Sunday, April 5, 2009

Lollipop, You Must Mistake Me for a Sucker

Its been two weeks, probably more than since I've posted...
I thought it would be easy to vent it all out as per usual...but it was very different this time.
I closed the doors. All the doors.

I've been trapped in thoughts of confusion and inadequacy.

The last couple days the feelings don't seem to subside, they just grow.

I've truly been swagger jacked, but by the person I didn't expect it from in the least...

I'll admit it though, despite the fact that it's all very true, he did cheat a second time..I'm somehow finding the courage to give "us" a third go round. I'll admit it, I want to give him another go round. Much to the dismay of many, he's 'The Significant' because I love him.

When he doesn't answer the phone, I feel myself get a mild panic attack..

She called me. That's how I found out. The night before all the drama went down, I was getting phone calls from a 'Restricted' number, with breathing in the phone. This is exactly how it went down the first time he cheated and I found out. She too, called me, 'Restricted' and breathed in the phone. You watch scary movies and you say to yourself, 'it wouldn't be me answering that phone call' or 'why doesn't the person just run out the front door instead of letting the killer chase her up the stairs?' but the truth is, no one knows how they act in a scary movie until they play the lead role...
She called three times, maybe four, 'Restricted' and listed to me say "hello" each time. She breathed, I breathed, she hung up. My mind was racing as the situation was all too familiar with how it happened in 2006, the first time he did it to me. I felt a mild panic attack coming on, so I called my friend Nikki. I forced myself to sleep that night. I awoke to not one returned text or returned call from him. I was texting him from 4 that afternoon, at this point it was 11 that night.
She texted me. From her number, a New Jersey number inquiring as to who I was and said that she didn't want to be disrespectful, but he keeps painting me out to be his "cousin" and she had a gut feeling that I wasn't and she needed to put it to bed.
She called me. When I heard her voice, a new voice, a new girl...reflexively, I put my hand on my vanity dresser to support the rest of my body. I dropped my foundation brush and my knees started to buckle....

She asked me who I was. I told her I've been here for 3 years. She told me she's been around for the last two weeks. I just put him on my phone plan, Verizon. She did too, Sprint. And somehow, I'm still standing here....

Feeling inadequate, and worthless, but standing nonetheless. Or maybe crawling, as lately I'm not certain of the difference.

I look at myself in the mirror confused if my looks weren't enough.
Or my personality, as he said I made it "difficult" for him to open up to me...
But does that warrant sex? So maybe she was better in bed than I was...
My hair isn't mine, it's a weave...maybe, hers...real?
Or was it truly just plain greed? After everything I was doing for him...I was filling up his gas tank because he's currently not working. The same gas I paid for, drove him to New Jersey to her and back to Long Island to me.

....I still feel lost. "I'm not dead, just floating"-Pink
It's truly that feeling. I'm kind of on autopilot. I still engage with all my friends. I've started making plans with people again, stopped the ignoring of phone calls and texts as I've tried to keep myself on Earth and not getting trapped in my thoughts. I've realized how dangerous of a place that truly is.
And I say, "Lollipop, You Must Mistake Me for a Sucker"...but he does, because I am.



1 comment:

misha said...

oh have i been there...the blocked numbers calling, and breathing. (sigh) i know that feeling where you heart just sinks and your breathing becomes so short to the point it almost stops. i've blamed myself, thinking i wasn't cute enough, or good enough, but i realize at the end of the day it really has nothing to do with 'you', it's all 'him'. he's the one with the issues. any real man would confront whatever problems there are before stepping out on his woman, not once, not twice. As women, we need to let these types of guys out of our lives even if it hurts us. at the end of the day love isn't suppose to hurt, he will do it again. but i guess that will only happen when you (generally speaking) get tired of being treated as less than what you deserve. :)
all the best girlie...