Breaking Bonaduce

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PHOTO MAY INDUCE SUDDEN STROKE, HEART ATTACK OR VOMITING. DO NOT SCROLL TO VIEW THIS PHOTO WHILE EATING, AROUND CO-WORKERS OR AROUND SMALL CHILDREN. THIS PHOTO MAY INDUCE SUDDEN LAUGHTER IN MEN, AND SHOCK AND FRIGHT IN WOMEN. PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHILE SCROLLING DOWNWARD.

For anyone who has been under a rock, and did NOT see this photo on Perez Hilton I had to steal it and show it to you:



That my friends, is Danny Bonaduce.

His reality show on Vh1 was an EXTREME favorite of mine. My bff and I would call each other at 3 am to ensure that the other was watching a re-run of a missed episode. The man is the definition of drug abuse. Being someone who watched his show RELIGIOUSLY, upon viewing this photo an episode came rushing to mind...

The Breaking Bonaduce show was canceled from VH1 for being "too graphic and too real". As real as the episode I recall of this man being caught by VH1 cameras with a syringe in hand LOADED with steroids in a gym. They yelled at him to NOT take them and "don't do it" and this was followed by a blank stare from Bonaduce and a stab to his arm of the syringe. Similar to Rick James who was known for his cocaine abuse, Bonaduce is marked by steroid abuse. Frequent and constant steroid abuse. Bonaduce also likes to wash down ANYTHING with Vodka, his favorite liquor. There were blurred shots on VH1 of him doing cocaine at parties. Not that we put it past him of course....
Despite the lack of...penis, I still love this psycho path. For indeed, that is what he is. SOMEHOW out of that penis, shrunken from steroids this man was able to impregnate Gretchen, is ex-wife. More than once at that....

So any of you bastards who love to argue BACK with me and say that "Nah son, it's just a rumor that steroids shrink dicks..." I have presented you with proof. I want to hear no further discussion of the matter EVER AGAIN, IN LIFE.

Thanks :)

In other news...
SOMEHOW Heather was kicked off ANTM when Jenah's hideous ass needed to be ejected like 4 weeks ago. WHY THE FUCK hasn't Tyra fixed her teeth yet like how she was quick to fix Joanie's from cycle 6 ?(Winner Danielle). This woman Jenah, her bottom teeth are ferocious. I mean, God truly knew what he was doing when he didn't make ME a boy. I would have committed some terrible, terrible crimes in my life.

More importantly, anyone with teeth like that though would NOT under any circumstances be allowed to give me head, EVER. I wouldn't be willing to take the risk. You could put your dick in WHOLE and it come back out CLEAN like a chicken bone. I'm good. About 78% of the time, not having a penis rocks. You could be judged for it looking like Bonaduce's. If you have a vagina, most everyone wants to be friends with it...
Hell, there are whole songs dedicated to it....I love my vagina.

I love being a girl.

To reinforce the point, Plies, click to listen from Imeem
Ms Pretty Pussy

Mic Check 1,2 1,2

If you weren't focused.......
The "New" Jack is up on Myspace.com/jamericanbrookislanite

Please get your focus level up....I did 110 frames, I'll be posting them slowly..





I'm so excited I can't even think straight! Well....straight enough to know that the photos that I won't be posting=South Beach Diet & immediate gym membership...


This one is an exclusive to my BLOG READERS and supporters, cause some won't be going on Myspizzle...


.....fierce.................
please be intelligent..... myspace.com/jamericanbrookislanite

Snoop D-O- Double Gizzle

New Snoop Video...
Here's only the preview, its 30 seconds.....
I LOVE SNOOP!
This song is the shit...already...and I friggin love the video

Enjoy


.....fierce.......

Gossip Girl

Astro Overview for November 28th,
We are excited by a Venus-Uranus biquintile and we may want to express our unconventional desires when the Moon struts into proud Leo at 8:24 am EST. But a tense aspect between verbal Mercury and active Mars might create dissonance between what we want to do and what we say. Paying careful attention to our thoughts can help us walk our talk today, while a wandering mind can quickly lead us astray. Nevertheless, we should strive to do the right thing. (Lifescript)

Aries Horoscope:
Waves of feelings wash into consciousness now, giving you good reason to share your current attraction with someone you can trust. Unfortunately, you may not be thinking very clearly, yet you may still want to move ahead with your plan. Be cautious and don't act too fast, especially if you are attempting to cover up your insecurities. Instead, let others see your more gentle side.(Lifescript)

I am in an excitable mood this morning. I wish I had some explanation for it. The only thing I am aware of is that I'm starving......

Ok, news:

• My xbox360 should be delivered from its repair TODAY-accepting Christmas gifts that have to deal with my 360-wireless controller, remote control, new hard drive etc
  
• Helio won Dancing with the Stars??? I feel bad for Mel B...
• 
• **photos courtesy of (Usvsthem.wordpress)
  
• I'm starving, but can only consume 1350 calories...because my body will be the perfect combination of Mel B. and Kim Kardashian...how did she lose looking like that and dancing BETTER than Helio?
  
• Possibly going to the casting call for Royal Blue Dimes on Friday afternoon
• Pipe has exploded in my house=no washing machine=New Jack having mountains of laundry to be done by THURSDAY.
• Macy's is having a Friends&Family 20%off pretty much everything in store today for anyone who needs to do Christmas shopping...(macys.com)
• Anyone who has a temp agency, please hit me up because mine are not doing SHIT for me right now when I need them most
• My eyebrows need to be done, asap
• ANTM tonight at 8, lets hope JENAH or BIANCA gets eliminated; Top 3 better be: Heather,Chantal and Saleshia.
  
• Bobbie, the photographer hit me back yesterday he should be e-mailing me the photos by the end of this week, he is in Washington D.C.
• I didn't do well at concealing my still rooted anger about the significants ex at his ball game last night, the night ended on a good note though and a good 94% of my anger/grudge has left my body. Allegedly, we might be spending quality time together sometime AFTER ANTM and possibly AFTER Gossip Girl..
  
• MUST run the treadmill during the Tyra show today in the event I do go to casting....fierce....
• **desperately seeking a mothafucking job, so any word on the street hit me up ASAP
• Anyone who has any hookups in a electronics store: I.E.: BestBuy, Circuit City etc. I'm looking to purchase (somehow) a PSP for someone for Christmas. I need a NEW one in the box etc, at the lowest possible rate. Either that or a Wii. I'm more inclined to purchasing (somehow by the love of God) the PSP for the sake of my pockets.
• No word on the civil suit as yet, and we're hoping it stays that way...please keep me in your prayers about that suit, seriously
• Accepting donations for me to pay for.....life?

3 Annoyances

Present Annoyances:

1. Still not having a job, and my parents making my house a miserable place to live in because of it, especially my father...

2. The photographer I shot with last Tuesday, has disappeared. I'm getting extremely worried at this point. There was no release form signed, so if any of my pictures are released I can and WILL sue him without blinking. It's been approximately one week, I've called/e-mailed and texted and I have yet to get any response from him. I'm getting really really worried that this fool is going to try and be a sleazeball and release my photos without me seeing them or getting a copy of them....

3. Last night, I went to Harlem to pick up the significant other's car from nearby his ex-girlfriend's house. This of course, had to be the ex that I would shoot in the face without hesitation, Jada. She's gloating that my significant was in jail and that she lived closest to the precinct so she was able to get his car and move it from the precinct to nearby her house. I already released the majority of my anger on the significant on the car ride home of me driving already exhausted, from Harlem to Suffolk County. He said it himself, that I have a right to be mad...bitch is supposed to be in Virginia, I would love to know when I was going to get the memo that shes living in Harlem again.

Definitely annoyed and worried....

Signs on the Horizon

Maybe, just maybe...I feel like somethings are possibly just within my reach....

I was contacted today by Royal Blue Dimes, they noted that I wasn't there 2 Fridays ago at Fashion40 and have sent me a request to appear at another casting being held in a more private setting, this Friday on 26th street between 5th and 6th. SO maybe, this is a sign that I really have to haul ass and can't let any noise into my brain and really make myself present at this casting.

I've been contacted by 2 new photographers and 2 designers: Done Son Clothing (http://www.myspace.com/donesonclothing) and Self Customs (http://www.myspace.com/peterhewat) that all want to meet with me. Self Customs is from London! Maybe the sudden jump in request is a sign that I should keep at this thing and not get so down and out about the lack of revenues thus far.

In not so poppin news, I did visit my granduncle who has cancer yesterday. I've never seen someone who is supposed to be so sick, have THE MOST LIFE than anyone who is 115% healthy. I was so unbelievably happy to see him. That man never ever fails to put a smile on my face, and to look at him and know how sick he is and see him possess that much LIFE it was inspiring. He has chemo today, and he's carrying with his life just as he was before he was diagnosed. It makes you feel like maybe all the struggle you're going through is worth it because someone in a worse struggle is HAPPIER than you are. Living their life, more than you are.....

Also in not so fierce news, my significant has been locked up since Saturday night. I was the first phone call he made, and Cam his cousin was the second he was allowed to make. Both Cam and I missed his phone calls so he left us voicemails, WITHOUT telling me where in New York State he could possibly be locked up at so I could GO to him. I was calling his cell phone since early Sunday afternoon with no answer and had the GUT FEELING something was wrong. I didn't dismiss my calls not getting answered as: no service;he's sleeping; he's at a ball game etc. I just felt it in my gut something was wrong. Maybe and hour and a half after my last call to his cell phone, he was permitted to make his first call and I naturally was away from my phone when needed most and missed his call. Which OF COURSE came from the police station, so it showed up on my phone as "unavailable" not allowing me to call back and find out which precinct he was at. He got home safely last night, and stressed that he would like me to be in Manhattan this afternoon to meet him immediately as he got off work so he can be with me and explain everything. Due to him working in retail, I haven't seen the boy since Wednesday.....

I feel good this morning, I HOPE the feeling lasts...and it should be in my agenda to clean this insane bedroom of mine, contact the two photographers as I have already contacted the designers, and then hopefully with my wallet's permission to afford the Long Island Rail Road (LIRR) I should be heading into Manhattan to meet the significant.

I feel slightly refreshed...and a tad bit inspired, can we hope this little bit goes a long way?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I was having a ROUGH day yesterday, to say the least....
As I've been explaining in posts prior, I've been very overcome by a sense of loneliness. An opportunity for me to pop into Brooklyn came about randomly, so instead of being home alone like I am every other day of the week, I took it.

I popped into Brooklyn around 4-ish yesterday afternoon and an ex of mine, Ben scheduled to meet with me knowing what kind of day I was having. I found out Nikki (Cam's ex) won't be able to come stay with me this upcoming weekend; Jax is having her own issues and I wanted to see her but simultaneously didn't want to add to her pressure because I know shes worried about me...so the safest route seemed to be Ben for the night. I pretty much always have a good time with him. One of the few if maybe only ex of mine I can tolerate. I realized after analyzing why that I can still be friends with him because he RESPECTS me.

Cj, being an ex that I adored, never ever, ever respected me and liked me for who I am. He fed me a lot of bullshit and falsified feelings over the course of SEVERAL years. Ben really and truly respects me and thats why despite our break up and feelings that may have existed, I have a relationship with him thats ALMOST as close as we did when together. I always hoped Cj and I could have the same, but then again there are certain ideals I was brought up with and Steven doesn't share a lot of the same ideals. If you don't see it fit to respect any woman besides your mother, then I need not converse with you. I am a woman, and I demand a certain amount of respect and Cj never has and never will be willing to provide me with that respect. Sad. Ben likes me for who I am, Ben respects that I have been educated and that I've grown from the person he knew in high school and that theres nothing wrong with that. Naturally, Cj would see it fit to go against the grain....

I just want to say to Ben if he happens to read this, I appreciate you...thank you for respecting me and acknowledging that every person is different and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the woman I am...

I had a fabulous afternoon with him, trotting around Brooklyn, mainly downtown by Fulton Mall. I miss Brooklyn SO much, no one knows. Aside from the traffic and parking issues something I can definitely live without here in Suffolk County, I miss the convenience of Brooklyn very, very much. I miss being down by Fulton. I miss being a beauty supply store, thrice the size of my living room and dining room. I miss cocoa butter on sale for $3.49, as opposed to $6.00 on Long Island. I miss cheap lipglossies and Asians persuading me to purchase things I don't need and me buying it anyway. I miss the awe of hair factories, the vast amounts of possibilities they hold for you. I got Ben caught up in the awe of just walls and walls of hair.

I miss Brooklyn.

I'm hoping today is going to be a relatively smoother day. I'm very,very restless. I'm dying for something of thrill to happen. I haven't seen the significant since Wednesday due to his work schedule, I have an empty hope I'll see him today. He's off, but definitely needs his rest. I don't believe I'll see him until Tuesday, so I'm not keeping vast amounts of hope in that department.

I received notification that my health insurance is about to be canceled. I also have to fill out a unemployment deferral form for my student loans. I haven't been updated on my civil suit, in which I'm NOT complaining about. I just want that goddamn case dropped. I do need to see to it that I come up with $95 by 1/4/2008 for my court fine though, or I will be arrested. My grand uncle has cancer that is spreading rapidly and I believe the latter part of my evening will be spent with him in Nassau County. I'm close to him. He's one of 2 of my dead grandmothers siblings that have actually made it a point to be close to me. I get a chill every time I think that he could be gone soon...

Respect is one of the few things that is truly important to have in this life.....

A bitter level under the weather

Man, I don't know but this feeling has GOT to go....

I'm so unbelievably lonely. I'm miserable. I know a part of it has to do with me not having a job and I'm always HOME. I feel like I'm not interacting with people, cause I don't have a car to do anything nor do I have a job that requires me to interact with people. I'm an extremely social person and when I feel as if my social network is cut off I'm not sure how to act.
Now, this behavior is coming out in a very bitter, harsh manner. I just gave about an hour's worth of attitude to my significant other for absolutely no reason, especially reason unbeknown to him. He inquired several times if I was just upset with him for being asleep when I called. In which, I wasn't. I knew he had worked Black Friday and was in Manhattan from the crack of dawn. I KNEW he was tired.

Maybe, when you're lonely you take it out on the person you want to be around the most?

I definitely gave it to him for the last hour...
I'm not proud of it either.....

Something I don't understand about several women, especially like myself right now: Why do we push the person we want to be around the most the FURTHEST away? Its so weird how the female mind can work, I don't blame men for being annoyed and frustrated with us. Instead of outright explaining to my significant that I'm sad, miserable, lonely, want to see him and feel like my brain is wasting away I somehow in my twisted femininity thought that it was practical to give attitude until he no longer wanted to speak to me.

I'm shocked he lasted an hour...
I feel really guilty, more sad and more lonely than I was before and because of how the conversation ended, I feel a sprinkle of rejection. None of this adds up to a pot of gold......

In other news, I'm still very desperate to see my shots from the photo shoot I did on Tuesday. I personally believed that it went well, but maybe in my sad mood you know when you BELIEVE you've done well you might not necessarily have done so....
I want to get some new pictures out there, get the feedback and start to analyze what I didn't do well on so I can begin improvement. I was contacted by 2 photographers in the last two days who found me on Myspace and are interested in doing a shoot with me. I'm so eager to review these last shots in order to be IMPROVED for the next shoot.

Astro Overview (Lifescript)

The waxing Moon enters dualistic Gemini at 6:29 am EST, followed by the Full Moon at 9:30 am EST that tests our authenticity, for we might not say what we believe. Our emotions can shift quickly, but our opinions remain more constant. Nevertheless, our core political and religious viewpoints may need to be updated periodically. With mental Mercury squaring fuzzy Neptune, we must be careful about allowing irrational feelings to overrule cool logic.

Aries Horoscope:
Being nice to yourself is one thing; over-indulgence is something else. Unfortunately, moderation may be elusive today, unless you keep your awareness focused. You feel compelled to express what's on your mind, even if it's not in your best interest. Before saying anything, try to see the facts from the other person's point of view. This can help you maintain a healthier perspective.

Yeah, so maybe my failed attempt at expressing my sadness to my significant other.....should be a sign.....

After Thanksgiving

Hmmmm I'm in such a funny mood....
I actually don't know the cause of it, and I've been trying to shake it off but its sticking to me....

I found this on someone's Facebook..they apparently have an application I never knew about called "Bible Verses" in which they evidently give you one everyday...This is the one for today..

1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Wow. Interesting.
I feel very lonely. Which is odd, because it isn't as if my significant other has been neglecting me, but I have a very odd, lonely feeling that I haven't been able to shake since late Thanksgiving night. Maybe its because in part since my grandmother passed away in 2004, we've yet to have a real "proper" Thanksgiving circa before 2003. That stirred a sense of loneliness within me. Then the significant other got caught up in his own family madness at Thanksgiving and didn't pass by my house as promised, which I supposed lent itself to my discomfort.

Thanksgiving is over now.
The feeling is still persisting.
I'd like to, for once, feel no fear...

Imeem.com

Tk put me on to this...........

www.imeem.com

I tried it out with this Cherri Dennis song that I LOVE, "Showdown"...I haven't heard this song in a minute and she was one of the first things on the main page.


It's a little deep...I wont lie, it's making my eyes hurt. I don't want to give out my whole life story as it requires similar to Myspace and Facebook. I have those 2 I need NO more. I remember the RETARDED days of my life when I used to be on Tagged and Hi5. Ugh, how disgusting. Some of the most pathetic sites. Myspace and Facebook are the best living nightmares to be apart of, so if you have those 2 I feel like your dead grandpa can find you so you need nothing else.
All in all, it bothers me that Imeem needs me to record my soul in order to upload some damn music...
Now to nurse my rejuvenated headache..............................

Things to be thankful for and jealous of

Hmmmm.....maybe I won't get too into the "jealous of" part, cause then people will definitely whisper that I'm an ungrateful bitch. Yeah.....let's leave that part off for now...

I want some goddamn pie.
Sorry to be so harsh and upfront about it. I have a really, really bad headache. Isn't Thanksgiving supposed to come inclusive with some form of pie? Preferably sweet potato pie for me? I'd so sell a kidney for some pie. No, I'm not PMS-ing, my period just ended. I don't know maybe it's this headache. So, lets reverse to the origin of the headache.

Yesterday I FINALLY had the shoot with Bobbie/Saswat. Saswat is his Indian name, so he goes by the more so American name-Bobbie. I hustled like I never hustled before. Due to all the weather issues, we were only able to get the studio at the ultimate last minute for an HOUR. I was in there like it was it was a finale photo shoot for ANTM. I changed about 3-4 times and I never once stopped posing. I took two large chugs of Ginger Ale while he changed lenses on the camera, those are the only "breaks" I took. He was so impressed and happy I guess, he wants to book me next time for a 3-4 hour shoot. He loved the ideas I came up with AND I got my mic shot!! I cannot wait to see how those came out. The hustling was quite exhausting though, and lugging around my heavy duffle bag of tricks for the shoot all over Brooklyn and Manhattan has definitely invited some not so nice pains to the right shoulder and abdomen.

Maybe I shouldn't give up a kidney for pie, but for a massage. I definitely couldn't get one from Mj yesterday after him receiving a technical foul and being temporarily kicked out of his game last night. That wasn't a positive blow to his mood.

I had a FABULOUS afternoon with Rafael Montalvo. Montalvo and the rest of the Oneonta crew is down in the city for Thanksgiving vacation. He met with me after the photo shoot and we celebrated by stuffing my newly slimmed down body with Applebees. I will be running the treadmill during the Tyra show at 5pm or during ANTM at 8pm. I also treated myself to 2 sodas yesterday, a Sprite and Pineapple Fanta when with Mj later that night. No more soda for the rest of the week....
It was so nice to see Montalvo....
I miss Nancy...and Nadia...and Kristin.....
Shout outs to my ex, Ben for taking care of me on Monday at the ultimate last minute..

So I guess a lot to be thankful for....and everything we're jealous of, maybe should just be something else we aspire to gain...

Open Mic

Ok straight to the point, shall we?

Astro overview:
The Moon enters impulsive Aries at 7:23 am EST to kick up the energy an extra notch today. We can be jolted out of our dreamy sleep with the Moon in this spontaneous fire sign. We seek excitement now, for Aries' key planet Mars is still activating an emotionally charged Grand Water Trine. But we should exercise some caution, for communicator Mercury is in a stressful semisquare to intense Pluto, so our words can stir more passion than we intend.(Lifescript)

....well, duh, New Jack...
The shoot didn't happen yesterday, but I should be leaving my second home in Canarsie in about an hour and a half to head to the shoot. It's ON today. Words definitely stir more passion than intended. Last night, I called the significant other cause he sent me a text to see how I was doing. We both were extremely busy yesterday, so didn't get a chance to converse until after 9 last night. After going through his day, we went through mine and I mentioned that I was planning to go to a bar nearby Centre street with an ex of mine and one of my bff's-Jacki (Jax Poetic Blogspot link of your right). He pounced inquiring if the ex I intended to drink with was the infamous Steven (Cj). I quickly made note to him that to MY knowledge since him and I aren't speaking that he should be in Georgia visiting his cousin Leon for the Thanksgiving holiday. I found it interesting that he inquired when I guess there was a point in time that when I explicity explained from the attacks and turmoil some of his exes have put me through, he still decided it was perfectly fine to still be friends with them. Despite all their wrongdoings.
I guess the bluntness that I possess royally flew off my tongue, and I stated straightforwardly: "Hey, you used to chill with all of yours, especially the ones that attacked me and made dating you complete hell. So, if your going to hang around all yours fuck it, why not?". It wasn't until I heard the silence and it penetrated my brain is when I realized how blunt I was.

Yet still, to quote Mean Girls, the "word vomit" insisted. I brought up the insane girls that want to be with him and exes that would insist their pregnant and utter madness just to get me to leave. One ex, the one I would stab if I could- Jada is the epicenter. From hacking Mj's e-mails, to myspace she made dating him a nightmare cause she wouldn't cease to get back what she believed was hers. It has been confirmed by sources close to Mj-family sources that the woman is insane. She has proven it time and time again, but him feeling sorry for her knowing that he wasn't going to be with her again would STILL DEFEND her erratic and disgusting behavior as opposed to comforting ME the person who was seriously victimized. It's something I'll admit, I never let it go. For him to defend exes and women who wanted him that put ME through turmoil was just crazy to me. I never and still, haven't forgiven him for it. I've grown stronger from it now, but back when it was initially happening, it definitely broke my heart to see who he was defending.

Not to say lately, because it's been going on for a long time now. Mj seems extremely settled and comfortable with me. It seems that the effort that he puts into this relationship is seemingly effortless. He goes out of his way to do and provide a lot, not at my request but truly and genuinely because he wants to. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of "I'm not going anywhere". Furthermore, a lot of "I don't want to go anywhere". I'm far from complaining but it's almost odd to me. Just to review the last 18 months in my mind theres been so much that has taken place and yet, so much change. I've realized, I haven't been the one to force the changes I've seen, they just happened. Maybe because it's happened all on him, maybe all that has changed is actually real. I truly have come to feel that it is. I love this boy that raises my blood pressure and settles it all at the same time.

Let's just hope that since no fight errupted from my word vomit last night, that the volcano doesn't errupt tonight when I see him to return back to Long Island.

The photoshoot today, Bobbie-the photographer would like to use for his own personal book as well as possibly sumbit images to a Mens magazine. The MAGAZINE part, he did not include. In which, I am fine with, but I'd like to see the release form because I better be compensated further in the event this man makes a DIME. I want to know what publications it will be in, so I can be able to track my own press. I have such GREAT ideas in my head for this shoot today. It better go according to plan. Especially the idea I have in my mind for the microphone. If I get this mic shot, It'll be SO perfect.
So again, wish me luck guys....and maybe you'll have something to drool over by the end of the week.

Building my Lego castle

So far, so good.......

Well, it's a mix of snow and rain outside which doesn't bode well for a photoshoot in Central Park in near nothing. The Photographer-Saswat called around 9:45 this morning after receiving my e-mail about the weather. We're still aiming to get these 3 outfit shots done within the next two days.

HELLO BROOKLYN-quote Lil Wayne...I'm indeed officially here. I arrived around 11 pm last night, sadly to have missed Kimora, Life in the Fab lane and Keeping up with the Kardashians. I'll be in Brooklyn until probably 645-7pm as I'll then be making my way to Atlantic Avenue station to take the LIRR to Hempstead to meet Mj. I really hope this 3outfit-shoot happens and I get some great pictures out of it. I didn't hustle this Brooklyn trip for nothing. I'll be highly pissed if I return to Suffolk County pictureless.

Here's the astro overview for today: 11/19:
Although the Moon remains in dreamy Pisces, its conjunction to electric Uranus helps us focus our concentration. But ultimately it's physical Mars that takes center stage today as it receives a tense square from loving Venus, stirring our impatience and prompting us to go after what we desire. Mars is supported by a trine from logical Mercury, so we'll be able to justify our behavior. All in all, it's a noisy day with a variety of planetary messages. (Lifescript)

And of course specifically, the Aries horoscope:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)You are driven to connect with your own energetic center today, whatever the social cost. You could find yourself flirting with the edges of acceptability, but may not be able to go far enough to make it all happen. Even if an attraction is strong, don't sacrifice your authenticity, for that is what's most important in the long run. (Lifescript)

I do feel extremely hyper today..I want to record, I want my photoshoot, I want my fan site already done as opposed to just being drafted with different designers, I feel very all over the place. I don't want to be in front of the computer right now, contemplating breakfast, I want to be doing something towards building what I'm trying to build. Something is odd about today, I feel like whatever I'm trying to build that I'm not going to let anyone pluck my little Lego pieces off to build their own shit. Note when we were children, we were cruel and had no regards and if we needed one more Lego we'd gladly pluck that shit off the person next us and finish our masterpiece. This usually ended in a fight or time out session because the person the original Lego was stolen from was in despair. No one is taking my damn Legos today.
If I could just start building something right NOW!

Take My Picture

Does anyone remember this one-hit wonder group, Filter and their one hit song, Take My Picture?

Well, we might have a good shaping for tomorrow, Monday, November 19th. I was contacted for a free 2 hour photo shoot. It is TFP( Time For Pictures)/TFCD (Time For Compact Disk). I'm NOT mad. The guy needs the shots, I need the shots. He gets my time and photos, I leave with my pictures for my portfolio. Both camps will be satisfied. THIS SHIT better go according to plan.
Sorry for that outburst, I think that with the random derailments of my life story off the tracks in the last month and a half I'm entitled to scream out that this shit better go according to plan. Nothing has in almost two months. My plan is this. I'm trying to get Mj to drive me to Brooklyn after a ball game tonight, where I will spend the next 2 nights in Canarsie at my grandmother's house. Monday will be the shoot in Central Park from 1-3pm. Tuesday, I am attempting to reschedule any Manhattan job interviews for that day so I can come into Manhattan from Brooklyn for $2 friggin bucks. IF and after the Tuesday interviews, I'll return to Canarsie to pack my things and take the railroad from Atlantic Avenue to Hempstead railroad where Mj will pick me up and we'll go to his Tuesday night game in Bethpage directly from there. Notice how NICELY my plan is set up..PLEASE Christ, let this shit fly for me. Also, if I'm in Brooklyn on Tuesday, I should be able to swing by the studio and grab my completed shots.

I'm in a struggle as to what to bring for this shoot. He wants 3 outfits and we'll do all those shots within 2 hours. More importantly, since it's outside, what is the HIGH in Manhattan going to be tomorrow...Good Lord..burrrrr.
Well for anyone as curious as myself: Courtesy of weather.com: Manhattan: 10010: Cloudy with showers. Snow may mix in early. High 41F. Winds NE at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of rain 40%.

Well that's FAR from comforting, especially me that wasn't exactly packing things called "clothing". I have 2 J. Lo inspired "floppy" hats that I've always wanted to do a shoot with. Maybe I'll have to invest in some jeans as part of one of these shoots cause "Snow mix" according to weather.com doesn't exactly equal bikini...
Nevertheless, on ANTM (America's Next Top Model) Tyra, Mr. and Mrs. Jay insist that swimwear shots are done in the winter and winter shots are done in the summer. Interesting enough, I did see some shots in recent Allure (Allure.com) and Glamour (Glamour.com) mags of fur coats in the desert. Ouch.

I need Mj to wake up...and text me back. Even though my fiend of a text message was sent at 8:24 am..yeah, I can picture the eyebrow raise at the time when he sees that one.

Well....wish me luck.....where the fuck are the fake eyelashes....

A Nickel's Stream of Conciousness

I didn't go to my casting tonight at Fashion 40 for the Royal Blue Dimes. Actually, after an eventful day fighting with my significant other, I'm feeling quite far from a 10.

My eyes are swollen and my right eye is throbbing from a combination of incessant crying and an infected Acuvue lens. My nose is burning from constantly blowing it, and if I'm lucky it won't peel.
My hair is frizzing just in the FRONT along my hair line, where as the rest is bone straight. I have a glass of Merlot to my right, and Girls Next Door is on my TV where Kendra is flashing the Parliament. Holly is pestering Hef about getting married...she looks very old.

My homegirl is calling me about weed, meanwhile me and another homegirl of mine, Iman are not speaking to each other. I'd like a pair of $30 yellow boots I saw, in a size 8. I want to meet Hugh Hefner. I truly wish I was Kim Kardashian...with a better sounding voice.

I'm tired of fighting with the UNIVERSE. I just want this retrograde to please go smoothly because I just don't want to FIGHT anymore.

Mars 07 Retrograde

Okay, let me open by saying that I do believe in God.....just as a disclaimer...I don't know which religious freaks might be reading my page, so I don't want to be burned alive, I'm dark enough, thanks.

I do however also believe in astrology. I believe that God did align the stars and planets in a particular order bearing some affect on us. Maybe, for me who believes in that stuff, I feel so unbelievably NOT me because Mars decided TODAY was a great time to go into retrograde and stay that way until JANUARY 30TH. I CANNOT be so weak for all that time. Hells no. I cannot be so mushy, gay, miserable and cuddly until practically February of 2008. For those who don't know I am an Aries, and my direct ruling planet is Mars. It represents all the key facets of what most Aries are known to be: impatient, extremely aggressive, blunt, assertive etc. It drives the very testosterone part of The New Jack. To know that I'm going to be a full blown broad for 2 1/2 months is not pleasing to me. I can only cry but SO much, and it disgusts me. ***OTHER SIGNS AFFECTED BY THE RETROGRADE: ARIES,CANCER,LIBRA,SCORPIO AND CAPRICORN.

Assertive Mars turns retrograde today, reminding us that progress cannot be rushed. We benefit from being patient, waiting to see where our feelings lead until Mars turns direct on January 30. However, red-hot Mars in watery Cancer can have us seething, unless we consciously figure out how to constructively express our anger. The Moon's entry into intelligent Aquarius at 6:29 pm EST helps us get a lighter perspective on our emotional attachments. (Lifescript)

It disgusts me, let me repeat that ONE more time, it disgusts me. Every astro warning in LIFE has told me basically that in nice words I'm going to be a fag. Now, I'm trying to see this as positive as possible. Never mind the fact that after crying/sleeping/eating all day long I didn't think it was possible for me to cry anymore. Until my boyfriend, Mj calls and simply said "Baby, are you ok?" and then I spent the next 2 hours on the phone with him in hysterics explaining EVERYTHING to him until I was so exhausted I don't even remember falling asleep. There's a reason why I'm not OVERLY feminine. I mean, I am a girly girl and people know that but my testosterone levels are pretty apparent in my speech and diction. Being overly feminine is SO exhausting. I'm not sure if people are aware. You cry, so much. You flip out over absolutely nothing even when proven it has no basis there's still some disgusting need to wail and cry and make a scene. I can't do it, it tires me out so much and I get like that only around my period in which for that week I'm entirely asleep because of how emotional I am. To think, that I could be in that condition for the next 2 months gives me a HEADACHE.

Here's another:
Family is your overriding concern while ruling planet Mars is retrograde in Cancer from 11/15-1/30. Spend more time at home with your significant other-you'll be surprised at how much domesticity suits you. It's proof you've been craving stability lately. (Allure Magazine November 2007)**Buy the latest issue of Allure Magazine with J. Lo on the cover, excellent new articles. www.allure.com

Family damn straight is my OVERRIDING concern cause all that's been happening is incessant fighting with my parents. My ONLY refuge has truly been Mj. He'll drop anything to be here and either take me from this house or stay with me in this house God forbid he hears a sniffle in my voice. He has gone out of his way the last month to spend time with me, though I cannot lie some of our fights have been derived from me becoming a psycho. Mars slowly inching towards its retrograde has made me flip on him for the most ridiculous of things. Shit I wouldn't even post cause I feel so guilty realizing that he's here regardless. Mj is an Aries as well. Our birthdays are 4 years and 10 days apart-4/4/1982 vs. 4/14/1986. I haven't really seen the retrograde effects in him as yet in the last couple weeks. Strange. I just have noted a stronger desire to be closer to me.

Hopefully, Mj, myself and other Aries learn to put the chill factor on and get a good goddamn lesson between today and January 30th. Positively thinking, I'm looking forward to it...

Moving doll parts

The Baby Doll hasn't moved at all today. Since initially writing my post this morning, I've truly cried, slept and ate all day long. I really hate being so wretchedly vulnerable. I get the feeling that everyone reads this thing and looks at me like a complete fag. Looks at me as if I have no spine, no backbone. Like a lot of people, when sad I eat... a lot. At this rate, I'm complete kissing my casting with Royal Blue Dimes away on Friday night. I'm very aware of what I've been putting in my mouth and the RATE in which I've been consuming them. Yet still, that was the only thing I had energy to do today. That still took a toll on me effort wise. I mean, if something happened to me, how would one know? How soon do you think you'd know? What if there wasn't anything that you could do to stop this something from happening to me, how would you cope?

I guess in providing some positive news, I was contacted by a photographer to do some shots. It should be TFCD terms. Hopefully, I will have some way of GETTING to him, to actually do the shoot. Its not like I don't need the photos...
In all this, I still can't pull myself to move in my fits of sadness, let alone frigging come closer to the treadmill in my house. I mean, for christ sakes, its next to a 50 inch television, it shouldn't be that hard right? Yet, I can't make it there.

I'm looking at this Dunkin Donuts commercial...and fuck me sideways, I really could spare a kidney for a white hot chocolate and 2 muffins-one pumpkin and one blueberry. *sigh*
I'm watching ANTM (America's Next Top Model) and trying to find some frigging inspiration. Here's the winners and the blank of course is for this cycle, 9:

In the order of the photo:

• Yoanna-cycle 2
• Adrianne-cycle 1
• Danielle-cycle 6
• Caridee-cycle 7
• Naima-cycle 4
• Eva-cycle 3
• Nicole-cycle 5
• Jaslene-cycle 9

They did a cool shot in the desert, "A Model Wasteland", it's fierce. There's a burning car, a whole bunch of over the top extra-ness. I mean, it is produced by Tyra and Benny Medina.

I just need something good to just fall outta the sky....before I totally fall outta my head....

Broken Baby Doll

Its funny to me, but I guess because my face is round, a lot of women tell me I remind them of a baby doll. Round and cute. Especially when I smile I hear that a lot. I guess I haven't heard it as often of late because I'm never smiling.

Today, I had a 10am interview with the Tuttle Agency. I spoke to a very friendly woman named Priscilla who was eager to set up an interview with me, and I awoke today feeling lively and excited to go meet her and hopefully have a job. Looking at the clock right now (8:58 am), I would have been in Manhattan not too long from now (9:23 am). Instead, I'm writing to you, my avid readers and listeners to my soul worth of problems from my bedroom. I am very much in Bay Shore right now. I am in an Old Navy fleece hoodie, with the pin striped pants that I should have been interviewed with on right now. To those who read, I can't pretend nor do I need to tell you that my spirit is severely broken.

I have absolutely no money left, and turned to my parents to pay for my railroad fare for my interview this morning. It sparked at HUGE fight, that went into much depth and lasted so long, I wasn't able to take the railroad in for my interview. The fight circled my lack of money, lack of income, lack of everything. Needless to say, I'm not at my interview. I'm home, feeling worthless as I repeatedly feel is confirmed by my parents.

The stress of what I'm referring to as my life is truly what is taking a toll on me physically. I definitely have a huge writers block, as opposed to turning all of this into gazillions of songs. My voice is severely strained from lack of vocal practice in addition to lots of soda drinking and incessant yelling and screaming at some point every single day.

You would think after feeling so worthless, you'd be able to write music about being worthless or proving that you aren't...as opposed to writing nothing at all...

Check out Kanye's "I Wonder" ........I truly wonder everyday if I'll ever find my dreams...

Good Girl Going Bad

To strip or to drug deal, that is currently the question at hand.
It upsets me that I would EVER have to ask myself these questions...I never truly thought in my life I would become EITHER of those people..

Forever21 after their criminal charges, has now filed a civil suit against me totaling $400. That's what they're asking for as a settlement within the next 10-20 days. If I pay the $400, they will not take me to court. Now, I feel that EVERYONE known to man is aware that I'm currently unemployed. Even with newly accredited degree, with credit card debt and now a criminal record, I probably won't be getting a job anywhere in the near future when a background check is run. I can't afford to not be working another WEEK, let alone another year entirely. If thats what it comes down to, I will have to file as bankrupt cause there will be NO way around anything. I'm heavily avoiding filing for bankruptcy and having that cloud over my head for the next 7 years. That's an extremely long time to have something on a record.

Two alternatives, that I never thought would ever be me have come into the light. Anyone who knows me, knows that neither of these options ARE me.
I was given a card roughly 2 1/2 borderline 3 weeks ago as an offer to become a stripper. 2 months ago, I was offered substance equivalent to a "starter" amount. I would've been "supervised" to review my selling skills and turnover rate. Neither of these two avenues are me. It seems as if, God truly isn't on my side as much as I always thought he was because no matter how much I'm already at the bottom struggling with finances, there seems to be no desire to pull me out. He keeps lowering the bar, as if to see how much lower can my finances which govern EVERYTHING go before I wind up suicidal. In which I've definitely been at that point VERY recently. I was informed that if I were to kill myself or have a sudden death, that my debts would "disappear" and the government wouldn't be able to place them on my parents. Which would be a major, major concern of mine.

I'm currently coming down with a cold. This isn't surprising to me in the least; my body is extremely run down. The stress ALONE should have sickened me long, long ago and worse still, but to top it off I'm already on 9 different medications for other crap so my immune system wigging out, is not shocking me in the least. I sleep all the time.
I have a casting with Royal Blue Dimes on Friday, 11/16 at Fashion40/Candybox. My weight isn't where it should be...I'm not sure how I'm getting to Manhattan on Friday night...my hair..nails...nothing is in order nor will be due to my finances. I kindly await a summons to court yet again...So in order to evade all this madness since it seems I'm out of options, I have to break a part of who I am and lower myself to things I wouldn't do in order to just survive.

To strip or to drug deal...that is the question...

Keeping up with THE Kardashian

As per my last post, with Kardashian and I having very close to the same frame, I'm noticing how much alike our fashion sense is. I do love that for her body, she doesn't allow the universe (similar to myself) to tell what is "appropriate" to be worn. I'm so sick of even friends telling me, "if you're ass was smaller Dee, you could definitely wear a pencil skirt but you can't, its just...too much son".

"Dee, spandex tights that are in style now are ABSOLUTELY out of the question for you. You're ass is kind of weird that it can't be seen from the front for something so large, but if you were to turn around in those spandex? Jesus no...way too much ass".

Like Kardashian, I've very much united myself with the phrase "fuck you" and I've dressed as I please much to my ex-boyfriend/roach Steven's(Cj)despair. His oppression of my clothing always threw me off. My body was something only for him to see, understood, but I feel like there are some body parts you just CANNOT conceal. In jeans and a bubble jacket last night at the Damon Wayans show at the Beacon Theater with Mj, SEVERAL men stared. Mj quickly pointed it out, NOT in an accusing, angry manner the way Cj would. As if, I'm somehow to BLAME for having the body I have. I wore jeans, boots and a jacket zipped up to my eyeballs because of the rain/cold last night. Yet still, I do not feel as if I am a tipdrill. My face is nothing repulsive to look at. Men can still spot a figure if it were wrapped in garbage bags, cause that's what their eyes were TRAINED to do. The fact that Mj has NEVER treated me as if I were at fault and has never spoken to/treated me like a child demanding what I do to cover myself LIKE Cj always did, is just another small reason why I love and appreciate him.

Here's some newly released photos of Kardash:


She'll also be on the holiday December cover and spread of Playboy. Just from last Sunday's "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episode of the shoot...the pictures are fabulous.





****all photos are courtesy of:http://www.celebrity-gossip.net/celebrities/category/C341
also available as the link on the right: Kim Kardashian pics&gossip

Bodily Functions

I'm feeling very off about my body, I have been for awhile now. Aside from the fact that my vagina is going through quite some trauma....well, not aside...

I'm on 3 different medications now. I spent $138 for 3 previous prescriptions that I was allergic to, and gave my vagina a stroke is basically what happened. Since taking the new medications I'm on along with rest in ICU my vagina is doing OK for someone recovering from a stroke. I'm almost out of the woods....
I haven't had sex in almost three weeks...

Aside from the vagina traumas, I'm really not happy about what is going on with me physically in general and I haven't been since January. Around January of this year I came down with Hypoglycemia, I wasn't diagnosed until Mid-March. During that time frame, I had no idea how to LIVE with something I wasn't sure of. I spent a lot of that time EATING-very desperate to keep my sugar up in order to stay AWAKE. I had work to do, and a disgusting workload to do since I was a senior. Between January and my birthday I put on about 18-20 pounds. My normal weight is about 14-145, and my measurements were 37-27-40. I currently weigh, 163 and my measurements as of yesterday are: 38-31-42. That waist number was 32 for a good portion of the summer and through half hearted diet I got it down one inch and that has been stable. Now I know MANY of us are not complaining about the hip measurement...lots of us. My boyfriend Mj certainly used to talk about my butt ALL the time, but now with the additional two inches he truly cannot keep his hands OFF of it. I'm not complaining. I've ALWAYS had this butt.....

As a 10 year old, I used to (of course) wear dresses and skirts to church. God forbid,it was summertime and the skirt had a little cling from being of a lighter weight material. Men in the church would stare, the pastor would raise an eyebrow, and everything with a penis on Utica avenue would ask me how old I was. This posed as a very,very serious threat to my family. Especially when at 11, when the first period came in, and the boobs came at lightening speed afterwards. At 13, I was wearing a 36C, this body has ALWAYS been like this. I remember the turmoil my mother went through. Always,always,always trying to cover me. I didn't have too many friends in Junior High and I wasn't regarded as popular cause I was the girl who "dresses like a boy". Not by choice. My mother would clothe me in football sweatshirts to cover the chest, along with several layers underneath and jeans sized way too large to cover the butt. My waist was so tiny that this also came along with belts drawn through the pant loops and pulled to match my waist and puncturing NEW holes to accommodate the small waist and big butt. My grandmother (R.I.P. 8/2004) was a seamstress. She made my high school prom dress, amongst many other things for me of course. Whenever taking my measurements, it was always followed by a sigh. As if to say, "what are we going to do about this", knowing the situation was pretty much hopeless. I'm shaped exactly like my grandmother's youngest child of 8, my aunt Charmaine. I look exactly now,as Charmaine did at this age, I do NOT resemble my mother. My mother on the complete opposite could have easily tried out for ANTM but was a major art/hippie. She was 5'9, 125 pounds and the only thing that was on her as my family recalls was a "Beyonce-blonde fro and some big boobs".
So being that I'm very,very used to my body being the focal point of attention since a youngster, I haven't taken to this hypoglycemia/weight-gain in a friendly manner.

There are 3 very significant loves of my life:
Lindsay Lohan
Asia Nitollano
Kim Kardashian



I would leave any man for any one of the three. I have an unhealthy obsession with the 3, my co-workers at my internship were throughly exposed to the Lindsay obsession and because of her being away at rehab, the Kardashian obsession has come out to play. Kim Kardashian obviously, has the closest body type to me.



I feel very desperate to get mine back to what it was. Without losing the two inches on the hip of course :) The thing is, how does one who has never really had to EXERCISE for this body, start NOW. I mean I did have a period in life similar to this, when during high school my parents moved me from Brooklyn to Long Island completely altering my life. In an adolescent depression, wishing I was back in Brooklyn where I felt I very much "belonged" I shot from a pants size of 7-15. Again, the majority went towards the hip, and good portion in the waist. Getting over that depression with my parents help enabled me to get into a boot camp, and I came down to a size 9 in 5 1/2 weeks. I was stable there through college until my senior year, which is where we are at now. College is over. I don't have a free gym, but worse than that, I don't have the motivation. I know wishing cannot get you anything, but all I've been able to do is wish and hope that my frame returns to that of Kardashian.

So someone lend some advice please, with the vagina trauma, iron deficiency anemia that makes me freeze to death and sleep constantly, and hypoglycemia as some cute sprinkles on the cake, how EXACTLY do I get back to that??

Blue October Waste

A rough week has finally been completed. Liz and I both agree after getting arrested together on the first of October, that a rough month is finally completed. I rounded out the week by performing community service for 7 hours on Thursday. After high speculation that I have become an AIDS carrier due to involvement with BLUE toxic waste on the lower east side and Chinatown, I saw it best I took a mini-blog break. It would have been frantic, erratic, insane entries about the bumps that were coming up on my face and hands, both of which were covered during the service.
Chinatown has lots of...graffiti and non-English speakers/readers/direction givers/instruction followers. Did I mention lots of cigarette butts and empty crab shells? That is all in addition to blue and green swamps of toxic waste because the non-English speakers/readers/direction givers/instruction followers dump ANYTHING, ANYWHERE. This is why New York is portrayed as such a horrible place to live. I was stuck with a 40-something year old woman, who has 5 days of service and was in complete denial that she was actually there. There was a lot of pacing, and removal of her sanitation vest while speaking to herself. "I cant believe-no this isn't happening,I-I-I don't belong here, no, I don't belong here..I have to leave, I am leaving cause no, this is NOT happening" Needless to say, I became very much a New Yorker and demanded to this "partner" 20 years my senior that she put her "fucking vest back on, because I'm NOT getting in trouble because you're having a crisis, move your bin over here NOW and sweep your side of the goddamn street and meet me at this post in 25 minutes". My speech was quite effective. It had to be. We were divided into teams, and the punishment for the TEAM not getting a particular area done, or done as well as it could have been was extra days of service. I only had ONE, and I was very intent on keeping it that way. We had a nice officer, strict but nice. We were let off a half hour early due to the efficiency of our work.

I returned to Brooklyn to scrub with a Brillo pad, as instructed by my friend J (Jacki). I had sharp pains throughout my arms from the intensity in which I worked all that day. The days to follow mysterious bumps that came up which probably was proof that I was reacting to the toxic waste. If I mutate, hopefully everyone will still love me and that I'll at least become something cool and not gross looking. Which isn't very hopeful, because things made from toxic waste in a cartoon usually are dripping with...ooze.

I came back to Long Island after picking up my temp job check late friday afternoon. Around 5:45. I was pretty exhausted from the week and month in general so I just took it EXTREMELY easy and passed out pretty early. My weekend in general was pretty smooth. Matthew and I both had a very bad week so knowing our tempers, we both stayed away from each other and saw each other only once the entire week. Sprint turned his phone off, so when I was kind of sad and lonely that didn't help much. Saturday I spent the day around Suffolk county doing some driving errands for the parentals, and both Matthew and I were eager to see each other so he spent the night on Saturday. My Sunday consisted of me going to church to seek some kind of hope of all that's been going wrong in my life,and Matt surprisingly showing up right after I got out. I came home to see his car parked back at my house when he had just left 6 hours ago. We spent a couple hours just watching a movie and talking until he had a ball game that night in East Meadow. We went to his cousins game afterwards in Seaford. So, Matthew and I did some good catching up, just a nice relaxing, cuddling catching up.

My vagina is currently falling apart due to several misdiagnosed medications given to me courtesy of my fabulous GYN. So Matthew and I did no physical catching up;(which was perfectly fine,the gay romance was fabulous after such a bad month) I'm miserable and in a crapload of pain and at a point where I just want to purchase a new vagina on Ebay so I actually CAN have sex and walk around without crying inside. sigh. my poor, poor, POOR vagina. All prayers for its speedy recovery are QUITE welcomed cause I'm going coo-coo.

I've had some recent male trust issues re-arise within me due to a friend of Bryant's. Bryant and I went to SUNY Oneonta together,and is very much attempting to court me while I am in this relationship with Matthew. His friend, a roach aka Al is unsuccessfully attempting to do the same. I wasn't won over by "If any man tells YOU that he's trying to get to know you, not just because of how YOU look that's a lie". Thanks for letting me know the only thing I have to offer are good looks. Thanks. After such a nice weekend, I took a portion of that harbored pain out on Matthew, questioning him about things I already know I don't have to worry about. The convo between Matt and I late last night after him bringing me home, wasn't BAD, but it wasn't GOOD either. I've texted him today so far apologizing again, and I've yet to get a response. I wish, I wasn't so upset by that roach or let the roach get to me for me to take it out on Matt after such a nice 2 days together.

Still, today is a new day. Still jobless. Temp check already half way gone from bills. Still trying to keep a slither of hope alive.