The newest Urban Curves magazine....
Hitting the gym anyone??? Cause I definitely need to.....
Currently, BlackBoxx and Urban Curves are reviewing my photos...
Monday, December 31, 2007
Urban Curves 2
The newest Urban Curves magazine....
Hitting the gym anyone??? Cause I definitely need to.....
Currently, BlackBoxx and Urban Curves are reviewing my photos...
Last Grievances of 2007
2007 sucked.
It was just that simple.
My last 5 months at Oneonta were VERY drama filled and problem oriented. I lost several friendships over RIDICULOUS matters. A friend I was very,very close to Simone brought her true colors forward. I graduated with barely having any ties to the people in my graduating class and being alone. Everyone else I care about from Oneonta is relatively still IN Oneonta.
I worked as a slave at my internship, not getting paid or a travel stipend that totaled over $1,000 for the entire summer in commute from Long Island to Manhattan. While the WHITE intern received both a travel stipend and separate workers check. I never physically received my degree after all that work because I owe the college $1700.
The Significant and I had a HORRIBLE year in comparison to 2006. We fought through the majority of it and almost broke up for good several times. After a fabulous Saturday with him, and the last two weeks being relatively smooth, last night some feelings of bitterness of this year resurfaced in our otherwise good 2 hour conversation. I realize a lot of damage control and correction will occur during 2008. At least we've both agreed on that.
Since my internship being over and finally being allowed to work, I have YET to get a job.
After finding out in late 2006 that my major ex had slept with one of my friends, actually HIS best friends' girlfriend for some reason I found compassion to move forward and to let him into my life AGAIN. Naturally, just for October of this year him send me Facebook messages to break me down after all HE has done to literally destroy me.
I got arrested for the first time. I called the court today in efforts to pay my fine over the phone because I cannot AFFORD to commute from Long Island into Manhattan TWICE for New Years and then further more to pay the fine. My request was denied and I have to find myself into Manhattan before Friday, January 4th or another warrant for my arrest will be drafted.
Annoyances between bitterness with the Significant and the court FORCING me the unemployed person to COMMUTE to give them money I also DO NOT have has really gotten my blood to a boil. The fact that I have to be on the court grounds again makes my head hurt and makes a rage come up in me with the memories of the unfair punishment dealt differently between myself and accomplice. She definitely received the LIGHT end of the stick for the same exact crime.
2005 was the last time I oh so desperately wanted a year to end. I was sick with excitement for 2006 and 2006 was pretty excellent for me. Finally getting rid of my ex Steven. Finally, moving past what was done to me by my white roommates and finding people who really cared about me. Having my own apartment,the very first. Meeting The Significant and everything we did the entire summer together into the fall/winter of me being in Oneonta. My mother healing SO well from her double surgery. Memories with me and my girls the MINUTE I got home from Oneonta that May. Getting closer to The Significant's cousins.
Everything I've recapped on 2007 was just the tip of the Iceberg of drama. This is really the same way I felt ending 2005. When I counted down in Times Square with JaxPoetic, Linette, Jennifer, Chelsea and 7 other girls, the biggest, BIGGEST wave of relief came over me. I was soaked in Champagne, and kissed by random strangers. For once, I didn't react to my weave getting wet.
The faster 08 gets here......
the better.....
It was just that simple.
My last 5 months at Oneonta were VERY drama filled and problem oriented. I lost several friendships over RIDICULOUS matters. A friend I was very,very close to Simone brought her true colors forward. I graduated with barely having any ties to the people in my graduating class and being alone. Everyone else I care about from Oneonta is relatively still IN Oneonta.
I worked as a slave at my internship, not getting paid or a travel stipend that totaled over $1,000 for the entire summer in commute from Long Island to Manhattan. While the WHITE intern received both a travel stipend and separate workers check. I never physically received my degree after all that work because I owe the college $1700.
The Significant and I had a HORRIBLE year in comparison to 2006. We fought through the majority of it and almost broke up for good several times. After a fabulous Saturday with him, and the last two weeks being relatively smooth, last night some feelings of bitterness of this year resurfaced in our otherwise good 2 hour conversation. I realize a lot of damage control and correction will occur during 2008. At least we've both agreed on that.
Since my internship being over and finally being allowed to work, I have YET to get a job.
After finding out in late 2006 that my major ex had slept with one of my friends, actually HIS best friends' girlfriend for some reason I found compassion to move forward and to let him into my life AGAIN. Naturally, just for October of this year him send me Facebook messages to break me down after all HE has done to literally destroy me.
I got arrested for the first time. I called the court today in efforts to pay my fine over the phone because I cannot AFFORD to commute from Long Island into Manhattan TWICE for New Years and then further more to pay the fine. My request was denied and I have to find myself into Manhattan before Friday, January 4th or another warrant for my arrest will be drafted.
Annoyances between bitterness with the Significant and the court FORCING me the unemployed person to COMMUTE to give them money I also DO NOT have has really gotten my blood to a boil. The fact that I have to be on the court grounds again makes my head hurt and makes a rage come up in me with the memories of the unfair punishment dealt differently between myself and accomplice. She definitely received the LIGHT end of the stick for the same exact crime.
2005 was the last time I oh so desperately wanted a year to end. I was sick with excitement for 2006 and 2006 was pretty excellent for me. Finally getting rid of my ex Steven. Finally, moving past what was done to me by my white roommates and finding people who really cared about me. Having my own apartment,the very first. Meeting The Significant and everything we did the entire summer together into the fall/winter of me being in Oneonta. My mother healing SO well from her double surgery. Memories with me and my girls the MINUTE I got home from Oneonta that May. Getting closer to The Significant's cousins.
Everything I've recapped on 2007 was just the tip of the Iceberg of drama. This is really the same way I felt ending 2005. When I counted down in Times Square with JaxPoetic, Linette, Jennifer, Chelsea and 7 other girls, the biggest, BIGGEST wave of relief came over me. I was soaked in Champagne, and kissed by random strangers. For once, I didn't react to my weave getting wet.
The faster 08 gets here......
the better.....
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Music Update
Rick Ross.....R. Kelly...nothing too innovative....
Pitbull has a new song and video out featuring Trina...that I despise. All of Pitbull's music is sounding the SAME. Give him a memo please.
I should be getting the beat to the current song I'm writing by early this week....
Pitbull has a new song and video out featuring Trina...that I despise. All of Pitbull's music is sounding the SAME. Give him a memo please.
I should be getting the beat to the current song I'm writing by early this week....
Absentee Parenting 101
Yesterday was a real good day....
The significant came over and spent the entire day with me to make up for his holiday schedule and the distance put between us by it. He's off this entire weekend, so I should be spending time with him going into New Years.
In further anticipation of New Years and the impatience to celebrate, the girls decided to get together to celebrate Deanna's 22nd birthday. The night was pretty theatrical to say the least. It ended in two of us carrying Deanna inside her house and putting her to bed, while her 1 year old daughter started to stir from lights on in the bedroom.
When you're drunk and its your birthday...babies do NOT matter.
It's nice when your friend is finished and you can TELL they're having the best birthday ever. That's what counts. I'll have the photos from Beanie soon to display the intoxication....
Overview:
The weight of the Sun's harmonious trine to responsible Saturn helps us regain lost stability today. But lovely Venus entering adventurous Sagittarius tempts us with the other side of the coin. It's a challenge to strike the right balance between work and play. We need to fulfill our obligations but feel the urge to start celebrating the end of the year. Luckily, the Moon's entry into even-tempered Libra at 8:38 am EST helps us moderate the extremes. (Lifescript)
Aries:
Unfinished chores may prevent you from going out today. Although you may have big plans for the end of the year, they could take longer to materialize. It really doesn't matter if you are in a hurry; events will unfold at their own speed. Remember that anticipation can be sweet and slowing down will make the enjoyment last longer. (Lifescript)
I am BEYOND antsy for New Years. I'm so excited I'm making myself sick and driving EVERYONE around me absolutely crazy. I might head to a mall today and do last minute accessories or possibly a new dress altogether from a Christmas gift card. After spending $16 in the worst bar known to man, I'm in a reluctant and stingy mood about my money. That $16 could have been my railroad fare HOME and my EYEBROWS that need to be tended to. *sigh* I don't give a shit how hood rich I sound either.....
New Years Eve is TOMORROW!!!
The significant came over and spent the entire day with me to make up for his holiday schedule and the distance put between us by it. He's off this entire weekend, so I should be spending time with him going into New Years.
In further anticipation of New Years and the impatience to celebrate, the girls decided to get together to celebrate Deanna's 22nd birthday. The night was pretty theatrical to say the least. It ended in two of us carrying Deanna inside her house and putting her to bed, while her 1 year old daughter started to stir from lights on in the bedroom.
When you're drunk and its your birthday...babies do NOT matter.
It's nice when your friend is finished and you can TELL they're having the best birthday ever. That's what counts. I'll have the photos from Beanie soon to display the intoxication....
Overview:
The weight of the Sun's harmonious trine to responsible Saturn helps us regain lost stability today. But lovely Venus entering adventurous Sagittarius tempts us with the other side of the coin. It's a challenge to strike the right balance between work and play. We need to fulfill our obligations but feel the urge to start celebrating the end of the year. Luckily, the Moon's entry into even-tempered Libra at 8:38 am EST helps us moderate the extremes. (Lifescript)
Aries:
Unfinished chores may prevent you from going out today. Although you may have big plans for the end of the year, they could take longer to materialize. It really doesn't matter if you are in a hurry; events will unfold at their own speed. Remember that anticipation can be sweet and slowing down will make the enjoyment last longer. (Lifescript)
I am BEYOND antsy for New Years. I'm so excited I'm making myself sick and driving EVERYONE around me absolutely crazy. I might head to a mall today and do last minute accessories or possibly a new dress altogether from a Christmas gift card. After spending $16 in the worst bar known to man, I'm in a reluctant and stingy mood about my money. That $16 could have been my railroad fare HOME and my EYEBROWS that need to be tended to. *sigh* I don't give a shit how hood rich I sound either.....
New Years Eve is TOMORROW!!!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
New Years Resolutions and Fossil Imprints
As posted in a comment to the JaxPoetic Blogspot, I've been working on my New Years resolutions..
These resolutions have been drafted with the help of my Significant, Maurice and some in depth thought over the last couple weeks. I don't want them to just be New Years resolutions that I uphold for a month, and then fall off. (Like people who typically VOW to lose weight for the New Year)
Fun Fact: 73% of American Women vow as the major New Years resolution to lose weight. More than half never do.
Thus far, Resolutions of the New Jack:
No doubt I will, I'm about to be once fierce ass bitch for 2008.
These resolutions have been drafted with the help of my Significant, Maurice and some in depth thought over the last couple weeks. I don't want them to just be New Years resolutions that I uphold for a month, and then fall off. (Like people who typically VOW to lose weight for the New Year)
Fun Fact: 73% of American Women vow as the major New Years resolution to lose weight. More than half never do.
Thus far, Resolutions of the New Jack:
- Deep inquiries, before making hard accusations (especially with The Significant and other friends-almost lost the Significant and Beanie for good over this)
- Less assumptions
- Shank less people (it may give you satisfaction but it hurts the person who got shanked by you-verbally or physically)
- Resolve my trust issues-ESPECIALLY WITH MEN
- Be more open hearted to women (many are intimidated by me, and maybe because of that it might just be fear and not all planned sabotage)
- Not to be so obsessed with others thoughts of me (the quickest way to break a bitch down)
- Work on my body not for my obsession, but for a possible career (If I'm gonna get paid, this shit has gotta be on point)
- Keep my lil bro on the right path for his almost last yr of High School (after my digital camera being stolen by Latin Kings...yeah...we need to pick him some better friends)
- Study the bible in more depth (I'm already pretty religious, and attend church QUITE regularly and there are things I'd truly like to understand a lot better)
- MAKE MONEY and correct jail/debt/financial woes (shouldn't this have been higher on the list?)
- Removing the male imprints left on me
- MAKE 2008 GREAT!
No doubt I will, I'm about to be once fierce ass bitch for 2008.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Get Your Model Game Up
I got a call from an agency after a scout forwarded my pictures and information...
They want me to mail hard copies of my pictures TOMORROW morning.
They have given me an offer of $100.00 per hour for my shoots.
Let's keep the excitement to a minimum shall we?
They're also looking for more women...I got that fire if you need it...hit The New Jack in a Myspace message if you think you're interested in joining in on a shoot!
myspace.com/jamericanbrookislanite
They want me to mail hard copies of my pictures TOMORROW morning.
They have given me an offer of $100.00 per hour for my shoots.
Let's keep the excitement to a minimum shall we?
They're also looking for more women...I got that fire if you need it...hit The New Jack in a Myspace message if you think you're interested in joining in on a shoot!
myspace.com/jamericanbrookislanite
The Most Inspiring Conversation of My life
I got this quote from someone's away message:
"I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have a" life itself."
-Walter Anderson
I spent a great portion of my afternoon talking to Maurice. The best friend of my ex Cj. It definitely was apparent to us both that it was the will of God that made everything come together. He was supposed to call me today. He was supposed to remind me about my faith in God. I was supposed to break down and say all the things I've wanted to say for quite sometime but have kept quiet out of the exhaustion of being judged. I was supposed to remember how judgmental people are especially the man I once loved, Cj and his mother who never liked me to begin with. It was supposed to happen that I was to be reminded that I am a good person, and dating me is not comparable to one "eating their own vomit". It was supposed to be this way that Maurice was going to prove to me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. He was supposed to walk me through parts of the bible as a reminder that I'm going to pull through all of this. He reminded me and refocused me on so much and with his help, I'll stay on that pathway.
Maurice, I truly love you.
I'm immobilized no more, and I have chosen how I want my character to be defined.
"I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have a" life itself."
-Walter Anderson
I spent a great portion of my afternoon talking to Maurice. The best friend of my ex Cj. It definitely was apparent to us both that it was the will of God that made everything come together. He was supposed to call me today. He was supposed to remind me about my faith in God. I was supposed to break down and say all the things I've wanted to say for quite sometime but have kept quiet out of the exhaustion of being judged. I was supposed to remember how judgmental people are especially the man I once loved, Cj and his mother who never liked me to begin with. It was supposed to happen that I was to be reminded that I am a good person, and dating me is not comparable to one "eating their own vomit". It was supposed to be this way that Maurice was going to prove to me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. He was supposed to walk me through parts of the bible as a reminder that I'm going to pull through all of this. He reminded me and refocused me on so much and with his help, I'll stay on that pathway.
Maurice, I truly love you.
I'm immobilized no more, and I have chosen how I want my character to be defined.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Blue Magic
I'm sure by now, if you are in the land of the living you're aware that Hov is stepping down at the end of '07 from his position as President of Def Jam Records.
As was being discussed on New York's Hot 97, I do believe that Jermaine Dupri or L.A. Reid will be one of the shiest characters to claim the presidency. I have NOT heard fabulous things about L.A. Reid and how he treats his artists.
Forbes.com gives a great article
I do believe that Jay is responsible for some people that whether you like them or not, is taking the music world by storm. Rihanna, Amy Winehouse and Ne-Yo for starters. It's scary to think of it sometimes that I have a degree in Music Industry and probably will not be ever able to use it. Universal made such a HUGE layoff. The Industry itself has done hundreds of layoffs this year.
Not really making me feel good about the future in terms of my job placement...
For you guys, a mini Hov playlist:
As was being discussed on New York's Hot 97, I do believe that Jermaine Dupri or L.A. Reid will be one of the shiest characters to claim the presidency. I have NOT heard fabulous things about L.A. Reid and how he treats his artists.
Forbes.com gives a great article
I do believe that Jay is responsible for some people that whether you like them or not, is taking the music world by storm. Rihanna, Amy Winehouse and Ne-Yo for starters. It's scary to think of it sometimes that I have a degree in Music Industry and probably will not be ever able to use it. Universal made such a HUGE layoff. The Industry itself has done hundreds of layoffs this year.
Not really making me feel good about the future in terms of my job placement...
For you guys, a mini Hov playlist:
New Jack's New Hair
As per the last post...
The New Jack officially has the New Year '08 hair DONE and ready for debut...
It's cute..cute is a good word to define it, it's certainly NOT FIRECROTCH like it was for the '07 debut. Photos will NOT be posted until New Years...so whoever doesn't see me on New Years can get the full effect of the hair/dress/shoes/drunken photos of me and my BFF etc.
Astro Overview for you guys:
Today's normally playful Leo Moon creates discomfort with our feelings as it dynamically squares attractive Venus. Additionally, a harsh semisquare between rational Mercury and loving Venus restricts our ability to ask for what we want. A semisquare between the willful Sun and illusive Neptune heightens the difference between existing circumstances and our fantasies, while making it difficult for us to find solace by escaping into our dreams.
Aries Horoscope:
You want others to see that you are doing the right thing these days, but that can be quite a challenge. Part of the problem is that you'd rather be enjoying yourself than fulfilling previous obligations. Accepting your current place in the world isn't easy, but it's what you must do. Playtime can wait until later.
I truly do want people to see that I'm doing the right thing. After so many revelations, I'm really, really focused. I've definitely have been working SUPER hard on the trust issues I have with a few particular people and I'm feeling good about it. I have been having been having some fun, but not over indulgent because I'm really focused. I'm still tired from all the fun in Brooklyn yesterday.
Now that the new hair is in order, I can probably put the 2 people trying to shoot with me into effect. I've slacked for the last 4-5 days on the TaeBo, half out of discouraged feelings and half out of exhaustion. Right now, I'm just tired and its 11:30 a.m.
I'll be back, put in a more exciting post before the day is through....
Beauty rest for the New Jack is slightly high on the priority list.
The New Jack officially has the New Year '08 hair DONE and ready for debut...
It's cute..cute is a good word to define it, it's certainly NOT FIRECROTCH like it was for the '07 debut. Photos will NOT be posted until New Years...so whoever doesn't see me on New Years can get the full effect of the hair/dress/shoes/drunken photos of me and my BFF etc.
Astro Overview for you guys:
Today's normally playful Leo Moon creates discomfort with our feelings as it dynamically squares attractive Venus. Additionally, a harsh semisquare between rational Mercury and loving Venus restricts our ability to ask for what we want. A semisquare between the willful Sun and illusive Neptune heightens the difference between existing circumstances and our fantasies, while making it difficult for us to find solace by escaping into our dreams.
Aries Horoscope:
You want others to see that you are doing the right thing these days, but that can be quite a challenge. Part of the problem is that you'd rather be enjoying yourself than fulfilling previous obligations. Accepting your current place in the world isn't easy, but it's what you must do. Playtime can wait until later.
I truly do want people to see that I'm doing the right thing. After so many revelations, I'm really, really focused. I've definitely have been working SUPER hard on the trust issues I have with a few particular people and I'm feeling good about it. I have been having been having some fun, but not over indulgent because I'm really focused. I'm still tired from all the fun in Brooklyn yesterday.
Now that the new hair is in order, I can probably put the 2 people trying to shoot with me into effect. I've slacked for the last 4-5 days on the TaeBo, half out of discouraged feelings and half out of exhaustion. Right now, I'm just tired and its 11:30 a.m.
I'll be back, put in a more exciting post before the day is through....
Beauty rest for the New Jack is slightly high on the priority list.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
A New "New Jack"
Christmas was nice...comfortable nice....
I'm going to attempt to concentrate on writing all the things I want to, but when your bedroom is 62 degrees because your brother saw it fit to NOT turn on the house heat...well, that breaks your concentration a bit. Especially, if you're typing to the world in bed in a bubble jacket.
Christmas was comfortable. 3 family members came over, and I saw the girls: Chas, Linette and Tina that evening which as short as it was, was real nice.
As from before the time of the "Stripped" entry, I was doing some real hard core thinking about the New Jack and what has really been going on in my life during the last 3 years.
As per my last entry, it really has come to a breaking point with me and I'm truly ready to make some advances. I've been stressed and crying incessantly trying to cope and deal with all these feelings and they came out in a slight fit of anger with an ex...
Feel free to read the relevant piece of our convo, or just skip past it
Ex (8:43:35 PM): im not mad at you or not talking to you anymore
Ex (8:43:43 PM): i hope youre not pissed at me
New Jack (8:45:55 PM): i was heavily annoyed at one point and then....a lot has been going on where im slowing realizing that i have to take things as they are and i cant fight everything that other people want
New Jack (8:46:24 PM): and my issue has always been that i never accept that fact..
New Jack (8:46:47 PM): im very very impatient, and im very dominant
New Jack (8:46:50 PM): and i realized that...
New Jack (8:46:55 PM): this isnt the way the world works.....
New Jack (8:47:37 PM): and people have rights, and if they dont wanna do something..or talk to me...or see me, whatever said case may be i CANNOT force people to do things, nor so should I WANT to force someone cause then it isnt genuine
New Jack (8:47:57 PM): and ive been crying almost everyday for the last couple weeks
New Jack (8:48:08 PM): and its just...
New Jack (8:48:14 PM): you gotta roll with the punches....
New Jack (8:49:02 PM): for example, if i may want to spend all the time in the world with Matt and if he either 1. doesnt have that allotted time or 2. doesnt have the mutual feeling that i do ...i cannot FORCE him to nor should i WANT to force him because his mind/heart will be elsewhere
New Jack (8:49:07 PM): and it applies to everything....
New Jack (8:49:23 PM): my impatience has rotted me inside...
New Jack (8:50:19 PM): and now that ive confronted to an extent the source of all these feelings...the impatience, the force, the yelling...im in an extremely fragile state but maybe its the stepping stone to something better
New Jack (8:50:24 PM): my grandmother is dead
New Jack (8:50:27 PM): she isnt coming back
New Jack (8:50:32 PM): Charmaine is selling the house
New Jack (8:50:36 PM): and thats the end of it
New Jack (8:51:03 PM): I havent had a sense of life direction since the death but that doesnt mean i dont HAVE to have that direction
New Jack (8:51:08 PM): NOW
New Jack (8:51:22 PM): i was never impatient, thats why everyone walked all over me in school
New Jack (8:51:30 PM): very patient and too trusting
New Jack (8:51:47 PM): and she died and I became the exact opposite way for what is about to be 4 years
New Jack (8:52:48 PM): and I was living life with a lot more success prior to the death and change in demeanor and maybe to an extent things arent going well in life for me now because i changed
New Jack (8:53:18 PM): maybe this has all been God's way of showing me i didn't make a positive change after her death
New Jack (8:53:30 PM): I cry all the time because I'm alone
New Jack (8:53:37 PM): I dont have a job
New Jack (8:53:49 PM): I'm in my house alone everyday of the week
New Jack (8:53:57 PM): i have no transportation to leave, and i'm prisoner here
New Jack (8:54:24 PM): and my impatience to LEAVE is jsut making matters worse because i never made a POSITIVE CHANGE
Ex (8:56:51 PM): i think im beginning to understand
Ex (8:57:15 PM): i want to help out, but im not sure how...
New Jack (8:59:24 PM): i wouldnt know how to tell you but theres a lot i need to fix in order to make 08 truly great and turn shit around for myself
Ex (9:00:21 PM):
Ex (9:00:37 PM):
New Jack (9:01:00 PM): im not going to be...the one to chase is what im saying....ive been i guess hounding people etc and the whole force thing...so its like if you wanted that space, its granted
New Jack (9:01:05 PM): like i'll leave you alone
New Jack (9:01:18 PM): and it doesnt have to be because of everything i began to express to you
Ex (9:02:08 PM): its not even that
Ex (9:02:18 PM): i DONT want you to leave
Ex (9:02:27 PM): and you havent been hounding me at all
Ex (9:02:44 PM): I'VE been feeling like i have
We took our conversation to the phone and I've come to realize that I've really changed in some negative aspects not because I WANTED to, but as the reaction to negative things occurring. My credit is shot, from never grieving the death and basically for the last couple years attempting to buy my happiness. Literally.
I've finally confronted all my demons.
And it's not been pretty in the least. I'm not sure how much more it is humanly possible for me to cry. Maybe, its because I never grieved properly all these years.
Since New Years 2006, I made it a point to try and "transform" myself or "reinvent" myself for the upcoming year. I made it a kooky tradition to start just by doing something I've never done with my hair before to offset the new year and this new hair will be debuted to the public on New Years eve. 2006 I went very Jessica Rabbit, 2007 I went complete firecrotch. 2008 is a little simpler, the the fullness of my hair is to represent the abundance of good things to come for 2008 because I've finally confronted the demons and have carved out a really nice path as to how to finally start to fix them. My head is buzzing with so much ideas and thoughts and things that would aid in clarifying it all for you guys, but I can't even begin to write it all down. It's truly too much. Maybe this is because I shouldn't talk about it, and just be about it. People will see the changes on their own, and if they don't this change was more MY peace primarily anyway.
So maybe, if 2008 is going the way I want it to go...
Maybe, I'll live the Mary life, "No More Drama"
I'm going to attempt to concentrate on writing all the things I want to, but when your bedroom is 62 degrees because your brother saw it fit to NOT turn on the house heat...well, that breaks your concentration a bit. Especially, if you're typing to the world in bed in a bubble jacket.
Christmas was comfortable. 3 family members came over, and I saw the girls: Chas, Linette and Tina that evening which as short as it was, was real nice.
As from before the time of the "Stripped" entry, I was doing some real hard core thinking about the New Jack and what has really been going on in my life during the last 3 years.
As per my last entry, it really has come to a breaking point with me and I'm truly ready to make some advances. I've been stressed and crying incessantly trying to cope and deal with all these feelings and they came out in a slight fit of anger with an ex...
Feel free to read the relevant piece of our convo, or just skip past it
Ex (8:43:35 PM): im not mad at you or not talking to you anymore
Ex (8:43:43 PM): i hope youre not pissed at me
New Jack (8:45:55 PM): i was heavily annoyed at one point and then....a lot has been going on where im slowing realizing that i have to take things as they are and i cant fight everything that other people want
New Jack (8:46:24 PM): and my issue has always been that i never accept that fact..
New Jack (8:46:47 PM): im very very impatient, and im very dominant
New Jack (8:46:50 PM): and i realized that...
New Jack (8:46:55 PM): this isnt the way the world works.....
New Jack (8:47:37 PM): and people have rights, and if they dont wanna do something..or talk to me...or see me, whatever said case may be i CANNOT force people to do things, nor so should I WANT to force someone cause then it isnt genuine
New Jack (8:47:57 PM): and ive been crying almost everyday for the last couple weeks
New Jack (8:48:08 PM): and its just...
New Jack (8:48:14 PM): you gotta roll with the punches....
New Jack (8:49:02 PM): for example, if i may want to spend all the time in the world with Matt and if he either 1. doesnt have that allotted time or 2. doesnt have the mutual feeling that i do ...i cannot FORCE him to nor should i WANT to force him because his mind/heart will be elsewhere
New Jack (8:49:07 PM): and it applies to everything....
New Jack (8:49:23 PM): my impatience has rotted me inside...
New Jack (8:50:19 PM): and now that ive confronted to an extent the source of all these feelings...the impatience, the force, the yelling...im in an extremely fragile state but maybe its the stepping stone to something better
New Jack (8:50:24 PM): my grandmother is dead
New Jack (8:50:27 PM): she isnt coming back
New Jack (8:50:32 PM): Charmaine is selling the house
New Jack (8:50:36 PM): and thats the end of it
New Jack (8:51:03 PM): I havent had a sense of life direction since the death but that doesnt mean i dont HAVE to have that direction
New Jack (8:51:08 PM): NOW
New Jack (8:51:22 PM): i was never impatient, thats why everyone walked all over me in school
New Jack (8:51:30 PM): very patient and too trusting
New Jack (8:51:47 PM): and she died and I became the exact opposite way for what is about to be 4 years
New Jack (8:52:48 PM): and I was living life with a lot more success prior to the death and change in demeanor and maybe to an extent things arent going well in life for me now because i changed
New Jack (8:53:18 PM): maybe this has all been God's way of showing me i didn't make a positive change after her death
New Jack (8:53:30 PM): I cry all the time because I'm alone
New Jack (8:53:37 PM): I dont have a job
New Jack (8:53:49 PM): I'm in my house alone everyday of the week
New Jack (8:53:57 PM): i have no transportation to leave, and i'm prisoner here
New Jack (8:54:24 PM): and my impatience to LEAVE is jsut making matters worse because i never made a POSITIVE CHANGE
Ex (8:56:51 PM): i think im beginning to understand
Ex (8:57:15 PM): i want to help out, but im not sure how...
New Jack (8:59:24 PM): i wouldnt know how to tell you but theres a lot i need to fix in order to make 08 truly great and turn shit around for myself
Ex (9:00:21 PM):
Ex (9:00:37 PM):
New Jack (9:01:00 PM): im not going to be...the one to chase is what im saying....ive been i guess hounding people etc and the whole force thing...so its like if you wanted that space, its granted
New Jack (9:01:05 PM): like i'll leave you alone
New Jack (9:01:18 PM): and it doesnt have to be because of everything i began to express to you
Ex (9:02:08 PM): its not even that
Ex (9:02:18 PM): i DONT want you to leave
Ex (9:02:27 PM): and you havent been hounding me at all
Ex (9:02:44 PM): I'VE been feeling like i have
We took our conversation to the phone and I've come to realize that I've really changed in some negative aspects not because I WANTED to, but as the reaction to negative things occurring. My credit is shot, from never grieving the death and basically for the last couple years attempting to buy my happiness. Literally.
I've finally confronted all my demons.
And it's not been pretty in the least. I'm not sure how much more it is humanly possible for me to cry. Maybe, its because I never grieved properly all these years.
Since New Years 2006, I made it a point to try and "transform" myself or "reinvent" myself for the upcoming year. I made it a kooky tradition to start just by doing something I've never done with my hair before to offset the new year and this new hair will be debuted to the public on New Years eve. 2006 I went very Jessica Rabbit, 2007 I went complete firecrotch. 2008 is a little simpler, the the fullness of my hair is to represent the abundance of good things to come for 2008 because I've finally confronted the demons and have carved out a really nice path as to how to finally start to fix them. My head is buzzing with so much ideas and thoughts and things that would aid in clarifying it all for you guys, but I can't even begin to write it all down. It's truly too much. Maybe this is because I shouldn't talk about it, and just be about it. People will see the changes on their own, and if they don't this change was more MY peace primarily anyway.
So maybe, if 2008 is going the way I want it to go...
Maybe, I'll live the Mary life, "No More Drama"
Monday, December 24, 2007
Not Holiday Hopeful
I don't have anything crazy exciting to write about..
Nothing WILD in the world is going on that I can update you on..
Feeling sadly in and out of sync is all I can pretty much tell you about...
I spent a pretty carefree afternoon in Brooklyn. Had some good laughs but was sadly reminded of what the holidays have become for me. Ever since my grandmother passed away in 2004, every Christmas time has some melancholy cloud over it. Beginning approximately at the time of Thanksgiving or immediately afterwards.
Christmas '04: First Christmas as a family the year my grandmother dies. As opposed to spending the holiday together as usual, we all scattered ourselves as far a way from each other as possible.
Christmas '05: My mother underwent yet another surgery, days before Christmas. I was notified that I would basically homeless for the following school year if I didn't find my own apartment after being voted out of a suite by all white roommates.
Christmas '06: The beginning stages of final separation from Steven after thousands of empty promises had run its course. My father was unemployed for about a year and change at this point, and we were surviving off of my mothers' disabled salary. I was a senior at Oneonta and this too was the beginning grounds of trouble for Simone and I. Ridiculously busy with work, the Significant became distant despite the initial excitement that I was home from Oneonta which became brewing grounds for lots of fights.
....Christmas '07: I have a degree, with no job. I don't even physically possess the degree because I owe the college $1700. After 2 years of unemployment, my parents are still desperately trying to correct all the financial damage and the December mortgage on my house has not been paid as yet. The Significant is again as a retail worker similar to so many others, is swamped with work. I see him just about once per week since Black Friday, and if I'm insanely lucky maybe 2 or 3 times. My grandmother's house is finally about to be up for sale. For the first time in 14 years since the day we moved everything into that house, I have seen it empty. I've already physically lost her...now the house is going too. Not being able to see my friends or Significant during this time, has just made the term "lonely" the biggest understatement. Empty and sadness couldn't possibly clarify what I'm feeling. My hypoglycemia acting up along with these not great feelings aren't exactly keeping me awake either. I'm doing a lot of sleeping. Hypoglycemia+Depression=10-13 hours of sleep at night
Despite these feelings......
Merry Christmas to all.
Nothing WILD in the world is going on that I can update you on..
Feeling sadly in and out of sync is all I can pretty much tell you about...
I spent a pretty carefree afternoon in Brooklyn. Had some good laughs but was sadly reminded of what the holidays have become for me. Ever since my grandmother passed away in 2004, every Christmas time has some melancholy cloud over it. Beginning approximately at the time of Thanksgiving or immediately afterwards.
Christmas '04: First Christmas as a family the year my grandmother dies. As opposed to spending the holiday together as usual, we all scattered ourselves as far a way from each other as possible.
Christmas '05: My mother underwent yet another surgery, days before Christmas. I was notified that I would basically homeless for the following school year if I didn't find my own apartment after being voted out of a suite by all white roommates.
Christmas '06: The beginning stages of final separation from Steven after thousands of empty promises had run its course. My father was unemployed for about a year and change at this point, and we were surviving off of my mothers' disabled salary. I was a senior at Oneonta and this too was the beginning grounds of trouble for Simone and I. Ridiculously busy with work, the Significant became distant despite the initial excitement that I was home from Oneonta which became brewing grounds for lots of fights.
....Christmas '07: I have a degree, with no job. I don't even physically possess the degree because I owe the college $1700. After 2 years of unemployment, my parents are still desperately trying to correct all the financial damage and the December mortgage on my house has not been paid as yet. The Significant is again as a retail worker similar to so many others, is swamped with work. I see him just about once per week since Black Friday, and if I'm insanely lucky maybe 2 or 3 times. My grandmother's house is finally about to be up for sale. For the first time in 14 years since the day we moved everything into that house, I have seen it empty. I've already physically lost her...now the house is going too. Not being able to see my friends or Significant during this time, has just made the term "lonely" the biggest understatement. Empty and sadness couldn't possibly clarify what I'm feeling. My hypoglycemia acting up along with these not great feelings aren't exactly keeping me awake either. I'm doing a lot of sleeping. Hypoglycemia+Depression=10-13 hours of sleep at night
Despite these feelings......
Merry Christmas to all.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Stripped
I feel like I need to step my game up...
Well, I don't feel like it, I more so know...unemployment is a bitch, but in part someone who found it so easy to get a job in the past can't get a job now maybe with reason.
For awhile now, I've felt that to an extent this might just be a part of God's plan. If I had a full time job, with the things I TRULY want to accomplish, there's no way in hell it could possibly happen with such a major 40hrs/week obligation. Even though my body isn't 100% the fire it used to be, I have the TIME needed to correct it, go on photo shoots, "go-sees" and hopefully, record sometime soon.
I want to go back to what I was...and this....
is..close, but still "No Cigar"..
I saw the E! True Hollywood story of Christina Aguilera and as homosexual as it may sound, it was very inspirational. Someone whose outward appearance seems so carefree, but inside had a lot of struggle, strife and pain.
Here is the intro from her "Stripped" tour...when she finally let go of her demons and started doing things as she wanted to:
She was 22 when she was in this stage of her life...I'll be 22 in April. Something I've been in huge denial about. I've deeply felt like at 22 I'll be considered old and be looked upon with disdain for what I'm doing. I'm slowly realizing that I'm 21 turning 22 and I'll still be able to do whatever I want. I need to utilize this time. I know who I am and currently, I'm rebelling against the heat I've received about WHO I AM. Its something that has plagued my life for years on end, people being so not accepting of who I am, including boyfriends who have claimed to "love" me. Steven, if you "loved" me, you would have been able to accept me for who I am and not who you WANTED me to be. From childhood, I've always been ridiculed and stressed out because people have always insisted I "change", never specifying what to change INTO. I've lost boyfriends, I've lost friends, and recently lost family to being WHO I AM.
I've gotten a lot of heat for this blog.
I get a lot of heat for my photos.
I've gotten much praise and just as much heat. But, similar to Christina, this is my way of stripping myself down to people about what I want, believe in, stand for, choose to do etc. No one can do anything about it. You can love me for me or get fucking lost. Slowly, I'm feeling a lot freer. With every shoot, with every opportunity. Things are STILL rough for me, especially monetary wise but things are simultaneously turning around. That's because I'm not hiding anything. I'm not putting myself on a pedestal for people to expect things of me and we both suffer the disappointments.
I am who I am.
These days, I feel pretty damn good about it...
Ironically, it's good I blew off some of this steam here in the blog. Here's todays Aries horoscope:
Although you may be mentally agile today, you might also feel an irrepressible anger that just won't go away. Even if things go well for you now, a part of your attention remains on trying to untie a knot in your stomach. Be careful not to slip into holiday mode to avoid an important issue. Instead, use your mind to help you reach your goals. Think before acting boldly.
Excerpts from the MTV diary of Christina Aguilera, also during Stripped
(from FallenxxOxangel)
Well, I don't feel like it, I more so know...unemployment is a bitch, but in part someone who found it so easy to get a job in the past can't get a job now maybe with reason.
For awhile now, I've felt that to an extent this might just be a part of God's plan. If I had a full time job, with the things I TRULY want to accomplish, there's no way in hell it could possibly happen with such a major 40hrs/week obligation. Even though my body isn't 100% the fire it used to be, I have the TIME needed to correct it, go on photo shoots, "go-sees" and hopefully, record sometime soon.
I want to go back to what I was...and this....
is..close, but still "No Cigar"..
I saw the E! True Hollywood story of Christina Aguilera and as homosexual as it may sound, it was very inspirational. Someone whose outward appearance seems so carefree, but inside had a lot of struggle, strife and pain.
Here is the intro from her "Stripped" tour...when she finally let go of her demons and started doing things as she wanted to:
She was 22 when she was in this stage of her life...I'll be 22 in April. Something I've been in huge denial about. I've deeply felt like at 22 I'll be considered old and be looked upon with disdain for what I'm doing. I'm slowly realizing that I'm 21 turning 22 and I'll still be able to do whatever I want. I need to utilize this time. I know who I am and currently, I'm rebelling against the heat I've received about WHO I AM. Its something that has plagued my life for years on end, people being so not accepting of who I am, including boyfriends who have claimed to "love" me. Steven, if you "loved" me, you would have been able to accept me for who I am and not who you WANTED me to be. From childhood, I've always been ridiculed and stressed out because people have always insisted I "change", never specifying what to change INTO. I've lost boyfriends, I've lost friends, and recently lost family to being WHO I AM.
I've gotten a lot of heat for this blog.
I get a lot of heat for my photos.
I've gotten much praise and just as much heat. But, similar to Christina, this is my way of stripping myself down to people about what I want, believe in, stand for, choose to do etc. No one can do anything about it. You can love me for me or get fucking lost. Slowly, I'm feeling a lot freer. With every shoot, with every opportunity. Things are STILL rough for me, especially monetary wise but things are simultaneously turning around. That's because I'm not hiding anything. I'm not putting myself on a pedestal for people to expect things of me and we both suffer the disappointments.
I am who I am.
These days, I feel pretty damn good about it...
Ironically, it's good I blew off some of this steam here in the blog. Here's todays Aries horoscope:
Although you may be mentally agile today, you might also feel an irrepressible anger that just won't go away. Even if things go well for you now, a part of your attention remains on trying to untie a knot in your stomach. Be careful not to slip into holiday mode to avoid an important issue. Instead, use your mind to help you reach your goals. Think before acting boldly.
Excerpts from the MTV diary of Christina Aguilera, also during Stripped
(from FallenxxOxangel)
Friday, December 21, 2007
TaeBo Hell
I'm drinking a tall cup of Sorrel and coconut rum as well deserved...
TaeBo is Satan...
I am officially reaching out to someone who thinks the possess the power to get me to do all the crunches necessary to have the stomach of Janet Jackson, cause my will power...just aint cuttin it..will power+New Jack=loads of bullshit
I've never been in so much pain...
Back when I was about 15, upon my move from Brooklyn to Long Island I went into a depression and went from probably a size 8 jean to a size 14/15. That's the heaviest I ever was. After making friends in Long Island, still hating Brentwood but becoming tolerable of the situation I made vow to lose the weight. A friend of mine at the time who I nicknamed Gizzmo was just as obsessed with her weight as I was so we were diligent about the weight loss. Along with her as well as without her, I TaeBo-ed and sweat out my perm about 4 days a week for a month. I dropped radically from the 14 to a 9 and remained that way for quite some time. My waist was a 27.5 and my hip was 40 inches.
Currently, my waist is down from what it was when I was first diagnosed with Hypoglycemia to now about a 30.5. I'm still desperate to get it BACK to 27. The will power difference between roughly 15-16 years old and now 21 is quite significant. I was in pain, NO DOUBT when I was 15, but I guess such a determination, it was as if I didn't feel it. Now, I feel absolutely every single move I make. I hear every crack my body makes, and the second the ab pain starts to kick in, I simultaneously get a piercing headache. I have several people trying to set up photo shoots with me and I'm not going to do it unless I'm ON POINT.
My body is...getting old? Is that possible for someone as fierce as myself? I just became LEGAL!
Someone give me some motivation...or a personal ab trainer....
TaeBo is Satan...
I am officially reaching out to someone who thinks the possess the power to get me to do all the crunches necessary to have the stomach of Janet Jackson, cause my will power...just aint cuttin it..will power+New Jack=loads of bullshit
I've never been in so much pain...
Back when I was about 15, upon my move from Brooklyn to Long Island I went into a depression and went from probably a size 8 jean to a size 14/15. That's the heaviest I ever was. After making friends in Long Island, still hating Brentwood but becoming tolerable of the situation I made vow to lose the weight. A friend of mine at the time who I nicknamed Gizzmo was just as obsessed with her weight as I was so we were diligent about the weight loss. Along with her as well as without her, I TaeBo-ed and sweat out my perm about 4 days a week for a month. I dropped radically from the 14 to a 9 and remained that way for quite some time. My waist was a 27.5 and my hip was 40 inches.
Currently, my waist is down from what it was when I was first diagnosed with Hypoglycemia to now about a 30.5. I'm still desperate to get it BACK to 27. The will power difference between roughly 15-16 years old and now 21 is quite significant. I was in pain, NO DOUBT when I was 15, but I guess such a determination, it was as if I didn't feel it. Now, I feel absolutely every single move I make. I hear every crack my body makes, and the second the ab pain starts to kick in, I simultaneously get a piercing headache. I have several people trying to set up photo shoots with me and I'm not going to do it unless I'm ON POINT.
My body is...getting old? Is that possible for someone as fierce as myself? I just became LEGAL!
Someone give me some motivation...or a personal ab trainer....
Umbrella-ella-ella
You bastards are quick, its only 8:27 a.m. and 11 people have monitored the blog...
Well applause to LibraDreamer again, she translated the dream I posted in DreamCloud. It's nice to have people like that around, deciphering things your ass wish you could, my primary thoughts of the dream were just: New Jack+Jail=Death.
Here's your astro overview:
You may not be able to shake an uneasy sense of free-floating anxiety today, even if everything seems in order. Buried feelings are coming to the surface, yet you may not be ready for them to be seen by everyone. Avoidance could work, but requires too much of your attention to make it a viable strategy.
Man this retrograde shit is really getting on my last nerves. People who have no clue about astrology need to understand, the last thing you want is: 1. A retrograde in Saturn AT ALL, worse so passing through your sign when doing so and 2. A retrograde directly in your sign.
This summer was VERY rough for me, and pretty much everyone around me since Saturn was in retrograde, worse so in the friends whose sign it affected. Now Aries key planet Mars is in retrograde which pretty much since the arrest my life has been on "retard". It intends to stay in "asshole" mode until January 30th.
Here is what is supposed to be a cute pic of my baby, Kim Kardashian...but has gone awry...
She was in Mexico with her sisters, and I would've loved to see the suit, but this is like..trying to be a fashionable Muslim wife?
By the way, I've finally seen pictures of her ex-husband, he's black, I'm sure you're shocked. He's also a music producer, more shock written on your face. He's also hideous. Hey, the woman married someone who appreciated the goodies, nothing wrong there..I don't think.
Every site known to man is hyping 2007 as the year of Soulja Boy and Rihanna. Even though I do feel like Rihanna didn't do nearly as much hood rich damage as Soulja Boy. SIDENOTE: The video for (Crank Dat) Batman is going to drop. Those boys: The Pop It Off Boyz have gotten a record deal, I BELIEVE (don't quote my black ass) that its through Universal. Here are behind the scenes to implanting the seeds of the south back into the minds of America:
My face hurts...The New Jack still has a cold...I just want to BREATHE...
Away from Fergalicious, the new Allure cover goes to Rihanna...you were again, so shocked...
Yeah...I'm unemployed...and going to buy it...and you are TOO just because Rihanna is on the cover..
Being the owner of the current Glamour on newstands that I told you guys about (Carrie Underwood cover) It's been a good read thus far, I will comment on the REDUCTION of size of the magazine. Things like that do NOT make me who has spent $3._ _ at WalMart purchasing this magazine happy. The Marie Claire with Aguilera on the cover is even worse so, I want it so bad and every time I pick UP the magazine to see how thin it is I get upset.
As much as I've boycotted Cosmopolitan recently, I got a free copy (yeah I'm black and said it) of the December with Beyonce on the cover. This month, it was a good read, its kind of worth your money but if get it for free TAKE it.
Well applause to LibraDreamer again, she translated the dream I posted in DreamCloud. It's nice to have people like that around, deciphering things your ass wish you could, my primary thoughts of the dream were just: New Jack+Jail=Death.
Here's your astro overview:
You may not be able to shake an uneasy sense of free-floating anxiety today, even if everything seems in order. Buried feelings are coming to the surface, yet you may not be ready for them to be seen by everyone. Avoidance could work, but requires too much of your attention to make it a viable strategy.
Man this retrograde shit is really getting on my last nerves. People who have no clue about astrology need to understand, the last thing you want is: 1. A retrograde in Saturn AT ALL, worse so passing through your sign when doing so and 2. A retrograde directly in your sign.
This summer was VERY rough for me, and pretty much everyone around me since Saturn was in retrograde, worse so in the friends whose sign it affected. Now Aries key planet Mars is in retrograde which pretty much since the arrest my life has been on "retard". It intends to stay in "asshole" mode until January 30th.
Here is what is supposed to be a cute pic of my baby, Kim Kardashian...but has gone awry...
She was in Mexico with her sisters, and I would've loved to see the suit, but this is like..trying to be a fashionable Muslim wife?
By the way, I've finally seen pictures of her ex-husband, he's black, I'm sure you're shocked. He's also a music producer, more shock written on your face. He's also hideous. Hey, the woman married someone who appreciated the goodies, nothing wrong there..I don't think.
Every site known to man is hyping 2007 as the year of Soulja Boy and Rihanna. Even though I do feel like Rihanna didn't do nearly as much hood rich damage as Soulja Boy. SIDENOTE: The video for (Crank Dat) Batman is going to drop. Those boys: The Pop It Off Boyz have gotten a record deal, I BELIEVE (don't quote my black ass) that its through Universal. Here are behind the scenes to implanting the seeds of the south back into the minds of America:
My face hurts...The New Jack still has a cold...I just want to BREATHE...
Away from Fergalicious, the new Allure cover goes to Rihanna...you were again, so shocked...
Yeah...I'm unemployed...and going to buy it...and you are TOO just because Rihanna is on the cover..Being the owner of the current Glamour on newstands that I told you guys about (Carrie Underwood cover) It's been a good read thus far, I will comment on the REDUCTION of size of the magazine. Things like that do NOT make me who has spent $3._ _ at WalMart purchasing this magazine happy. The Marie Claire with Aguilera on the cover is even worse so, I want it so bad and every time I pick UP the magazine to see how thin it is I get upset.
As much as I've boycotted Cosmopolitan recently, I got a free copy (yeah I'm black and said it) of the December with Beyonce on the cover. This month, it was a good read, its kind of worth your money but if get it for free TAKE it.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Mr. Dilinjah
Well, nice day thus far....recovering from the dream nicely, neck is still kinda fucked up though...
To brighten my day, Mr. Dylan Dilinjah left a comment on the myspace about the blog!
He supports!
Him and I go back like Nike Airs and White tees but still, you support and advertise me, make damn sure I'll return the favor
Check out the kid...
To brighten my day, Mr. Dylan Dilinjah left a comment on the myspace about the blog!
He supports!
Him and I go back like Nike Airs and White tees but still, you support and advertise me, make damn sure I'll return the favor
Check out the kid...
Dream Cloud
Ok, the blog virus has caught....another friend of mine, LibraDreamer has made her black ass present on blogspot *applause*, I'm not providing the link for you guys like I did JaxPoetic (see link list) because LibraDreamer is exclusive 40-40 status invite BITCHES! And I'm on the mothafuckin guestlist hos...
Ok...maybe I got slightly over hype over that...
Dreams is definitely the topic of the morning. I awoke this morning (the second time) to see the LibraDreamer invite to her blog entitled "My Dream Cloud"...
Let's talk about about mine...I feel that maybe I'm not on a cloud, that maybe I slept on a bed of knives last night...
I was overcome by exhaustion last night. The night prior the significant other had spent the night and retaliated rejecting me for sex in which involved me sleeping a grand total of 2 1/2 hours. The New Jack was disgustingly groggy and sluggish for the entire day. My head hit the pillow and I didn't remember falling asleep.
Then I entered the dream....
For all who don't know, I'm on probation until October of 2008. I had a dream that I was driving a small car, maybe a Jetta or Saturn and I was driving on Avenue H in Brooklyn. On approaching the traffic light at Avenue H and Utica right along side the drivethru of the Mcdonalds I had a red light but my wheels rolled over into the pedestrian crossing NEARLY but NOT striking the pedestrian that was crossing. An officer flashed his lights obviously about to ticket me for something that actually my significant got ticketed for: "Failure to yield to a pedstrian". In the process of writing my ticket, he's running my license to see that I have no traffic violations whatsoever BUT that I'm on probation. He arrests me. My father and another woman that I don't know is in the car, freaking out not understanding how the situation went from a ticket to an arrest.
My parents, my fathers brothers and sisters, my dead grandmother and my mothers 2 sisters meet me at the precinct. This precinct was the Lincoln memorial, where I was surrounded by white officers only. The only minorities at the entire site was my family and I. When my family found out about the probation and nature of the arrest, and that by dream me now acquiring a traffic violation I violated parole they scolded me and then LEFT me there. They had no intention of paying my bail, they specifically told these white officers to keep me there until further notice.
With no notification somehow, my Significant knew what was going on. Hours later of dream me sitting in an interrogation room cuffed to the chair, my door flew open. The Significant started picking the lock on my cuffs and cops ran in after him. He told them to open the duffel bag that was on the table in front of me. They did to see what appeared to be thousands of dollars which was equivalent to my bail. He got me uncuffed, and the officers examining the money didn't advance and let him release me. He kissed my forehead and told me that he wasn't going to let anything happen to me.
***here is where dreams become reality****
The panic attack I had in the Significant's arms when I was released in actuality the attack I was having in my sleep.
I couldn't breathe. I was breathing, but no air was coming into my lungs as if they wouldn't fill up with air. My neck and head had shooting pains. I was HOT, everywhere but my hands were cold. I couldn't swallow, I couldn't talk if I needed to get help. This happened within the hour of 4 a.m. in which I didn't get my body to calm down until just after 5. It is now in the 10 o'clock hour and my body is still tight. My leg muscles, the muscles in my neck and shoulders are all tight.
Anybody as afraid to nap as I officially am?
Ok...maybe I got slightly over hype over that...
Dreams is definitely the topic of the morning. I awoke this morning (the second time) to see the LibraDreamer invite to her blog entitled "My Dream Cloud"...
Let's talk about about mine...I feel that maybe I'm not on a cloud, that maybe I slept on a bed of knives last night...
I was overcome by exhaustion last night. The night prior the significant other had spent the night and retaliated rejecting me for sex in which involved me sleeping a grand total of 2 1/2 hours. The New Jack was disgustingly groggy and sluggish for the entire day. My head hit the pillow and I didn't remember falling asleep.
Then I entered the dream....
For all who don't know, I'm on probation until October of 2008. I had a dream that I was driving a small car, maybe a Jetta or Saturn and I was driving on Avenue H in Brooklyn. On approaching the traffic light at Avenue H and Utica right along side the drivethru of the Mcdonalds I had a red light but my wheels rolled over into the pedestrian crossing NEARLY but NOT striking the pedestrian that was crossing. An officer flashed his lights obviously about to ticket me for something that actually my significant got ticketed for: "Failure to yield to a pedstrian". In the process of writing my ticket, he's running my license to see that I have no traffic violations whatsoever BUT that I'm on probation. He arrests me. My father and another woman that I don't know is in the car, freaking out not understanding how the situation went from a ticket to an arrest.
My parents, my fathers brothers and sisters, my dead grandmother and my mothers 2 sisters meet me at the precinct. This precinct was the Lincoln memorial, where I was surrounded by white officers only. The only minorities at the entire site was my family and I. When my family found out about the probation and nature of the arrest, and that by dream me now acquiring a traffic violation I violated parole they scolded me and then LEFT me there. They had no intention of paying my bail, they specifically told these white officers to keep me there until further notice.
With no notification somehow, my Significant knew what was going on. Hours later of dream me sitting in an interrogation room cuffed to the chair, my door flew open. The Significant started picking the lock on my cuffs and cops ran in after him. He told them to open the duffel bag that was on the table in front of me. They did to see what appeared to be thousands of dollars which was equivalent to my bail. He got me uncuffed, and the officers examining the money didn't advance and let him release me. He kissed my forehead and told me that he wasn't going to let anything happen to me.
***here is where dreams become reality****
The panic attack I had in the Significant's arms when I was released in actuality the attack I was having in my sleep.
I couldn't breathe. I was breathing, but no air was coming into my lungs as if they wouldn't fill up with air. My neck and head had shooting pains. I was HOT, everywhere but my hands were cold. I couldn't swallow, I couldn't talk if I needed to get help. This happened within the hour of 4 a.m. in which I didn't get my body to calm down until just after 5. It is now in the 10 o'clock hour and my body is still tight. My leg muscles, the muscles in my neck and shoulders are all tight.
Anybody as afraid to nap as I officially am?
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
World Music Awards 2007
If you aren't watching it...
It's airing now, between 8 and 10 pm on My 9 in New York..
Rihanna looked great, singing sucked...
Avril looked horrible, but sounded good
Rihanna did Umbrella of course, and Avril did my favorite song, Hot.
More at: WorldMusicAwards
Ciara wore a dress that fashionista sites had hungrily posted long ago..she got heat from them, I personally think I love the dress..
take a look at the site for the dress in the Gallery..both her and Rihanna especially looked uber fierce on the red carpet..
It just irritates me deep inside, if I were to EVER get my voice anywhere near on par as it used to be, I would have a deal because Rihanna doing NOTHING stresses me out incessantly. It's all good though kids...
The entire Rihanna gallery from the awards show: RihannaWorldMusic2007
Soon to be the NEXT and LAST big thing...
It's airing now, between 8 and 10 pm on My 9 in New York..
Rihanna looked great, singing sucked...
Avril looked horrible, but sounded good
Rihanna did Umbrella of course, and Avril did my favorite song, Hot.
More at: WorldMusicAwards
Ciara wore a dress that fashionista sites had hungrily posted long ago..she got heat from them, I personally think I love the dress..
take a look at the site for the dress in the Gallery..both her and Rihanna especially looked uber fierce on the red carpet..
It just irritates me deep inside, if I were to EVER get my voice anywhere near on par as it used to be, I would have a deal because Rihanna doing NOTHING stresses me out incessantly. It's all good though kids...
The entire Rihanna gallery from the awards show: RihannaWorldMusic2007
Soon to be the NEXT and LAST big thing...
Babies=Gucci
Does anyone get it but me?
Babies are apparently the biggest trend on the friggin block, they must me equivalent to Gucci bags or new shoes from my own darling, Cavalli.
Babies=Live Gucci Bags
view the equation:
Baby:
Gucci Winter 2007 bags (courtesy of Nicebargain.blogspot.com):
Get yourself one while you can still get knocked up!
Jamie-Lynn Spears and friggin Lily Allen are BOTH pregnant.
This adds the list of:
Angelina Jolie started collecting babies like collector's baseball cards and everyone else (**Madonna) starts flying their asses to Africa and the Middle East to pick out a custom bag, umm, baby of their own.
Do people understand that babies are ALIVE? These poor defenseless humans are so impressionable, and they're going to grow up and destroy the world because they are receiving the most possible neglect in the world. It's so FUNNY that the richest people are going to have the most mentally distraught children.
I mean...I'm not so much about Gucci...I'm a HUGE Cavalli fan....
Worse so, Dior...
and the latest Jimmy Choo's..are cute in COLOR but the structure isn't stellar..
I mean..I'm sorry, this is a celebrity trend I intend to EVADE at all costs. I mean AMERICA, raw sex=fabulosity BUT my goodness there are so many inventions: The Pill, Depo etc.
Maybe that's because in order to stay FIERCE for the rest of my life, I'll be making DAMN sure that I won't be having any new Gucci bags...during...or after the trend...
Babies are apparently the biggest trend on the friggin block, they must me equivalent to Gucci bags or new shoes from my own darling, Cavalli.
Babies=Live Gucci Bags
view the equation:
Baby:
Gucci Winter 2007 bags (courtesy of Nicebargain.blogspot.com):
Get yourself one while you can still get knocked up!
Jamie-Lynn Spears and friggin Lily Allen are BOTH pregnant.
This adds the list of:- Halle Berry
- Christina Aguilera
- Jessica Alba
- Every woman in Hollywood besides Amy Winehouse cause she's too drugged up to conceive...and Blake is still imprisoned right? (Loving the drunk Brits!)
Angelina Jolie started collecting babies like collector's baseball cards and everyone else (**Madonna) starts flying their asses to Africa and the Middle East to pick out a custom bag, umm, baby of their own.
Do people understand that babies are ALIVE? These poor defenseless humans are so impressionable, and they're going to grow up and destroy the world because they are receiving the most possible neglect in the world. It's so FUNNY that the richest people are going to have the most mentally distraught children.
I mean...I'm not so much about Gucci...I'm a HUGE Cavalli fan....
Worse so, Dior...
and the latest Jimmy Choo's..are cute in COLOR but the structure isn't stellar..
I mean..I'm sorry, this is a celebrity trend I intend to EVADE at all costs. I mean AMERICA, raw sex=fabulosity BUT my goodness there are so many inventions: The Pill, Depo etc.
Maybe that's because in order to stay FIERCE for the rest of my life, I'll be making DAMN sure that I won't be having any new Gucci bags...during...or after the trend...
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Miss Cuervo....
She chose a boy............
I'm definitely shocked outta my mind...
I swore to DEATH ask anyone who asked me I would battle to the death that as much as I LOVED Bobby the broad was gonna pick Dani...
She totally gave up the punani....
Yo, Dani's lil face was so sad when Tila picked Bobby. It broke my heart to see her so sad, cause even though it's garbage reality TV, I felt her sadness. Tila really looked like she was going to pick her and hyped the girl up to smash her ass down.
I can't get the lil slow mo of her sad lil face in my mind....awwww....
I mean....and could they NOT play "How to Save a Life"..to make it anyMORE depressing??
Well to Bobby...your sex life is officially fabulous...
I'm definitely shocked outta my mind...
I swore to DEATH ask anyone who asked me I would battle to the death that as much as I LOVED Bobby the broad was gonna pick Dani...
She totally gave up the punani....
Yo, Dani's lil face was so sad when Tila picked Bobby. It broke my heart to see her so sad, cause even though it's garbage reality TV, I felt her sadness. Tila really looked like she was going to pick her and hyped the girl up to smash her ass down.
I can't get the lil slow mo of her sad lil face in my mind....awwww....
I mean....and could they NOT play "How to Save a Life"..to make it anyMORE depressing??Well to Bobby...your sex life is officially fabulous...
Urban Curves
As per my last post....
It seems I'll be dealing with the crackhead known as Billy Blanks a lot more than I intended to...
Urban Curves Magazine has responded to me...
Here is what an Urban Curve Mag cover looks like....
Tae-Bo anyone?
Just at the mere fact that they'll "be in touch" means I can FEEL the stomach cramps from the amount of crunches I'll be doing before the "I love New York 2" Finale..
To see more...ummmm, Tae-Bo formed bodies, feel free and horny to click here
It seems I'll be dealing with the crackhead known as Billy Blanks a lot more than I intended to...
Urban Curves Magazine has responded to me...
Here is what an Urban Curve Mag cover looks like....
Tae-Bo anyone?
Just at the mere fact that they'll "be in touch" means I can FEEL the stomach cramps from the amount of crunches I'll be doing before the "I love New York 2" Finale..
To see more...ummmm, Tae-Bo formed bodies, feel free and horny to click here
Just Fine..or Semi-Ok
I wish my life was just damn fine...
Mary did a nice performance yesterday on 106&Hood, I mean...Park...
Wasn't a fan of the mom jeans, BUT liked the Rihanna-like hair cut and her boots. We all just love Mary don't we? Well, minus my BFF..
My life is...semi-ok, certainly not fine when you're unemployed...
I got the civil suit homies to agree to very, VERY mini payments so they don't take my ass to court. The Significant will be paying my criminal charge fine, and the civil suit total is $400 for anyone who FORGOT, starting with a payment of $30 on Friday.
I did 2 days worth of temp work last week, when the taxes come out of it,and I pay the civil $30, and give some portion to Verizon Wireless, my checking account balance will still be under $20. That's U.S. dollars darlings, not Pesos, not Jamaican dollars....
Just as important...what are people's plans for New Years? I mean, can someone PLEASE feel free to comment as to what spots you know will be providing fabulosity at a DECENT price so The New Jack can party too? I mean, lets please bare in mind, The New Jack is unemployed....
The Significant sounded as if he held plans for us both...but based on our extremely, extremely odd talking status..I think its better safe than sorry that I create some New Years back up plans.
Donations for a weave to rock for New Years are accepted..Cash, Check and Wamu Transfers...
Along with the New Years transformation, The New Jack has lost 7lbs. The question is, FROM WHERE? The CHEST, WAIST and HIP measurements are pretty much the same. I need this WAIST number to friggin budge...that WOULD be nice. Especially, for the ideas of what I want to wear on New Years...I've gotta be fierce. I began the Tae-Bo regimen last night, strictly for this godforsaken waist number. I was in a shitload of pain, and Billy Blanks is a crackhead that's why he FEELS nothing when he's telling you how much "you can do it".
Sure I can.....sniff, sniff, wipe?
Here's today's astro overview:
Mixed cosmic signals continue to dominate the landscape today as the impulsive Aries Moon tempts us to express our feelings while energetic Mars in retrograde wants us to be more passive. We want to be excited as pleasure-seeking Venus harmonizes with electric Uranus. But it is expansive Jupiter's entry into ambitious Capricorn -- where it stays for a year -- that adds a cautious optimism to the buzz. Moving slowly with determination makes sense now. Lifescript
And if you want your horoscope, click here
but here is todays Aries horoscope naturally because the Significant and I are both Aries...
Although all systems seem to be "go," you aren't quite sure where you are heading. It's not that you are lost; you just want to take more time to make big plans, rather than jumping in and figuring out what to do as you are doing it. Even if this is a bit of a change, a more structured approach to your career will be good for you. Lifescript
Well, I sure as hell don't know where I'm heading with the Significant or a damn job...kudos to Lifescript.
Mary did a nice performance yesterday on 106&Hood, I mean...Park...
Wasn't a fan of the mom jeans, BUT liked the Rihanna-like hair cut and her boots. We all just love Mary don't we? Well, minus my BFF..
My life is...semi-ok, certainly not fine when you're unemployed...
I got the civil suit homies to agree to very, VERY mini payments so they don't take my ass to court. The Significant will be paying my criminal charge fine, and the civil suit total is $400 for anyone who FORGOT, starting with a payment of $30 on Friday.
I did 2 days worth of temp work last week, when the taxes come out of it,and I pay the civil $30, and give some portion to Verizon Wireless, my checking account balance will still be under $20. That's U.S. dollars darlings, not Pesos, not Jamaican dollars....
Just as important...what are people's plans for New Years? I mean, can someone PLEASE feel free to comment as to what spots you know will be providing fabulosity at a DECENT price so The New Jack can party too? I mean, lets please bare in mind, The New Jack is unemployed....
The Significant sounded as if he held plans for us both...but based on our extremely, extremely odd talking status..I think its better safe than sorry that I create some New Years back up plans.
Donations for a weave to rock for New Years are accepted..Cash, Check and Wamu Transfers...
Along with the New Years transformation, The New Jack has lost 7lbs. The question is, FROM WHERE? The CHEST, WAIST and HIP measurements are pretty much the same. I need this WAIST number to friggin budge...that WOULD be nice. Especially, for the ideas of what I want to wear on New Years...I've gotta be fierce. I began the Tae-Bo regimen last night, strictly for this godforsaken waist number. I was in a shitload of pain, and Billy Blanks is a crackhead that's why he FEELS nothing when he's telling you how much "you can do it".
Sure I can.....sniff, sniff, wipe?
Here's today's astro overview:
Mixed cosmic signals continue to dominate the landscape today as the impulsive Aries Moon tempts us to express our feelings while energetic Mars in retrograde wants us to be more passive. We want to be excited as pleasure-seeking Venus harmonizes with electric Uranus. But it is expansive Jupiter's entry into ambitious Capricorn -- where it stays for a year -- that adds a cautious optimism to the buzz. Moving slowly with determination makes sense now. Lifescript
And if you want your horoscope, click here
but here is todays Aries horoscope naturally because the Significant and I are both Aries...
Although all systems seem to be "go," you aren't quite sure where you are heading. It's not that you are lost; you just want to take more time to make big plans, rather than jumping in and figuring out what to do as you are doing it. Even if this is a bit of a change, a more structured approach to your career will be good for you. Lifescript
Well, I sure as hell don't know where I'm heading with the Significant or a damn job...kudos to Lifescript.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Music Monday
New and Recent music videos for you this Monday that have pretty much just dropped:
The Dream: Falsetto
Keyshia Cole:I remember
Tyra B: Givin Me A Rush
Amerie: Gotta Work
Chingy f/Amerie: Fly Like Me
J. Holiday: Suffocate
Lupe Fiasco: Superstar
Cherri Dennis f/Gorilla Zoe and Yung Joc: Portrait of Love
Styles P f/ Swizz Beatz:Blow Your Mind
The Dream: Falsetto
Keyshia Cole:I remember
Tyra B: Givin Me A Rush
Amerie: Gotta Work
Chingy f/Amerie: Fly Like Me
J. Holiday: Suffocate
Lupe Fiasco: Superstar
Cherri Dennis f/Gorilla Zoe and Yung Joc: Portrait of Love
Styles P f/ Swizz Beatz:Blow Your Mind
Back To Black
Man....when sex....hurts feelings....
After the EXplosion by the significant on Saturday night, thoroughly defeated I couldn't continue to pretend as if I wasn't hurting. I just truly wish, people would not bottle up their feelings. He called on Sunday morning, maybe around the third time still early morning he took it upon himself to apologize about the chain of events. This sparked a 2 hour calm conversation, but was ended abruptly because both parties were still tired. I saw the significant later on that night, and the potential awkwardness that was GOING to very present was dismissed thank God by his cousin Cam.
When you get close to Cam, he truly is in the top 5 of the most hilarious people I know. I have no idea if the significant gave him warning about what our situation was but he definitely and quite effortlessly provided distraction.
During the game, the significant and I became comfortable and a lot more friendly...but let's fast forward...
After several expeditions, that involved the significant driving from 7pm straight up until 12:45am he came back to crash my place. We slept, but knew he wouldn't be staying long because he had to be on LIRR for work. I'm all about make up sex, but does make up sex count as make up sex, if the problem was never SOLVED? I rejected the significant. I just want some blatant insight.
Is sex used as a tool to make up with someone because they don't want to use the WORDS to apologize? Or is it used out of fear of apologizing, like an indirect way of trying to not be vulnerable? Or is it just that plain simple, "I'm sorry, let's have sex".
Something for you people to ponder.........
Or is the person already vulnerable so they turn to sex as an expression of feelings?
...I have such a headache...and the pulled muscle in my neck is definitely still here in full force...
I'm someone who is very used to the "art" of rejection. I'm the one usually getting rejected that is. Therefore, I feel remorse when I reject others, knowing EXACTLY what is coursing through their thoughts. I mean, I usually fear that in times like this, when one party feels thoroughly rejected enough that they turn to SOMEONE ELSE who they feel WONT reject them. I've wanted to cheat because I've felt so rejected by some men I've dated, and I've first hand experienced men cheating on me because I've rejected them in some fashion.
It all seems like it could be so simple, but it's obviously not in my tired brain...
Should you just have make up sex even though you two never TRULY made up?
After the EXplosion by the significant on Saturday night, thoroughly defeated I couldn't continue to pretend as if I wasn't hurting. I just truly wish, people would not bottle up their feelings. He called on Sunday morning, maybe around the third time still early morning he took it upon himself to apologize about the chain of events. This sparked a 2 hour calm conversation, but was ended abruptly because both parties were still tired. I saw the significant later on that night, and the potential awkwardness that was GOING to very present was dismissed thank God by his cousin Cam.
When you get close to Cam, he truly is in the top 5 of the most hilarious people I know. I have no idea if the significant gave him warning about what our situation was but he definitely and quite effortlessly provided distraction.
During the game, the significant and I became comfortable and a lot more friendly...but let's fast forward...
After several expeditions, that involved the significant driving from 7pm straight up until 12:45am he came back to crash my place. We slept, but knew he wouldn't be staying long because he had to be on LIRR for work. I'm all about make up sex, but does make up sex count as make up sex, if the problem was never SOLVED? I rejected the significant. I just want some blatant insight.
Is sex used as a tool to make up with someone because they don't want to use the WORDS to apologize? Or is it used out of fear of apologizing, like an indirect way of trying to not be vulnerable? Or is it just that plain simple, "I'm sorry, let's have sex".
Something for you people to ponder.........
Or is the person already vulnerable so they turn to sex as an expression of feelings?
...I have such a headache...and the pulled muscle in my neck is definitely still here in full force...
I'm someone who is very used to the "art" of rejection. I'm the one usually getting rejected that is. Therefore, I feel remorse when I reject others, knowing EXACTLY what is coursing through their thoughts. I mean, I usually fear that in times like this, when one party feels thoroughly rejected enough that they turn to SOMEONE ELSE who they feel WONT reject them. I've wanted to cheat because I've felt so rejected by some men I've dated, and I've first hand experienced men cheating on me because I've rejected them in some fashion.
It all seems like it could be so simple, but it's obviously not in my tired brain...
Should you just have make up sex even though you two never TRULY made up?
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Problem Solver...or Causer..
In random news....
I was on Myspace, and there definitely as always is a more uncut version of every video. I thought the "Body" video I already posted was the uncut,because that is NOT the version played on TV. Well, Ja of course found it necessary to make it a little more uncut. This version includes a lot more ass, some ass clapping, and a dark skinned girl (T-Pain's "Bartender") completely topless towards the beginning. There are definitely some nipple flashes...
So, enjoy?
I'm in a dead mood.
After what I thought was going to be a successful break the significant and I came to another outburst last night. I have discovered that there are a lot of deep rooted feelings towards me that will NOT be expressed by him under any circumstances. That's what 2 hours of silence means. It means, I ask questions and they are left unanswered in a car/outside in last night's fabulous storm as if I were conversing with a dead body. When someone holds their feelings bottled up inside, especially in a car trying to evade confrontation that is in their face, the resultant is an explosion. I personally, don't see the point in bottling up my feelings in general especially when someone I care about is involved. I don't bite my tongue for anyone. Especially when that was NEVER my ways, and I had to do so for years for my ex Steven who wanted me to be an obedient slave.
I'm very free from that lifestyle now bitches.
There is truly, truly in most circumstances no point in one to bottle their feelings up. 97.486% of the time that I interact with ANYONE that bottles their feelings up, the result is an explosion. Whether they actually EXplode and freak out and scream etc or IMplode and have a fucking Mariah Carey style breakdown, I'm not sure which is more favorable....
I have several friends that IMplode...Implosions make me EXTREMELY nervous. I wind up at a complete loss of how to care for the now mentally unstable person, that I desperately WANT to care for. It's very confusing, stressful and just plain out of control. There is a lot of detective work involved trying to decipher what is going on the now "collapsed" brain.
I date someone, have a younger brother and very,very few friends that EXplode. My younger brother and significant being the best of examples, will NOT under any circumstances tell you how they REALLY feel about something until it has boiled 400 times over, their body temperature is equivalent to that of goddamn heated Jet fuel. These type of arguments usually leave Me (problem solver/aggressor) in the ending state of Victim. The problem solver is usually redirected as an aggressor/problem causer/stress factor when the problem solver, is trying to...well, solve the problem. The problem holder (in this example, Denzel and Matt) usually takes silence as a route through the majority of the conversation and then in efforts to END the conversation, react with an outburst. Basically, this was my efforts in updating my current health status, which is:
I was on Myspace, and there definitely as always is a more uncut version of every video. I thought the "Body" video I already posted was the uncut,because that is NOT the version played on TV. Well, Ja of course found it necessary to make it a little more uncut. This version includes a lot more ass, some ass clapping, and a dark skinned girl (T-Pain's "Bartender") completely topless towards the beginning. There are definitely some nipple flashes...
So, enjoy?
I'm in a dead mood.
After what I thought was going to be a successful break the significant and I came to another outburst last night. I have discovered that there are a lot of deep rooted feelings towards me that will NOT be expressed by him under any circumstances. That's what 2 hours of silence means. It means, I ask questions and they are left unanswered in a car/outside in last night's fabulous storm as if I were conversing with a dead body. When someone holds their feelings bottled up inside, especially in a car trying to evade confrontation that is in their face, the resultant is an explosion. I personally, don't see the point in bottling up my feelings in general especially when someone I care about is involved. I don't bite my tongue for anyone. Especially when that was NEVER my ways, and I had to do so for years for my ex Steven who wanted me to be an obedient slave.
I'm very free from that lifestyle now bitches.
There is truly, truly in most circumstances no point in one to bottle their feelings up. 97.486% of the time that I interact with ANYONE that bottles their feelings up, the result is an explosion. Whether they actually EXplode and freak out and scream etc or IMplode and have a fucking Mariah Carey style breakdown, I'm not sure which is more favorable....
I have several friends that IMplode...Implosions make me EXTREMELY nervous. I wind up at a complete loss of how to care for the now mentally unstable person, that I desperately WANT to care for. It's very confusing, stressful and just plain out of control. There is a lot of detective work involved trying to decipher what is going on the now "collapsed" brain.
I date someone, have a younger brother and very,very few friends that EXplode. My younger brother and significant being the best of examples, will NOT under any circumstances tell you how they REALLY feel about something until it has boiled 400 times over, their body temperature is equivalent to that of goddamn heated Jet fuel. These type of arguments usually leave Me (problem solver/aggressor) in the ending state of Victim. The problem solver is usually redirected as an aggressor/problem causer/stress factor when the problem solver, is trying to...well, solve the problem. The problem holder (in this example, Denzel and Matt) usually takes silence as a route through the majority of the conversation and then in efforts to END the conversation, react with an outburst. Basically, this was my efforts in updating my current health status, which is:
- not breathing
- sneezing
- congestion extremes
- difficulty swallow
- popping in my ears
- dehydration: especially of the eyes, lips and throat
- on and off headache
- the arrival of my period
- cramps
- fatigue
- unexpected outbursts of emotion due to hormone imbalances
- pulled neck muscle (carrying body style bags, messenger style-restricts turning quickly, laying on my back, looking upwards too far past eye level, sharp pains within the neck and shoulder blades)
- weight gain due to "period comfort food" (chips, Wendys, LOTS of cake intake, Chinese food, soda etc)
Saturday, December 15, 2007
A New Jack Christmas 2
Ok, here we go kids....
Gift cards:
Besos!
Gift cards:
- Macy's
- Wetseal
- Forever 21
- Urban Outfitters
- Target
- American Express gift card (can be spent anywhere!)
- Steve and Barry's
- Bakers shoes
- M.A.C store
- Sephora
- Charlotte Russe
- Wireless controller, preferably the pink one
- wireless network adapter
- Cooling tray
- Gift cards to: best buy, circuit city and sears where 360 games/accessories can be purchased
- **Case for my PSP, games/accessories for that also welcome
- Size 8 in womens
- Size 6 1/2 boys sneakers
- Paying bills: court fines, Verizon wireless, Life, etc
- Buying hair/Weave installation fees
- LIRR fares
Besos!
Friday, December 14, 2007
Crank That New Jack
As per the last post............
(Crank That) Homeless Man:
Please....just don't get Oprah about it, and about our African American culture...and just enjoy it...
(Crank That) Grandpa is a billion more times entertaining in my opinion, especially with the entry of the kid w/ the grill in in his mouth IN a wheelchair..
The second part of this video of "Grandpa" has a WHITE baby walking through the performance, totally unannounced and it is HILARIOUS..the baby walks across twice:
(Crank That) Homeless Man:
Please....just don't get Oprah about it, and about our African American culture...and just enjoy it...
(Crank That) Grandpa is a billion more times entertaining in my opinion, especially with the entry of the kid w/ the grill in in his mouth IN a wheelchair..
The second part of this video of "Grandpa" has a WHITE baby walking through the performance, totally unannounced and it is HILARIOUS..the baby walks across twice:
Gossip Girl 2
I'm back on the Island...
accompanied by a monstrous headache, and cold...
Thank you temp job for making me CARRY mail to the post office in yesterday's blizzard because you only are a major company and thought it was better for the temp to do it,as opposed to the BIKE MESSENGERS which get paid to do these things....
Thanks dearest.
My temp job went....swell?
I originally was scheduled to bang out an 18-hour check. Let me explain how the 18 dwindles.
I was scheduled to work Wednesday and Thursday, for 9 hours. The agency called and said both Lindsay (the coolest temp ever) and myself will have 2 hours deleted from our check because the company has decided they don't need us as yet. I'm now down to 16 HOURS. From 16 hours, in a huge 300-style fight, my parents see it fit to argue in the kitchen to an extent that I MISS the LIRR. For anyone who doesn't know how LIRR (see New Jack Diction) works, if you miss ONE train, you're anally raped for the next hour. This my friends, made me approximately one hour late to work.
Keep count, now we're at 15....
In order to salvage the check, I went on the Mary-Kate Olsen diet which consists of not consuming food, but in my case the absence of cocaine abuse. I took only a 15 minute lunch break from both days for a total of an additional 30 minutes to be deducted from my check.
14.5.....
Finally, the company ran out of things for Lindsay and I to do, sending us home approximately, a half hour early on Wednesday.
Grand total: 14 hours. Profit status: Homeless.
Ironically, for my profit status, a "(Crank That)Homeless Man" has been released. More so my favorite, "(Crank That) Grandpa". I do the "Grandpa" very well might I add.
So I'm back on Long Island, poorer than I was two days ago, along with what will by day's ending be the flu or pneumonia.
In happier news, I'm the last person I'm sure, to be reporting that Alba is preggars! They're so cute and happy...hell I want to be as happy as she is...MINUS the baby situation.
Babies are cute, but they grow into children. Children=Satan which is directly equivalent to DEATH.
Does anyone remember this overly fierce attire?
well......
Apparently my darling Xtina cannot keep herself away from shopping...she's such a cute blimp. Why is she out and about??
These pictures came courtesy of the fabulous, Pro Image Gallery
They too are another Blogspot user, so for more photos hit them up!
accompanied by a monstrous headache, and cold...
Thank you temp job for making me CARRY mail to the post office in yesterday's blizzard because you only are a major company and thought it was better for the temp to do it,as opposed to the BIKE MESSENGERS which get paid to do these things....
Thanks dearest.
My temp job went....swell?
I originally was scheduled to bang out an 18-hour check. Let me explain how the 18 dwindles.
I was scheduled to work Wednesday and Thursday, for 9 hours. The agency called and said both Lindsay (the coolest temp ever) and myself will have 2 hours deleted from our check because the company has decided they don't need us as yet. I'm now down to 16 HOURS. From 16 hours, in a huge 300-style fight, my parents see it fit to argue in the kitchen to an extent that I MISS the LIRR. For anyone who doesn't know how LIRR (see New Jack Diction) works, if you miss ONE train, you're anally raped for the next hour. This my friends, made me approximately one hour late to work.
Keep count, now we're at 15....
In order to salvage the check, I went on the Mary-Kate Olsen diet which consists of not consuming food, but in my case the absence of cocaine abuse. I took only a 15 minute lunch break from both days for a total of an additional 30 minutes to be deducted from my check.
14.5.....
Finally, the company ran out of things for Lindsay and I to do, sending us home approximately, a half hour early on Wednesday.
Grand total: 14 hours. Profit status: Homeless.
Ironically, for my profit status, a "(Crank That)Homeless Man" has been released. More so my favorite, "(Crank That) Grandpa". I do the "Grandpa" very well might I add.
So I'm back on Long Island, poorer than I was two days ago, along with what will by day's ending be the flu or pneumonia.
In happier news, I'm the last person I'm sure, to be reporting that Alba is preggars! They're so cute and happy...hell I want to be as happy as she is...MINUS the baby situation.
Babies are cute, but they grow into children. Children=Satan which is directly equivalent to DEATH.
Does anyone remember this overly fierce attire?
well......
Apparently my darling Xtina cannot keep herself away from shopping...she's such a cute blimp. Why is she out and about??
These pictures came courtesy of the fabulous, Pro Image GalleryThey too are another Blogspot user, so for more photos hit them up!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Its ME Snitches....
After days of no internet (hence no entries), a rough Friday and Saturday...I have recovered and I'm back bitches...
It feels nice...
Slight headache of the moment but that aside, when is the last time I wrote? Friday? Saturday? And today is Tuesday right?
Moving along...
VH1 is going to drop their top 40 of 2007 countdown tonight at 10/9 central for any of you people interested.
There's a new video from Chrisette Michele, more on that soon...caught the ending glimpse of the video debuting on VH1 Soul, which was looking cute from what I saw..Her album has been in stores, people seemed content with the content..
Releases:
Glamour Magazine: Carrie Underwood is the cover girl. They have UPDATED MY favorite part of the magazine: "Jake: A Man's Opinion". Now for those who don't know, "Jake" is synonymous with "John Doe". "Jake" who's real name is Michael Sommerville, writes every month about his escapades dealing with women. He gives both sexes things to ponder, but mainly women. Read his latest article: Jake on Moving In
They also gave the OLD Jake a column apparently, now that he's married to his long time girlfriend, "Orange Blossoms". He's giving his opinion and women insight as to what men are thinking once married. Read I was Jake, now I'm married
Ludacris: has a new video featuring Rick Ross and Bun B that I am NOT moved by. It's chopped and screwed and ....Georgia. *sigh* I hope none of my down south readers take offense to that. Please don't. I WISH I could...clarify on my thoughts, but I just can't. Sometimes the word, "Atlanta" just defines things for others. (Debuted on Sucker Free on MTV2)
You be the judge, just because I'm not moved doesn't mean you won't be:
Marie Claire: Unless, you're...dead or not concerned with pop culture, you should know by now that there are nudie pictures of Christina Aguilera for this months Marie Claire magazine. She's major pregnant. I'm not usually a Marie Claire supporter, but will be picking it up. Like I said, shes MAD pregnant: (click image to enlarge)
Allure Magazine: Fergie Ferg dons this months cover. She looks pretty fierce, duh. It's not like we were expecting much less. (Courtesy of ThePopCrunchShow)
I'll be on my best behavior for the rest of the week kids...
I promise...
It feels nice...
Slight headache of the moment but that aside, when is the last time I wrote? Friday? Saturday? And today is Tuesday right?
Moving along...
VH1 is going to drop their top 40 of 2007 countdown tonight at 10/9 central for any of you people interested.
There's a new video from Chrisette Michele, more on that soon...caught the ending glimpse of the video debuting on VH1 Soul, which was looking cute from what I saw..Her album has been in stores, people seemed content with the content..
Releases:
Glamour Magazine: Carrie Underwood is the cover girl. They have UPDATED MY favorite part of the magazine: "Jake: A Man's Opinion". Now for those who don't know, "Jake" is synonymous with "John Doe". "Jake" who's real name is Michael Sommerville, writes every month about his escapades dealing with women. He gives both sexes things to ponder, but mainly women. Read his latest article: Jake on Moving In
They also gave the OLD Jake a column apparently, now that he's married to his long time girlfriend, "Orange Blossoms". He's giving his opinion and women insight as to what men are thinking once married. Read I was Jake, now I'm married
Ludacris: has a new video featuring Rick Ross and Bun B that I am NOT moved by. It's chopped and screwed and ....Georgia. *sigh* I hope none of my down south readers take offense to that. Please don't. I WISH I could...clarify on my thoughts, but I just can't. Sometimes the word, "Atlanta" just defines things for others. (Debuted on Sucker Free on MTV2)
You be the judge, just because I'm not moved doesn't mean you won't be:
Marie Claire: Unless, you're...dead or not concerned with pop culture, you should know by now that there are nudie pictures of Christina Aguilera for this months Marie Claire magazine. She's major pregnant. I'm not usually a Marie Claire supporter, but will be picking it up. Like I said, shes MAD pregnant: (click image to enlarge)
Allure Magazine: Fergie Ferg dons this months cover. She looks pretty fierce, duh. It's not like we were expecting much less. (Courtesy of ThePopCrunchShow)
I'll be on my best behavior for the rest of the week kids...
I promise...
Friday, December 7, 2007
Leaving Him For Awhile
If you don't want to deal with true depression, feel free to scroll past this entry cause I'm currently too empty to give a fuck.
This is Summer Walker:
This is me:
I am Deidre Monique Henry.
I am a 21 year old college graduate of SUNY College at Oneonta. I have a bachelors of the arts degree and I am currently unemployed. I am struggling with my weight. I believe I am currently at 160 pounds and my measurements are 38 1/2-30-42. I used to have a 27 inch waist and a 40 inch hip. I am a resident of Suffolk County, Long Island. I was born native to the island of Jamaica, and was brought to Brooklyn, New York as a child. I have one sibling, a younger brother. My parents are not divorced. I have a tendency to keloid when scarred, therefore my ears are not pierced. This is inherited from my mother.
I never get the right man. I never win the raffles at parties. I'm usually somewhere in the last to know something. I always love the people who treat me bad and continuously display hope,love and affection in hopes they will CHANGE. Though when peeved I might be quick to cut OFF a friendship, I usually never give up on people. Never giving up people that I always NEEDED to give up on has repeatedly been my downfall. I was never the woman to have several female friends, women are very intimidated by me and are defensive and catty before they show me friendliness. I am never viewed by men as the one to have a relationship with, I am always viewed as the sexual object. The prize. Despite this, when viewed by women I am always one of two extremes, the uber cute one or the uber seductress that can possibly stir the waters between her and her boyfriend. I am thoroughly liked and I am simultaneously thoroughly hated. As a 21 year old, I have not indulged a quarter as much as I should have in the "party" life to "define" and announce to the world that indeed I am legal. I have past shoulder length, but very thin hair. This too is inherited from my mother and 12% Indian blood that runs in me. Occasionally, I miss college, the majority of the time, I do not.
As of today, I am on a break and borderline single with the person I was currently dating: W. Matthew Johns Jr. I have not cried, nor currently feel the desire to. He is not phased by my text message at nearly 1a.m. stating that we're on a break, I received a reply of "Fine, if that's what you want". He no longer cares. I was stood up last night by the person who was my boyfriend. He purposely ignored my calls and texts messages in efforts to reach him to see if he was still coming to see me. I was blamed for our break, when I was the person stood up last night and had her efforts of contact purposely ignored. I was told in reference to my anger of the situation, down right fucking annoyance and the choice to take a break from this person that, "That's messed up" In 19 months of dating this person, I've always said that nothing has changed, in actuality so much has changed that it is the direct source of our problems. I intend to not reach out to him in any form of communication whatsoever unless contacted FIRST for at least a minimum of one week. I will be utilizing this time in prayer for myself and currently more prominent situations and continuing my search for a job. I will be exercising thoroughly in order to bring my waist measurement back down an additional 3 inches. I hope he utilizes the time that I will not be speaking to him wisely. I hope that somehow, someway he may come to realization of what his life has become as a 25 year old. I hope that he realizes maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon that displacement of blame does nothing for him. I hope he realizes that he has taken no responsibility in his life for someone who shall turn 26 in under 5 months. I hope that it comes to him that he is truly responsible for the condition of his life and surroundings as they currently stand. I repeat, I hope this time is utilized wisely.
I can only hope.
I will be concentrating on myself as best I possibly can concentrate. I have repeated myself too many times to count in a duration of 19 months and at this point there is truly nothing else to say but utilize the time WISELY. THINK. UNDERSTAND. HAVE AN EPIPHANY. CHANGE FOR GOOD. BE RESPONSIBLE.
I'm used to never winning the prize. Not ever having the right man. Being the odd one out. Prior to high school the one boys always had to "take one for the team". I do not feel that I am a pretty woman. Men gravitate to me simply because of my physical endowments, not for my face or godforbid my personality. Since youth I have always wondered if I looked more like someone like: Summer Walker, would I NOT currently have the problems I've always had and have now? It's something that has plagued my mind since easily 7 years old, if I looked more like the women that were always favored and had NO problems in life because they're the "pretty ones" how much more simplistic would my life be? At 12, I began buying bleaching creams and lathering them on my entire body as if they were lotion. Of course, all in efforts to be lighter and "prettier". This isn't only skin deep.
I guess I'll never find out whether looking for like Summer will allow me to keep the men I fall in love with in this life.
This is Summer Walker:
This is me:
I am Deidre Monique Henry.
I am a 21 year old college graduate of SUNY College at Oneonta. I have a bachelors of the arts degree and I am currently unemployed. I am struggling with my weight. I believe I am currently at 160 pounds and my measurements are 38 1/2-30-42. I used to have a 27 inch waist and a 40 inch hip. I am a resident of Suffolk County, Long Island. I was born native to the island of Jamaica, and was brought to Brooklyn, New York as a child. I have one sibling, a younger brother. My parents are not divorced. I have a tendency to keloid when scarred, therefore my ears are not pierced. This is inherited from my mother.
I never get the right man. I never win the raffles at parties. I'm usually somewhere in the last to know something. I always love the people who treat me bad and continuously display hope,love and affection in hopes they will CHANGE. Though when peeved I might be quick to cut OFF a friendship, I usually never give up on people. Never giving up people that I always NEEDED to give up on has repeatedly been my downfall. I was never the woman to have several female friends, women are very intimidated by me and are defensive and catty before they show me friendliness. I am never viewed by men as the one to have a relationship with, I am always viewed as the sexual object. The prize. Despite this, when viewed by women I am always one of two extremes, the uber cute one or the uber seductress that can possibly stir the waters between her and her boyfriend. I am thoroughly liked and I am simultaneously thoroughly hated. As a 21 year old, I have not indulged a quarter as much as I should have in the "party" life to "define" and announce to the world that indeed I am legal. I have past shoulder length, but very thin hair. This too is inherited from my mother and 12% Indian blood that runs in me. Occasionally, I miss college, the majority of the time, I do not.
As of today, I am on a break and borderline single with the person I was currently dating: W. Matthew Johns Jr. I have not cried, nor currently feel the desire to. He is not phased by my text message at nearly 1a.m. stating that we're on a break, I received a reply of "Fine, if that's what you want". He no longer cares. I was stood up last night by the person who was my boyfriend. He purposely ignored my calls and texts messages in efforts to reach him to see if he was still coming to see me. I was blamed for our break, when I was the person stood up last night and had her efforts of contact purposely ignored. I was told in reference to my anger of the situation, down right fucking annoyance and the choice to take a break from this person that, "That's messed up" In 19 months of dating this person, I've always said that nothing has changed, in actuality so much has changed that it is the direct source of our problems. I intend to not reach out to him in any form of communication whatsoever unless contacted FIRST for at least a minimum of one week. I will be utilizing this time in prayer for myself and currently more prominent situations and continuing my search for a job. I will be exercising thoroughly in order to bring my waist measurement back down an additional 3 inches. I hope he utilizes the time that I will not be speaking to him wisely. I hope that somehow, someway he may come to realization of what his life has become as a 25 year old. I hope that he realizes maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon that displacement of blame does nothing for him. I hope he realizes that he has taken no responsibility in his life for someone who shall turn 26 in under 5 months. I hope that it comes to him that he is truly responsible for the condition of his life and surroundings as they currently stand. I repeat, I hope this time is utilized wisely.
I can only hope.
I will be concentrating on myself as best I possibly can concentrate. I have repeated myself too many times to count in a duration of 19 months and at this point there is truly nothing else to say but utilize the time WISELY. THINK. UNDERSTAND. HAVE AN EPIPHANY. CHANGE FOR GOOD. BE RESPONSIBLE.
I'm used to never winning the prize. Not ever having the right man. Being the odd one out. Prior to high school the one boys always had to "take one for the team". I do not feel that I am a pretty woman. Men gravitate to me simply because of my physical endowments, not for my face or godforbid my personality. Since youth I have always wondered if I looked more like someone like: Summer Walker, would I NOT currently have the problems I've always had and have now? It's something that has plagued my mind since easily 7 years old, if I looked more like the women that were always favored and had NO problems in life because they're the "pretty ones" how much more simplistic would my life be? At 12, I began buying bleaching creams and lathering them on my entire body as if they were lotion. Of course, all in efforts to be lighter and "prettier". This isn't only skin deep.
I guess I'll never find out whether looking for like Summer will allow me to keep the men I fall in love with in this life.
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