Christmas was nice...comfortable nice....
I'm going to attempt to concentrate on writing all the things I want to, but when your bedroom is 62 degrees because your brother saw it fit to NOT turn on the house heat...well, that breaks your concentration a bit. Especially, if you're typing to the world in bed in a bubble jacket.
Christmas was comfortable. 3 family members came over, and I saw the girls: Chas, Linette and Tina that evening which as short as it was, was real nice.
As from before the time of the "Stripped" entry, I was doing some real hard core thinking about the New Jack and what has really been going on in my life during the last 3 years.
As per my last entry, it really has come to a breaking point with me and I'm truly ready to make some advances. I've been stressed and crying incessantly trying to cope and deal with all these feelings and they came out in a slight fit of anger with an ex...
Feel free to read the relevant piece of our convo, or just skip past it
Ex (8:43:35 PM): im not mad at you or not talking to you anymore
Ex (8:43:43 PM): i hope youre not pissed at me
New Jack (8:45:55 PM): i was heavily annoyed at one point and then....a lot has been going on where im slowing realizing that i have to take things as they are and i cant fight everything that other people want
New Jack (8:46:24 PM): and my issue has always been that i never accept that fact..
New Jack (8:46:47 PM): im very very impatient, and im very dominant
New Jack (8:46:50 PM): and i realized that...
New Jack (8:46:55 PM): this isnt the way the world works.....
New Jack (8:47:37 PM): and people have rights, and if they dont wanna do something..or talk to me...or see me, whatever said case may be i CANNOT force people to do things, nor so should I WANT to force someone cause then it isnt genuine
New Jack (8:47:57 PM): and ive been crying almost everyday for the last couple weeks
New Jack (8:48:08 PM): and its just...
New Jack (8:48:14 PM): you gotta roll with the punches....
New Jack (8:49:02 PM): for example, if i may want to spend all the time in the world with Matt and if he either 1. doesnt have that allotted time or 2. doesnt have the mutual feeling that i do ...i cannot FORCE him to nor should i WANT to force him because his mind/heart will be elsewhere
New Jack (8:49:07 PM): and it applies to everything....
New Jack (8:49:23 PM): my impatience has rotted me inside...
New Jack (8:50:19 PM): and now that ive confronted to an extent the source of all these feelings...the impatience, the force, the yelling...im in an extremely fragile state but maybe its the stepping stone to something better
New Jack (8:50:24 PM): my grandmother is dead
New Jack (8:50:27 PM): she isnt coming back
New Jack (8:50:32 PM): Charmaine is selling the house
New Jack (8:50:36 PM): and thats the end of it
New Jack (8:51:03 PM): I havent had a sense of life direction since the death but that doesnt mean i dont HAVE to have that direction
New Jack (8:51:08 PM): NOW
New Jack (8:51:22 PM): i was never impatient, thats why everyone walked all over me in school
New Jack (8:51:30 PM): very patient and too trusting
New Jack (8:51:47 PM): and she died and I became the exact opposite way for what is about to be 4 years
New Jack (8:52:48 PM): and I was living life with a lot more success prior to the death and change in demeanor and maybe to an extent things arent going well in life for me now because i changed
New Jack (8:53:18 PM): maybe this has all been God's way of showing me i didn't make a positive change after her death
New Jack (8:53:30 PM): I cry all the time because I'm alone
New Jack (8:53:37 PM): I dont have a job
New Jack (8:53:49 PM): I'm in my house alone everyday of the week
New Jack (8:53:57 PM): i have no transportation to leave, and i'm prisoner here
New Jack (8:54:24 PM): and my impatience to LEAVE is jsut making matters worse because i never made a POSITIVE CHANGE
Ex (8:56:51 PM): i think im beginning to understand
Ex (8:57:15 PM): i want to help out, but im not sure how...
New Jack (8:59:24 PM): i wouldnt know how to tell you but theres a lot i need to fix in order to make 08 truly great and turn shit around for myself
Ex (9:00:21 PM):
Ex (9:00:37 PM):
New Jack (9:01:00 PM): im not going to be...the one to chase is what im saying....ive been i guess hounding people etc and the whole force thing...so its like if you wanted that space, its granted
New Jack (9:01:05 PM): like i'll leave you alone
New Jack (9:01:18 PM): and it doesnt have to be because of everything i began to express to you
Ex (9:02:08 PM): its not even that
Ex (9:02:18 PM): i DONT want you to leave
Ex (9:02:27 PM): and you havent been hounding me at all
Ex (9:02:44 PM): I'VE been feeling like i have
We took our conversation to the phone and I've come to realize that I've really changed in some negative aspects not because I WANTED to, but as the reaction to negative things occurring. My credit is shot, from never grieving the death and basically for the last couple years attempting to buy my happiness. Literally.
I've finally confronted all my demons.
And it's not been pretty in the least. I'm not sure how much more it is humanly possible for me to cry. Maybe, its because I never grieved properly all these years.
Since New Years 2006, I made it a point to try and "transform" myself or "reinvent" myself for the upcoming year. I made it a kooky tradition to start just by doing something I've never done with my hair before to offset the new year and this new hair will be debuted to the public on New Years eve. 2006 I went very Jessica Rabbit, 2007 I went complete firecrotch. 2008 is a little simpler, the the fullness of my hair is to represent the abundance of good things to come for 2008 because I've finally confronted the demons and have carved out a really nice path as to how to finally start to fix them. My head is buzzing with so much ideas and thoughts and things that would aid in clarifying it all for you guys, but I can't even begin to write it all down. It's truly too much. Maybe this is because I shouldn't talk about it, and just be about it. People will see the changes on their own, and if they don't this change was more MY peace primarily anyway.
So maybe, if 2008 is going the way I want it to go...
Maybe, I'll live the Mary life, "No More Drama"