Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The In-Crowd vs. Changing Faces

Chrisette Michelle....
This song is so close to everything I've tried to express to my ex: Steven aka Cj.
Universal has disallowed YouTube to post an embed html code..

I'm very hurt. I'm very disoriented from the week on a whole, and today is ONLY wednesday. I mean, tomorrow I only have community service from 7am-3pm. Due to my disorientation, I'm going to try and pull it together for the sake of an entry, so work with me here.

Here are some Chrisette Michelle lyrics from: Best of Me.
Loved You
Lost You
Though I'd give you all the best of me
We departed
I need to be free
What we had was oh so lovely
I'll swallow my pain
It's my time to find the best of me

I've spent the short duration of 21 years alive being disected like an insect. From my mother, to my boyfriends, some friends, the in-crowd that I was never apart name it. I'm never good enough to my mother of the in-crowd and the boyfriends and friends always remind me of what i'm missing or what I could change for them. I'm at a stage of mental exhaustion that I don't think anyone is quite comprehending or maybe I'm not feeling like they are. All I do is eat/sleep and cry. I am unemployed. I have lost many friends due to standing up for myself. I have been cheated on by every single man I have dated, including my current boyfriend. I try and it seems that all I do is fail. I want so much and to achieve so much, and I have nothing to show for all the dreams I have.
I'm not sure where to go. I do feel like I'm at my witts end.

Here are some facebook messages between The Ex-Significant and I recently. I truly cannot defend myself anymore. Not after changing WHO I AM for him as well as others, and STILL not being accepted.

Me: ok so actually you did delete me...i was going to leave a comment on one of your pics and realized that I couldnt, ok so I dont have anything else much to say to you seeing that.....or maybe in truth its you who dont want to have anything to do with me..drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts...

The Ex-Significant
12:58pm October 30th
I'm an emotional wreck right now, so pardon me for saying anything that may offend you or upset you. I deleted you because it hurts to look at you sometimes. It hurts to feel how far we've grown apart and away from each other. It hurts that we've both changed so much that all we can do is bicker about how much we've both changed from what we are used to each other being.I deleted you because I couldn't take looking at photos of you, in scantily clad attire, dancing all up on other guys in some club. While drunk, and looking at your profile, all i could think about was how much it hurt that we wont ever be together again. So with that said, I'll understand if you never want to speak with me again. A lot of people don't want to speak to me again anyway.....

New Jack
2:15pm October 30th
Listen i'm sorry for all thats going on in your life right now i truly am. I just want to remind you that you caused this distance. I'm used to it. For your information, I have a life as well and because you and I dont speak you dont know whats going on in mine. The recent photos of me was of me in Oneonta visiting my friends before I decided I was going to kill myself. I had a great time and I dont care WHAT you think of me. I dont care HOW much of a whore you believe in your head that I am. I told you in Tk's bathroom already, NOTHING i've EVER done to CHANGE for you has EVER EVER EVER MADE YOU SATISFIED OR HAPPY. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MISERABLE WITH EVERYTHING I DO, EVERY CHOICE I MAKE, NO MATTER HOW I LOOK.I danced WITH IMAN. I HUGGED PEOPLE IN PHOTOS. Naturally though, just because you're like everyone else you look at my pictures and assume I'm a whore. But much to my usual mistake and my improper judgement of character I THOUGHT you were DIFFERENT. Things were totally fine between you and I, you stopped contacting me because you were busy with school. I dont TELL YOU about my life because I know you cant handle it/dont care to know about it. I TRIED to be your friend, and have accepted that you arent the same person and have MOVED ON with that mind frame. I haven't been mean to you, nothing. I CAN DANCE WITH WHOMEVER I PLEASE WHENEVER I PLEASE. IM NOT A CHILD. theres nothing wrong with dancing im not having SEX with anyone besides my boyfriend. And even if i was, thats my DECISION. Ive stopped trying to make you happy SO long ago, especially after I confessed it all to you in Tk's bathroom and all you do is REINFORCE the point. YOU DONT LIKE ME, AS A FRIEND, AS A GIRLFRIEND, AS A HUMAN BEING. COME TO TERMS WITH IT, ADMIT IT IF THATS THE CASE AND TELL ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IF YOU HATE ME SO GODDAMN MUCH.WE'RE NOT TOGETHER BECAUSE YOU WANTED IT THAT WAY, I MOVED ON BECAUSE YOU FORCED ME TO. You're happy w/ all the bitches you're fucking now, and I'm happy with Matthew. Come to terms that drunk mans words are sober mans maybe you'll get drunk soon and tell me how you REALLY feel about me. I dont sit here and play PRETEND with you, and make you think I'm cool w/ you and then come on some next shit and delete you because why? you have hidden feelings of hurt/hatred towards me BIG SURPRISE STEVEN. Just remember, things were fine and i was COOL with you and accepted that you're not who you were..YOU decided in your drunk state that you're not cool with me..But I guess I know how you feel right?

New Jack
Today at 3:31pm
since it also pains you so much just to look at me, you can again delete my number, i'll delete you from facebook and myspace and aim and you wont have to worry about looking at me EVER again. I also wanted to let you know you're a faggot for not answering your phone yesterday...dont send me facebook messages if you have something to say to me, you know what my phone number is...i hope this move of mine is something you can FINALLY be satisfied with. I wont make the mistake of trying to be nice to you or caring about you again for the rest of my life cause this is the last you'll ever hear from me

For this to CORRECTLY make sense, there is almost 8 years of detailing that would need to be established. I did go about this VERY harshly, I'm not denying that. I just can't handle the stress currently. I can't handle trying so hard to be someone else for someone else and it still not being worth ANYTHING. Which is a huge part of the last 3-4 years of my life. Me discovering who I am, and coming into that as an adult and someone holding tightly to the image of me at 14..16 and still 18 years old. I'm turning 22 in 6 months. I'm a growing person. As I have evolved into what I know and believe is Deidre I AM quite happy and comfortable with who this person is. I have extreme, extreme vision issues and wear glasses that people think I carry as a prop. I've always been the kid doing someone elses homework to fit in. I've always been rejected from the "in-crowd".

Despite my appearance NOW, I've always been the uber geek. I have gazzillions of facebook and myspace messages from men I've gone to school with who have realized: "the geek turned out to be the hottie, goddamn you got fine...". "Yo, I know I used to treat you like shit back in school, cause you know you weren't down back then, but you're so banging and I just want to talk to you if you wouldnt mind getting to know me".

I'm NOT changing who I am. I am essentially the same person, with additions here and minuses there. We all have to grow up. I've been educated. I have more opinions, thoughts, desires. I'm not a child. I know what I like. I know what I dislike. I was never the cool kid, and I'm considered the cool kid now because I started showing off some tits that have been there since 7th grade. I wore a 36C as an 8th grader in junior high. I currently wear a 34DD. So is it safe to say that if they were shown off then, they would've liked me then? What about the people who don't like me NOW because they believe I show off too much? Should I cover up for them? OR SHOULD I DRESS FOR ME LIKE I HAVE BEEN. I'm not going to dress for anyone else but myself. I'm not going to cover up or strip down as per request.

I decided after nearly dying over trying to conform to so many people that I have to be me, and be me all the time...and from that, start my own In-Crowd...

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