Monday, December 24, 2007

Not Holiday Hopeful

I don't have anything crazy exciting to write about..
Nothing WILD in the world is going on that I can update you on..
Feeling sadly in and out of sync is all I can pretty much tell you about...

I spent a pretty carefree afternoon in Brooklyn. Had some good laughs but was sadly reminded of what the holidays have become for me. Ever since my grandmother passed away in 2004, every Christmas time has some melancholy cloud over it. Beginning approximately at the time of Thanksgiving or immediately afterwards.

Christmas '04: First Christmas as a family the year my grandmother dies. As opposed to spending the holiday together as usual, we all scattered ourselves as far a way from each other as possible.
Christmas '05: My mother underwent yet another surgery, days before Christmas. I was notified that I would basically homeless for the following school year if I didn't find my own apartment after being voted out of a suite by all white roommates.
Christmas '06: The beginning stages of final separation from Steven after thousands of empty promises had run its course. My father was unemployed for about a year and change at this point, and we were surviving off of my mothers' disabled salary. I was a senior at Oneonta and this too was the beginning grounds of trouble for Simone and I. Ridiculously busy with work, the Significant became distant despite the initial excitement that I was home from Oneonta which became brewing grounds for lots of fights.

....Christmas '07: I have a degree, with no job. I don't even physically possess the degree because I owe the college $1700. After 2 years of unemployment, my parents are still desperately trying to correct all the financial damage and the December mortgage on my house has not been paid as yet. The Significant is again as a retail worker similar to so many others, is swamped with work. I see him just about once per week since Black Friday, and if I'm insanely lucky maybe 2 or 3 times. My grandmother's house is finally about to be up for sale. For the first time in 14 years since the day we moved everything into that house, I have seen it empty. I've already physically lost the house is going too. Not being able to see my friends or Significant during this time, has just made the term "lonely" the biggest understatement. Empty and sadness couldn't possibly clarify what I'm feeling. My hypoglycemia acting up along with these not great feelings aren't exactly keeping me awake either. I'm doing a lot of sleeping. Hypoglycemia+Depression=10-13 hours of sleep at night

Despite these feelings......
Merry Christmas to all.

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