Thursday, February 5, 2009

New Jack Update: 25 Things about The New Jack, herself

I wrote this elsewhere...
And it happened to be a hit, so why not here?

1. My ex-boyfriend's mom told him that dating me was like "eating his own vomit". Her comment still affects me, to this day. It makes me second guess if I'm such a horrible person to be with or if I'm such a bad girlfriend, will I ever find true love...

2. I believe VERY strongly in true love and monogamy. My parents have been married for 24 years and even though they argue and fight when they look into each others eyes I know they LOVE each other. When my dad tickles my mom I feel their love for one another. I believe there is ONE, just ONE true love for every single person on this earth. I don't believe in cheating and don't get me started on the word "DIVORCE" in my world,its never existed..and I intend on it staying that way..

3. My bottom teeth are really crooked and my mom is the only person that makes me feel awfulll about it. But everyone thinks I have a prettiest smile

4. My butt and boobs has been an "issue" my entire mom started dressing me like a boy at age 11-12...when I was already wearing a 32C bra. I'm not obsessed with them at all the way all my friends/guys are..I actually think I have a really pretty nose, and I'm a fan of the mole on my upper lip because its so Cindy Crawford but not haha, and I think my vagina is bald and gorgeous btw..

5. When I think about how much I love my BFF (let's get gay), it brings tears to my eyes VERY quickly. I can't believe that two spirits can be so kindred..I think she was specifically made for me for the position in my life she plays. I block out her car accident as if it didn't happen because I can't envision my life without her. When her and I fight, I know I sound like a jealous boyfriend.. :/ I'm VERY VERYpossessive of her. I often oddly think about the fact that I know I can't outlive her..I don't think I'd be ready to be admitted into a psych ward.
Seriously, if I'm Danny Zucco, she's my Kenickie..with a curled coif of hair, a black T-bird jacket and a cigarrette in her mouth telling me to get over whatever drama "Sandy" is causing me. I envy her dimples, lashes and flexibility and she'll never understand how much she means to me even though in fights I refuse to acknowlege it...

6. My little brother is the only child I'll ever "have". I practically raised him and I do think I did an exceptional job, always being severely honest with him. I truly don't think I want children. They seem like a true serious never ending love killing hassle. I don't think I'm going to be a good mother for a child past the age of 4 or 5. He is the only boy that will have my whole heart and soul..they belong to him, forever. However, my current bf Matthew is the only, ONLY man I've truly loved enough to say in all seriousness..i would have a baby for in a heartbeat...and keep.

7. I'm pretty certain my mother resents me. I've always felt shes hated me since the age of 4. I'm a severe daddys girl...I truly truly do not want to outlive my father. She doesn't talk to me 15% as much as I would like her to...
...we never get "deep" and our relationship has been severely..damaged.

8. Boys always use a line regarding the mole on my upper lip to try and get the first kiss. Even though I've heard it so many times still makes me smile and it never gets old :)

9. My whole life DREAM was to be a famous singer, and I used to (past tense) have a really good voice. I'm terrified to even sing in the car alone now, and I felt like my opportunity has truly left. I wake up every.single. day. life. thinking I missed my opportunity to complete my life goal.I have books upon books of all the songs I've written, designs of stage costumes, the whole 9.98646 yards. I wouldn't be a quarter as unhappy as I am now if I was in the studio... I cry myself to sleep over it....regularly.

10. I have no patience for people who don't KNOW who they are/what they stand for/etc. after a certain age. That's acceptable for my 17yr old brother, but not anyone over the age of 21. It took me a long, long time to find out who I was and now that I know and I'm proud of it..I have a hard time dealing with people who don't..they get swayed by the WRONG things and I don't want them to feel the PAIN I've felt. They remind me of my former self, so I don't get close to them...

11. I don't think my face is a quarter as pretty as I'm so often face is really fat, and that's never been a physical feature people have "lusted" after..I want to have my cheeks shaved down by DR.90210

12. If I get knocked up (which I shouldn't be saying this)..and it's a boy, I'm naming him Kenickie, like Kenickie from "Grease". The runner up baby name is "Jayden/Jayedenne" and ironically, my BFF wants to name her baby Jayden too! Destined to be bffs!!!!!

13. The thought of me dying and leaving this earth forever makes my knees buckle. I can't handle the uncertainty of heaven vs. hell vs. just darkness without vomiting instantly.

14. I secretly fear that men talk about me to their guy friends and call me a pillow princess behind my back...because I can't cum for the life of me on top..I don't feel anything worth anything, so if I'm in that position I'm doing solely for the guy..I fear they talk and say that they do all the work :/

15. I really REALLY like to take pictures of outside. I have too many photos of just the sky and concrete jungles..those are my favorites.

16. I didn't smoke until I was nearly 22..much to contrary belief that I roll dutches w/my eyes closed and my fingers crossed.

17. I despise my nails so much..they're so brittle, horrific etc. hence why I usually pay for acrylics to cover them, but no matter HOW short and even in a solid color..white america deems black women who wear acrylics as ghetto, so I made my goal for '09 to not wear them. I'm going on my first week strong.

18. I love fur..real fur and I hate when people bother me about it. I'm fucking WARM and comfy AND its in the bible to that God put man on earth to rule over the birds of the air, the fish of the sea etc. READ IT IN GENESIS. I respect PETA but I don't respect destruction of property. If its ok for you to throw red paint on what I may have saved over $500 for..then its totally ok for me to slash your face. An eye for an eye.

19. The music of Jason Mraz saved my life. He helped me find who I am..and I would do absolutely anything to meet him, hold him and tell him how hes saved me.

20. I have keloid skin..meaning, when I get cut my skin OVERheals. Therefore, my ears are NOT pierced, belly button, nada. I pierced the only place that wouldn't keloid, my tongue :D

21. It really hurts my feelings that women are SO initimidated by me. None of them give me a chance. Absolutely NONE. I can't even introduce myself before they've sized me up and cut me down to nothing and try to do all in their power to destroy me and hurt me. Women have treated me so bad and brought me to some of the lowest lows in my whole life. Funny enough, I'm so pro-girl power..

22. I was date raped at age 17

23. I write in my blog and I'm so hardcore about keeping it real and SUPER blunt, because I don't think its worth the embarrassment to be caught in a lie's like having your debit card denied for $0.49...
NOT WORTH THE DRAMA/EVERYONE LOOKING bluntness has caused many a tiff in my life. Inclusive of my boss repeatedly telling me to "CHILL" with threatening eyes..I HATE having to pretend/kiss ass about what we ALL already KNOW. Why LIE???

24. No man besides my father has ever bought me flowers.

25.I shop so much in efforts to purchase all the happiness I've lost since my grandmother died. She's gone and I have no life direction, no wisdom, nothing. I don't even feel like I feel my own self think. Theres a huge dark patch inside of me..I've put my self in over $10K of debt in 2 years due to buying happiness. Now, I'm paying for all of it..broke out of my mind, closet full of clothes, and still, grandmother-less.
I feel like, if she were here..she wouldn't even know what to do with the person I've become. I would be a better woman now if she were still alive. And that's the one thing I'll never live down. Ever.

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