Saturday, December 22, 2007


I feel like I need to step my game up...
Well, I don't feel like it, I more so know...unemployment is a bitch, but in part someone who found it so easy to get a job in the past can't get a job now maybe with reason.

For awhile now, I've felt that to an extent this might just be a part of God's plan. If I had a full time job, with the things I TRULY want to accomplish, there's no way in hell it could possibly happen with such a major 40hrs/week obligation. Even though my body isn't 100% the fire it used to be, I have the TIME needed to correct it, go on photo shoots, "go-sees" and hopefully, record sometime soon.
I want to go back to what I was...and this....

is..close, but still "No Cigar"..
I saw the E! True Hollywood story of Christina Aguilera and as homosexual as it may sound, it was very inspirational. Someone whose outward appearance seems so carefree, but inside had a lot of struggle, strife and pain.

Here is the intro from her "Stripped" tour...when she finally let go of her demons and started doing things as she wanted to:

She was 22 when she was in this stage of her life...I'll be 22 in April. Something I've been in huge denial about. I've deeply felt like at 22 I'll be considered old and be looked upon with disdain for what I'm doing. I'm slowly realizing that I'm 21 turning 22 and I'll still be able to do whatever I want. I need to utilize this time. I know who I am and currently, I'm rebelling against the heat I've received about WHO I AM. Its something that has plagued my life for years on end, people being so not accepting of who I am, including boyfriends who have claimed to "love" me. Steven, if you "loved" me, you would have been able to accept me for who I am and not who you WANTED me to be. From childhood, I've always been ridiculed and stressed out because people have always insisted I "change", never specifying what to change INTO. I've lost boyfriends, I've lost friends, and recently lost family to being WHO I AM.
I've gotten a lot of heat for this blog.
I get a lot of heat for my photos.

I've gotten much praise and just as much heat. But, similar to Christina, this is my way of stripping myself down to people about what I want, believe in, stand for, choose to do etc. No one can do anything about it. You can love me for me or get fucking lost. Slowly, I'm feeling a lot freer. With every shoot, with every opportunity. Things are STILL rough for me, especially monetary wise but things are simultaneously turning around. That's because I'm not hiding anything. I'm not putting myself on a pedestal for people to expect things of me and we both suffer the disappointments.

I am who I am.
These days, I feel pretty damn good about it...

Ironically, it's good I blew off some of this steam here in the blog. Here's todays Aries horoscope:
Although you may be mentally agile today, you might also feel an irrepressible anger that just won't go away. Even if things go well for you now, a part of your attention remains on trying to untie a knot in your stomach. Be careful not to slip into holiday mode to avoid an important issue. Instead, use your mind to help you reach your goals. Think before acting boldly.
Excerpts from the MTV diary of Christina Aguilera, also during Stripped
(from FallenxxOxangel)

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