Sunday, May 11, 2008

Gas Fumes

I'm so.......done.....
I haven't been very consistent about writing in this thing for myself. I've been doing so many..updates as such about OTHER things, forgetting that the title of this thing is The New Jack. Therefore, as much as I write for others, I cannot forget to write for MYSELF.

I feel as if my tank is on empty. Somehow, very, I repeat, very unbeknown st to me I am still going. And not going at a sluggish pace at that.
"He don't even stop to get gas/If he can move through the rumors/He can drive off of fumes cause"-Kanye West

I guess that's how I feel. I feel as if I'm simply driving on fumes. Somehow, this car hasn't broken down or exploded as yet.
As yet is key...
Yesterday this car definitely showed a spark from a blown tire.
I was invited to a dinner yesterday, in which I cleared my entire schedule for and made sacrifices for-gladly, looking forward to attending for my relations to those hosting the dinner. According to the set up, I was scheduled to be riding along with the hosts so I was instructed several times to be promptly ready for 5pm. I was ready and waiting from about 20 minutes to 5. I was really excited and looking forward to the dinner, I felt as if I was apart of the family and was honored to be invited. Time passes and nearly at 6pm, about roughly an hour and 15 minutes or so of me sitting ready in my shoes and coat I was greeted via text message explaining that the party I was to be riding along with, has departed without me...

They have to pass my house in order to get to the main highway-in this case, The Southern State Parkway. In rush and frustration, instead of stopping where they had to pass by in the first place-my house, somehow, me stepping outside and into the car (taking a grand total of 7-12 seconds) would have aided in making them LATER than they already were based on their own accounts, they saw it leave me. I altered my schedule, and planned my schedule on Saturday solely around this event. There was no regard for my feelings and it was a direct display of classlessness. You do not invite someone to an event, and with the understanding that you are 1. that persons transportation and 2. that they are still attending the event and 3. the person is completely ready and awaiting your arrival, see it fit to simply leave a person.

Though I do not pass any blame on one of the parties involved, which is my BFF, for she was not the deciding party who saw it fit to leave me, I cannot speak to anyone too directly involved in the scenario. I fear the words that may emerge from me, that would inflict pain upon someone who was NOT at fault for the situation. However, pretend I am not angry? I will not. I contacted another BFF of mine, Bean, screaming in levels I'm sure she couldn't understand in a rage that I haven't a long...time.
One thing that I place out for people to know about me are as follows: my feelings towards, children/babies, animals and pet peeves-topper of the peeve list is to be stood up. I have been, unnecessarily, stood up so many times for so many ridiculous reasons that when I am stood up I see red. I surge to a level of rage that I can't really describe. I might have blacked out after screaming to Bean about the scenario because in my rage, and pounding headache and 3 Excedrin pills I can't remember everything I expressed. I do know, I screamed to levels that she insisted repeatedly for me to calm down; I do remember coming close to bursting a blood vessel; I do remember sweating from the heat of my rage.
At this point, I've come to the realization that not only am I fearful for the rage I might inflict upon others, but simultaneously, what is this doing to my body?
"OH! She was always an angry girl! She passed from an aneurysm? A stroke? Oh, a burst blood vessel! How tragic?!?!"
THAT, is how I feel like I'm going to go out...
One of those three is going to be my undoing...because of stress and rage.
After the same shrieking levels of rage on his voicemail, The Significant flew over and took care of me for the rest of the night. I ate erratically, Sbarro's immediately after the stress..trying to feed the emotions with something to quiet it. The Significant was up along side me until roughly 2:30am since I kept no food down all night long from my body still being so high strung. Now, I can imagine you say to yourself...
"This is a crazy bitch...alright, I get it, you got left behind..was that reason to nearly self-induce a stroke and keep nothing in your intestines all night long?"

I wish I could tell you that your thoughts are wrong...
But I cant..I just need you to tell me how exactly to fix my exhaust pipe before its way too late...

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