Friday, February 8, 2008

The Space Between

I'm aware of what is about to become the relative distance created between myself and other people, especially between my "best friend" and I. Things are so hard to express; nothing has been free flowing this month thus far with me verbally. Though in my brain, things are crystal. I shouldn't have been surprised knowing that Mercury the planet of communication has gone back into retrograde. Which at this point, is just getting on my last fucking nerves. It just seems like Mercury thinks its all good to be forward moving for three months and then backwards for six. Therefore, all initial progress is halted and then retreated. I'm used to the Mercury retrograde affecting me as an Aries. Even when I'm not directly aware of its happenings, I feel the symptoms of it.

Right now I feel myself pulling into a state of seclusion that is set to those outside of family. I only want to be around my family and very,VERY few outside of them do I want to currently interact with. Especially with all the recent happenings and drama with so many people I just do not feel the need to argue. I just want to relax. I say what I feel I need to say, if anything and then go on to handling issues of more importance. For those who are outside of family, I'm very,very aware and observant of their actions and so many that I call friends I'm realizing the title holds no weight. There is an obvious, if not to them, to me, space between us that keeps two people from being "associates", "acquaintances" and then "friends", "family","ride or die" etc.
Being aware of this, several individuals are going on my mental chopping block. I'm pretty sure with there not being much substance to the relationship otherwise, that they probably won't notice.

The Space Between in some instances is becoming so great that I'm not sure if its even worth attempting to fix. I've noticed "replacements" or "body doubles" of myself used as, placeholders if you will. Instead of deepening the friendship with me, people saw it fit to just replace me with others. If that is their choice, who am I to interfere but the friend left behind, right?

I feel a hardness developing over my heart. I'm not sure if I should refer to it as a callousness, but I feel something washing over me that is putting me in a state of protection of myself. I've been left behind by friends before, I'll be left behind now, and I'll be left behind in the future. Therefore, I'm not feeling the need for an extraordinary effort into things that are not giving me a signal that they're not made to last. Linette has told me repeatedly that I've changed. I haven't changed, I've just become more aware of my surroundings. Being aware of certain things, and taking precautions do not change the core and essence of your being.

For us humans must adapt in different situations in order to survive.

I have explained that I am indeed looking deeper into a more paleolithic lifestyle and in doing so, things are becoming easier in my brain. There is so much clarity. Things I used to pretend not to see about people are relatively clearer. As a paleolithic lifestyle would entail, going back to more simplistic ideals, it is common sense to adapt in order to survive and I thoroughly intend to do so.

Though my core has not and never will change, for anyone who agrees with her that it has always remember you hold a choice, to love me or leave me alone.
Once that choice is made, they'll be no space in between that.

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