to do as I see fit anyway, because only I and God know what's best for me. If I'm working in a retail position because that's whats available to me at this time, doesn't make me any lesser of a person because I may not be able to afford the luxuries that I used to, or go out as much or even at all.
I've been spending a better amount of time with my parents..especially my mom, who for years her and I have always had a terrible relationship. Things have been going so much smoother. Give and take. In losing something so great, as a child, I always said my heart is never going to beat the same again..and it doesn't. I think about it often, but my heart beats differently when I see my mother. I understand her better. I understand ME on a whole new playing field. I know how to decipher what I want versus what I don't want. If I can't make these decisions for me, then how would I be able to make them when my mother becomes elderly and needs me and going forward for a baby that will need me to make executive decisions 24/7? My heart beats with passion for what I want and what I want solely. What I want for my family, what I want to see myself with...not just in the physical, but in the mental. How I want to evolve as a woman of class and grace. I want to take cooking classes, and learn to cook not just the cuisine of my nationality but all foods, I want to practice Ashtanga yoga for physical strength but also its mental principles, and pole dancing for the hell and fun of it. I want to root myself in self-sufficiency and worldliness. I want to learn more about African-American history..and Jamaican history. I want to become saavy with a wrench and screwdriver, so I don't have to incessantly call upon a man-whether it be my father, brother, uncle or some significant other to install my own shit. I want to be able to put something together and stand back and tall and say "I did that". No one the fuck else, "I did that". I want to learn about wines and pottery. Finance and home fixtures. I want, I want, I want.
And finally, I will have. I will create.
I repeatedly said 2010 has taken the cake for being the sole worst year of my life..a continuation of drama, pain and problems from 2007 and 2009 especially. The majority of year has been negative only because of my outlook. I never realized that when you workout through pain, you gain muscle. I've made it to my breakthrough point. Not breakdown, but breakthrough. All this has been preparation from God. Now I want and hunger for ME. And all this muscle I've gained, I finally see the definition I've sought after and I can finally put it to good use starting in 2011, and for the rest of my life.
Everything you want, everything you think of is controlled by you. My in depth re-connection with Jesus has re-established my feelings on all these things. In the last two months I've realized how much of a negative person I've become in the last three years and how I let the feelings, behaviors and thoughts of others overrule my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I also realize the depth in which I exhibited no self control. Especially in the mental department. My thoughts and feelings have been..erratic. I used to be so tailored in the art of planning, and thinking things through and having order and after a few life events, I just let everything including myself be..chaotic. I developed severe stress patterns resulting in high level panic attacks all because I haven't in three years practiced controlling my thoughts. MY thoughts.
In the last two months..baby gone, losing the All-Star, still job hunting etc I've actually used all my spare time and even non-spare time to slow my thought process down. Entirely.
When I feel anxious, I stop. Review what is going on, what is the source of my anxiety, and make a plan as to how to attack it IF it can be attacked. If not, move forward and seek in prayer for a positive resolve. I've been doing this same problem solving, thought-controlling process when I'm anxious, saddened, angered, feeling worthless..any feeling or state of emotion that isn't a positive one. I've also truly elevated into a state of gratitude that I never looked at that in the loss of child I could've lost my own life in the process, but I didn't because God is with me. At all times. I truly, have nothing to complain about. People make mistakes, and shit happens but I've spent so much time..three whole years trying to make things happen WITH other people instead of focusing on making things happen for myself.
I realized how silly and misguided I've been for such a long time.
My greatest fear has been to be ALONE, so I stayed in a truly detrimental relationship with the Ex-Significant for all that time. I wound up finding and experiencing true love with the All-Star but just for the timing to not be right. To wind up ALONE, to truly, truly realize that I'm not alone and never have been. God has been and is with me.
I don't feel the anxiety in severe droves that I used to and experience 1-3 panic attacks per day. I'm down to 1 per week...if that, and short lasting. There's a comfort and freedom in realizing that you're not alone, never have been and never will be. It's the poison of the mind that roots deep to convince you of otherwise. So though in the physical sense that I'm "alone" I don't feel alone for a minute.
There's a freedom in realizing that all my decisions are truly that of my own and that as a standing adult I have to answer to no one but myself. The All-Star and I aren't on negative terms, and if I see it fit that I want to go out to dinner with him then it's my prerogative. No one's feelings and opinions are relevant. I'm going to do as I see fit anyway, because only I and God know what's best for me. If I'm working in a retail position because that's whats available to me at this time, doesn't make me any lesser of a person because I may not be able to afford the luxuries that I used to, or go out as much or even at all.
I've been spending a better amount of time with my parents..especially my mom, who for years her and I have always had a terrible relationship. Things have been going so much smoother. Give and take. In losing something so great, as a child, I always said my heart is never going to beat the same again..and it doesn't. I think about it often, but my heart beats differently when I see my mother. I understand her better. I understand ME on a whole new playing field. I know how to decipher what I want versus what I don't want. If I can't make these decisions for me, then how would I be able to make them when my mother becomes elderly and needs me and going forward for a baby that will need me to make executive decisions 24/7? My heart beats with passion for what I want and what I want solely. What I want for my family, what I want to see myself with...not just in the physical, but in the mental. How I want to evolve as a woman of class and grace. I want to take cooking classes, and learn to cook not just the cuisine of my nationality but all foods, I want to practice Ashtanga yoga for physical strength but also its mental principles, and pole dancing for the hell and fun of it. I want to root myself in self-sufficiency and worldliness. I want to learn more about African-American history..and Jamaican history. I want to become saavy with a wrench and screwdriver, so I don't have to incessantly call upon a man-whether it be my father, brother, uncle or some significant other to install my own shit. I want to be able to put something together and stand back and tall and say "I did that". No one the fuck else, "I did that". I want to learn about wines and pottery. Finance and home fixtures. I want, I want, I want.
And finally, I will have. I will create.
I repeatedly said 2010 has taken the cake for being the sole worst year of my life..a continuation of drama, pain and problems from 2007 and 2009 especially. The majority of year has been negative only because of my outlook. I never realized that when you workout through pain, you gain muscle. I've made it to my breakthrough point. Not breakdown, but breakthrough. All this has been preparation from God. Now I want and hunger for ME. And all this muscle I've gained, I finally see the definition I've sought after and I can finally put it to good use starting in 2011, and for the rest of my life.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Figuring Out the Self
I've spent a lot of time since my last post meditating, praying and figuring things out for my life. I've started to put an insane level of focus on myself.
Almost hourly, prayer has become a routine, whether I've been suffering from anxiety or not. What's been the best part of the meditation and high level of prayer, is that I'm truly realizing more and more about myself on a daily basis. If not even at some points an hourly basis. I've realized how severe my anxiety is and how much I hate it. I've realized that it's truly stemming from fear of the unknown-what people might say to me in a confrontation, people's reactions etc. The physical symptoms of my anxiety actually create MORE feelings of anxiety manifesting it further.
I've realized that cleaning and organizing calms me down in a great way. Some people when they're stressed or anxious feel this relief in exercise, I truly feel it in cleaning and organizing. I've realized that I am a true stress eater..when I'm depressed and sad as I have been I possess no appetite whatsoever, but when I'm anxious specifically I feel a hunger that isn't satisfied when it should be. Prayer and listening to church sermons immediately lifts my anxiety. It lifts it so quickly that it's almost comparable to taking an emergency injection that just breaks the skin and rushes through the blood stream. So let's re-phrase that, Jesus lifts my anxiety.
I'm taking slow comfort in being by myself and learning what I like, what I dislike, changing things that I want to change in myself, etc. I'm taking more care of my physical body..actually paying attention to it. Things that I was always "too rushed" to do, I'm doing for myself while asking God to shower me in His peace, love, poise, grace and glory. I thought that this was the worst thing I could ever be doing..being alone, taking the time to focus on myself...Hell, I've had wild tantrums over how much I don't want to be alone and focus on myself. This actually is a good thing..it's a necessary thing.
I feel as if I have it figured all out but I know I still need to take things slowly..take things one day at a time as I have been, continue to be routed in prayer and making small positive changes. I think about the baby regularly......
But somehow, have been okay enough to not cry so much when I think of her, and what she would've been. I'm not sure if you can miss something that you didn't fully have..but I miss her. I miss looking forward to knowing what she would've looked like, and I miss her moving inside me..
But...one day at a time..
Looking at this entry, I know my thoughts are choppy.. it feels like my mind is all over the place while I'm trying to write and not putting things in a flowing form but as chaotic as it may seem, one thing I'm sure of is that I have peace. Or I'm on my way to fully receiving peace. I'm slowly feeling more love and abundance than I've ever felt. I'm coming into realizing the truth behind when people tell you they love you, what forms that love versus care come in, what I deserve as a woman and what I don't deserve as just a human being.
The thing I deserve the most, is the manifestation of peace.
Almost hourly, prayer has become a routine, whether I've been suffering from anxiety or not. What's been the best part of the meditation and high level of prayer, is that I'm truly realizing more and more about myself on a daily basis. If not even at some points an hourly basis. I've realized how severe my anxiety is and how much I hate it. I've realized that it's truly stemming from fear of the unknown-what people might say to me in a confrontation, people's reactions etc. The physical symptoms of my anxiety actually create MORE feelings of anxiety manifesting it further.
I've realized that cleaning and organizing calms me down in a great way. Some people when they're stressed or anxious feel this relief in exercise, I truly feel it in cleaning and organizing. I've realized that I am a true stress eater..when I'm depressed and sad as I have been I possess no appetite whatsoever, but when I'm anxious specifically I feel a hunger that isn't satisfied when it should be. Prayer and listening to church sermons immediately lifts my anxiety. It lifts it so quickly that it's almost comparable to taking an emergency injection that just breaks the skin and rushes through the blood stream. So let's re-phrase that, Jesus lifts my anxiety.
I'm taking slow comfort in being by myself and learning what I like, what I dislike, changing things that I want to change in myself, etc. I'm taking more care of my physical body..actually paying attention to it. Things that I was always "too rushed" to do, I'm doing for myself while asking God to shower me in His peace, love, poise, grace and glory. I thought that this was the worst thing I could ever be doing..being alone, taking the time to focus on myself...Hell, I've had wild tantrums over how much I don't want to be alone and focus on myself. This actually is a good thing..it's a necessary thing.
I feel as if I have it figured all out but I know I still need to take things slowly..take things one day at a time as I have been, continue to be routed in prayer and making small positive changes. I think about the baby regularly......
But somehow, have been okay enough to not cry so much when I think of her, and what she would've been. I'm not sure if you can miss something that you didn't fully have..but I miss her. I miss looking forward to knowing what she would've looked like, and I miss her moving inside me..
But...one day at a time..
Looking at this entry, I know my thoughts are choppy.. it feels like my mind is all over the place while I'm trying to write and not putting things in a flowing form but as chaotic as it may seem, one thing I'm sure of is that I have peace. Or I'm on my way to fully receiving peace. I'm slowly feeling more love and abundance than I've ever felt. I'm coming into realizing the truth behind when people tell you they love you, what forms that love versus care come in, what I deserve as a woman and what I don't deserve as just a human being.
The thing I deserve the most, is the manifestation of peace.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Finding The Heart
Lately, I've truly been weighing the worth of having a heart.
The levels of pain I've been feeling, I've almost begged God for the ability to no longer feel.
It's complicated though. The inability to feel doesn't determine one's inner strength, but makes you appear to the public to be strong. The more robotic one appears to be, is the more the public perceives that person to be "strong". So then, what is strength? Also, what is love? What's it like to feel strong..is it being able to lift a car like Superman? Or the ability to be a stable support system to the one who needs you in a time of crisis? Or maybe it's being able to swallow a double shot of whiskey without making a face, as if you just drank water. Or is it just the ability to keep moving in your darkest hour with some supernatural faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I've been angry with myself for as long as I can remember for feeling as if I've been cursed with too big of a heart. The way I'll bend over backwards, the incessant displays of loyalty and unconditional love that I feel are never returned in full. Whenever those people hurt me, I blame myself for having too large of a heart in the first place. But is it my heart that's really the problem? What if I don't know my heart to begin with? If I just know that I'll do anything for love.
Anything.
I'll do anything to make people feel good, smile, laugh or promote love and being in love. That's where this heart of mine has always been, in love. My heart feels a mess when love is missing and to lose so much love in such a short period of time I haven't been sure what to do with myself. I haven't been sure why I even exist. Maybe this is part of it. Maybe it's to be a 5'5 cupid sans the wings, but with eight times the heart. Or maybe I don't exist for any particular reason at all..
But this feels like the last attempt in my soul to figure it out..to wonder why God has given me such beautiful ideas, such beautiful people and I have nothing to show with it. I've done nothing with them, because I don't know what to do.
Maybe...
I'm just not paying attention...
But...
If He put this last idea into my head, The Finding the Heart Project, then let's see if this is why I exist. To find my heart, and to help others find theirs. Even while questioning the worth of having a heart to begin with. Sometimes, the idea of being a steel robot doesn't seem so bad...until one day, like me, you're laying on your back and looking at a moving ultrasound.
And you know what...
You hear a heartbeat that isn't yours, but is worth to you more than all the gold in the world.
In that moment, a having heart is heaven on earth.
The levels of pain I've been feeling, I've almost begged God for the ability to no longer feel.
It's complicated though. The inability to feel doesn't determine one's inner strength, but makes you appear to the public to be strong. The more robotic one appears to be, is the more the public perceives that person to be "strong". So then, what is strength? Also, what is love? What's it like to feel strong..is it being able to lift a car like Superman? Or the ability to be a stable support system to the one who needs you in a time of crisis? Or maybe it's being able to swallow a double shot of whiskey without making a face, as if you just drank water. Or is it just the ability to keep moving in your darkest hour with some supernatural faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I've been angry with myself for as long as I can remember for feeling as if I've been cursed with too big of a heart. The way I'll bend over backwards, the incessant displays of loyalty and unconditional love that I feel are never returned in full. Whenever those people hurt me, I blame myself for having too large of a heart in the first place. But is it my heart that's really the problem? What if I don't know my heart to begin with? If I just know that I'll do anything for love.
Anything.
I'll do anything to make people feel good, smile, laugh or promote love and being in love. That's where this heart of mine has always been, in love. My heart feels a mess when love is missing and to lose so much love in such a short period of time I haven't been sure what to do with myself. I haven't been sure why I even exist. Maybe this is part of it. Maybe it's to be a 5'5 cupid sans the wings, but with eight times the heart. Or maybe I don't exist for any particular reason at all..
But this feels like the last attempt in my soul to figure it out..to wonder why God has given me such beautiful ideas, such beautiful people and I have nothing to show with it. I've done nothing with them, because I don't know what to do.
Maybe...
I'm just not paying attention...
But...
If He put this last idea into my head, The Finding the Heart Project, then let's see if this is why I exist. To find my heart, and to help others find theirs. Even while questioning the worth of having a heart to begin with. Sometimes, the idea of being a steel robot doesn't seem so bad...until one day, like me, you're laying on your back and looking at a moving ultrasound.
And you know what...
You hear a heartbeat that isn't yours, but is worth to you more than all the gold in the world.
In that moment, a having heart is heaven on earth.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saran Wrap
Its when you inhale and you feel the hollow spaces in your chest, almost like multiple big holes in a piece of Saran Wrap...that's how my heart has been.
I haven't written.....
Mainly because I've literally felt in too much grief to write. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Maybe I haven't written, because..there isn't much to say. People always advise that you talk your feelings out and talking them out..hasn't altered my reality. Sometimes, it just reinforces a reality I don't want to believe.
I feel virtually future-less. If "future-less" could actually be rendered a term.
To be pregnant.
To lose a baby.
To separate from the love of my life.
All in such a short period of time..is a bit more than much to handle.
I have no appetite. I don't see a reason to be outside my actual bedroom, let alone not laying in the bed. I force myself to go outside. I force myself to answer phone calls. I put away the ultrasound photo..of a girl, due on 2/14/2011 what I feel would've been the best Valentine's Day of my entire life.
Him and I still love each other..and its something between us that I can't explain. Nothing has changed. We're just separating. Just to go into two separate corners and figure things out for awhile on our own. People always say "if you love something, you let it go and if it comes back then it's yours". That's what we're doing. Making our own plans as individuals and if we come back to one another, then we do belong together. We both went through such an ordeal and he has been the person I've been able to turn to the most. The only person that truly understands the source of my thoughts and feelings and has served as a source of wisdom and thorough comfort, always knowing the right and best things to say.
Every time that I'm with him and analyze the relationship in full...I realize that I always thought I knew what love was in my previous relationship. I didn't have a clue. I know now. I know what it's like to truly have, true love. As much as that's not the only thing that makes a relationship work, I know what it's like to fully experience true and unconditional love.
And it's beautiful.
I am his blood, and he is mine..and regardless of what ever may happen especially for a baby shared, we will always be family. Always.
It's hard to move forward, in the terms of everything. I feel like I have no future to move towards. I have no career. I have love in my heart, but not in the physical tangible sense as both my love and baby are gone. My resume on life has been graduating college, destroying my physical body with a thyroid condition and drinking liquor like life elixir as if my liver is cool to follow for mass shutdown. Add a couple of missing main events of family and friends lives being upstate in college for the four years, a lot of financial debt trying to fix my heart and impress people who weren't important. Missing my little brother's entire high school career. I don't have much to show for anything.
I hear my baby's heartbeat in my ears and remember to vividly what it's like to drink an entire slurpee from 7/11 and how quickly she would move. My body is almost fully back to normal, and I look at it with a loathing that I didn't know I could experience. That my stomach is flat again, and my belly button has retracted back. Or when I lay awake and cry all hours of the night because there's no movement inside of me, or that my breasts are leaking with a milk that now serves no purpose. I've contemplated suicide more than I think my brain can handle. I truly feel as if I have no reason for existence and if it be that I do, that maybe I've done all I need to do already. I've been a part of a couple people's lives outside my family and we have some beautiful memories that I'm sure will last them.
Other than that.....there's no plan. No goals. No dreams.
Once you poke holes in a piece of saran wrap, you need an entirely new piece.
And I have no idea where to get a new one..a new heart.
I haven't written.....
Mainly because I've literally felt in too much grief to write. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Maybe I haven't written, because..there isn't much to say. People always advise that you talk your feelings out and talking them out..hasn't altered my reality. Sometimes, it just reinforces a reality I don't want to believe.
I feel virtually future-less. If "future-less" could actually be rendered a term.
To be pregnant.
To lose a baby.
To separate from the love of my life.
All in such a short period of time..is a bit more than much to handle.
I have no appetite. I don't see a reason to be outside my actual bedroom, let alone not laying in the bed. I force myself to go outside. I force myself to answer phone calls. I put away the ultrasound photo..of a girl, due on 2/14/2011 what I feel would've been the best Valentine's Day of my entire life.
Him and I still love each other..and its something between us that I can't explain. Nothing has changed. We're just separating. Just to go into two separate corners and figure things out for awhile on our own. People always say "if you love something, you let it go and if it comes back then it's yours". That's what we're doing. Making our own plans as individuals and if we come back to one another, then we do belong together. We both went through such an ordeal and he has been the person I've been able to turn to the most. The only person that truly understands the source of my thoughts and feelings and has served as a source of wisdom and thorough comfort, always knowing the right and best things to say.
Every time that I'm with him and analyze the relationship in full...I realize that I always thought I knew what love was in my previous relationship. I didn't have a clue. I know now. I know what it's like to truly have, true love. As much as that's not the only thing that makes a relationship work, I know what it's like to fully experience true and unconditional love.
And it's beautiful.
I am his blood, and he is mine..and regardless of what ever may happen especially for a baby shared, we will always be family. Always.
It's hard to move forward, in the terms of everything. I feel like I have no future to move towards. I have no career. I have love in my heart, but not in the physical tangible sense as both my love and baby are gone. My resume on life has been graduating college, destroying my physical body with a thyroid condition and drinking liquor like life elixir as if my liver is cool to follow for mass shutdown. Add a couple of missing main events of family and friends lives being upstate in college for the four years, a lot of financial debt trying to fix my heart and impress people who weren't important. Missing my little brother's entire high school career. I don't have much to show for anything.
I hear my baby's heartbeat in my ears and remember to vividly what it's like to drink an entire slurpee from 7/11 and how quickly she would move. My body is almost fully back to normal, and I look at it with a loathing that I didn't know I could experience. That my stomach is flat again, and my belly button has retracted back. Or when I lay awake and cry all hours of the night because there's no movement inside of me, or that my breasts are leaking with a milk that now serves no purpose. I've contemplated suicide more than I think my brain can handle. I truly feel as if I have no reason for existence and if it be that I do, that maybe I've done all I need to do already. I've been a part of a couple people's lives outside my family and we have some beautiful memories that I'm sure will last them.
Other than that.....there's no plan. No goals. No dreams.
Once you poke holes in a piece of saran wrap, you need an entirely new piece.
And I have no idea where to get a new one..a new heart.
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