Sunday, November 11, 2007

Good Girl Going Bad

To strip or to drug deal, that is currently the question at hand.
It upsets me that I would EVER have to ask myself these questions...I never truly thought in my life I would become EITHER of those people..

Forever21 after their criminal charges, has now filed a civil suit against me totaling $400. That's what they're asking for as a settlement within the next 10-20 days. If I pay the $400, they will not take me to court. Now, I feel that EVERYONE known to man is aware that I'm currently unemployed. Even with newly accredited degree, with credit card debt and now a criminal record, I probably won't be getting a job anywhere in the near future when a background check is run. I can't afford to not be working another WEEK, let alone another year entirely. If thats what it comes down to, I will have to file as bankrupt cause there will be NO way around anything. I'm heavily avoiding filing for bankruptcy and having that cloud over my head for the next 7 years. That's an extremely long time to have something on a record.

Two alternatives, that I never thought would ever be me have come into the light. Anyone who knows me, knows that neither of these options ARE me.
I was given a card roughly 2 1/2 borderline 3 weeks ago as an offer to become a stripper. 2 months ago, I was offered substance equivalent to a "starter" amount. I would've been "supervised" to review my selling skills and turnover rate. Neither of these two avenues are me. It seems as if, God truly isn't on my side as much as I always thought he was because no matter how much I'm already at the bottom struggling with finances, there seems to be no desire to pull me out. He keeps lowering the bar, as if to see how much lower can my finances which govern EVERYTHING go before I wind up suicidal. In which I've definitely been at that point VERY recently. I was informed that if I were to kill myself or have a sudden death, that my debts would "disappear" and the government wouldn't be able to place them on my parents. Which would be a major, major concern of mine.

I'm currently coming down with a cold. This isn't surprising to me in the least; my body is extremely run down. The stress ALONE should have sickened me long, long ago and worse still, but to top it off I'm already on 9 different medications for other crap so my immune system wigging out, is not shocking me in the least. I sleep all the time.
I have a casting with Royal Blue Dimes on Friday, 11/16 at Fashion40/Candybox. My weight isn't where it should be...I'm not sure how I'm getting to Manhattan on Friday hair..nails...nothing is in order nor will be due to my finances. I kindly await a summons to court yet again...So in order to evade all this madness since it seems I'm out of options, I have to break a part of who I am and lower myself to things I wouldn't do in order to just survive.

To strip or to drug deal...that is the question...

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