Monday, December 3, 2007

A little taste of heartbreak2

so my significant other and I are on non-speaking terms until further notice.

I think I can finally give a decent replay of what head is still spinning from it, so this is going to be a very broken up story, my apologies in advance...

Saturday night, on a double date, the other couple accompanying us were having a fight and the significant and I were completely fine, sitting in his car watching them fight outside in the cold. I said to him that I don't want us to wind up at the stage that they are at right now. Forwarding the conversation down the line I mentioned him spending the night with me. He said no, in a harsh manner following up with the fact that he spent Friday night with me. Jokingly, I replied to him saying "Wow ok, so you spent Friday night with me, you can't spend Saturday night with me too?" and his immediate response was, "So what, I live here now?". I was completely taken aback by the harshness of his responses not understanding WHY he felt this way. It came out later on that I "force" him to spend time with me. Hurt and shocked, I left his parked car and the couple who just reconciled and went back into my house without everyone.

I called the significant on Sunday morning to attempt to explain to him how taken aback, hurt and offended I was that he felt forced to be around me as opposed to WANTING to be around me. My quiet, sad approach to explain was returned by incessant screaming, yelling and accusation that my feelings are without merit. He flipped for instance the fact that he did something offensive into "Your feelings are hurt, what else is new". "You're always offended by something that I do Dee, oh my God..." The conversation ended by me crying and absolutely nothing being solved. He had a ball game that evening at 6. When I arrived and sat directly next to him. He never greeted me or acknowledged my presence ONCE. After his game when driving me and Denzel home, he made talk all throughout the car ride about the game. Not noting my silence and still yet to apologize or anything of that nature. Upon my exit, I was quite formal telling him thank you for the ride and simply left the car. Shocked and confused he said to me "Daaaammn, Dee thanks for saying goodbye to me" implying that he didn't receive his usual "goodbye" which would have consisted of hugs and several kisses. I curtly replied "I did say goodbye to you, I said 'thanks' ". I turned and went into my house, and he thought it was proper to express himself by leaving tire marks in front of my house as he sped off.

The significant did not attempt to contact me at any point there after. After thought and discussion with one of my exes I did the following this morning:

I sent a text message stating, "I dont know what you're feeling or when you were planning to apologize but I think it would be wise to take space after how I was treated yesterday". I received an immediate response of "Even if I did apologize you would still be upset about what happened yesterday".

Me: would've shown you understood how HURT I was by everything and you pretended as if I wasn't there and my feelings didn't matter, I'm tired of always having to come to you. So since it wasn't in your heart to apologize about the phone conversation nor acknowledge me at the game, I'm going to keep away from you until you find it to do right by me".

Despite my initial stance against calling, I called once and of course received the voicemail and quickly stated that indeed I will be staying away from him and this is the LAST phone call he will receive from me until he sees it fit to do right and call me to apologize or discuss the matter. If he chooses not to call me back ever again, being that I will not call back until I receive a call then good luck with everything in your life.

As I explained to my ex last night, I truly don't feel anything right now. Something in the back of my head is telling me to lay down and cry, but I don't move. Something live in me reminds me that my throat hurts and I should go downstairs and get medicine, but I don't move. I stare blankly into space and move as instructed by my parents as if I were a zombie. I've eaten mechanically like a robot, not tasting anything but doing the motions: putting food into my mouth, chew, swallow, repeat. I cleared leaves outside in too thin of a jacket and something said to me "YOU ARE COLD", but I moved so robotic, raking, and bagging the leaves.

I feel numb.
I feel dead inside.

Robot moves anyone?

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