Friday, December 7, 2007

Leaving Him For Awhile

If you don't want to deal with true depression, feel free to scroll past this entry cause I'm currently too empty to give a fuck.

This is Summer Walker:

This is me:

I am Deidre Monique Henry.
I am a 21 year old college graduate of SUNY College at Oneonta. I have a bachelors of the arts degree and I am currently unemployed. I am struggling with my weight. I believe I am currently at 160 pounds and my measurements are 38 1/2-30-42. I used to have a 27 inch waist and a 40 inch hip. I am a resident of Suffolk County, Long Island. I was born native to the island of Jamaica, and was brought to Brooklyn, New York as a child. I have one sibling, a younger brother. My parents are not divorced. I have a tendency to keloid when scarred, therefore my ears are not pierced. This is inherited from my mother.

I never get the right man. I never win the raffles at parties. I'm usually somewhere in the last to know something. I always love the people who treat me bad and continuously display hope,love and affection in hopes they will CHANGE. Though when peeved I might be quick to cut OFF a friendship, I usually never give up on people. Never giving up people that I always NEEDED to give up on has repeatedly been my downfall. I was never the woman to have several female friends, women are very intimidated by me and are defensive and catty before they show me friendliness. I am never viewed by men as the one to have a relationship with, I am always viewed as the sexual object. The prize. Despite this, when viewed by women I am always one of two extremes, the uber cute one or the uber seductress that can possibly stir the waters between her and her boyfriend. I am thoroughly liked and I am simultaneously thoroughly hated. As a 21 year old, I have not indulged a quarter as much as I should have in the "party" life to "define" and announce to the world that indeed I am legal. I have past shoulder length, but very thin hair. This too is inherited from my mother and 12% Indian blood that runs in me. Occasionally, I miss college, the majority of the time, I do not.

As of today, I am on a break and borderline single with the person I was currently dating: W. Matthew Johns Jr. I have not cried, nor currently feel the desire to. He is not phased by my text message at nearly 1a.m. stating that we're on a break, I received a reply of "Fine, if that's what you want". He no longer cares. I was stood up last night by the person who was my boyfriend. He purposely ignored my calls and texts messages in efforts to reach him to see if he was still coming to see me. I was blamed for our break, when I was the person stood up last night and had her efforts of contact purposely ignored. I was told in reference to my anger of the situation, down right fucking annoyance and the choice to take a break from this person that, "That's messed up" In 19 months of dating this person, I've always said that nothing has changed, in actuality so much has changed that it is the direct source of our problems. I intend to not reach out to him in any form of communication whatsoever unless contacted FIRST for at least a minimum of one week. I will be utilizing this time in prayer for myself and currently more prominent situations and continuing my search for a job. I will be exercising thoroughly in order to bring my waist measurement back down an additional 3 inches. I hope he utilizes the time that I will not be speaking to him wisely. I hope that somehow, someway he may come to realization of what his life has become as a 25 year old. I hope that he realizes maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon that displacement of blame does nothing for him. I hope he realizes that he has taken no responsibility in his life for someone who shall turn 26 in under 5 months. I hope that it comes to him that he is truly responsible for the condition of his life and surroundings as they currently stand. I repeat, I hope this time is utilized wisely.

I can only hope.

I will be concentrating on myself as best I possibly can concentrate. I have repeated myself too many times to count in a duration of 19 months and at this point there is truly nothing else to say but utilize the time WISELY. THINK. UNDERSTAND. HAVE AN EPIPHANY. CHANGE FOR GOOD. BE RESPONSIBLE.

I'm used to never winning the prize. Not ever having the right man. Being the odd one out. Prior to high school the one boys always had to "take one for the team". I do not feel that I am a pretty woman. Men gravitate to me simply because of my physical endowments, not for my face or godforbid my personality. Since youth I have always wondered if I looked more like someone like: Summer Walker, would I NOT currently have the problems I've always had and have now? It's something that has plagued my mind since easily 7 years old, if I looked more like the women that were always favored and had NO problems in life because they're the "pretty ones" how much more simplistic would my life be? At 12, I began buying bleaching creams and lathering them on my entire body as if they were lotion. Of course, all in efforts to be lighter and "prettier". This isn't only skin deep.

I guess I'll never find out whether looking for like Summer will allow me to keep the men I fall in love with in this life.

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