Fixing The Zen

What the hell is the matter with me?
Why don't we as people practice what we preach?

I've been so broken down by so many things that I've entered a quiet state of contemplation which has become the brewing grounds for envy. Due to my broken state and lack of motivation I've begun to sit and envy everything that I feel those around me or those I know have. The epicenter of all of this of course, is money. Because, if I had money "I would have worn a way cuter top with that fierce ass skirt.." and if I had money, "I would be paying off my civil suit, not wasting it on that bull shit that they're wasting it on..do you know what I could do with that money?"

Its not good.

I have constant headaches and the stress levels continue to keep me in a state of confusion. I felt this way last week, and slightly still do. Being unaware of where this blog is going to take me, if anywhere, what is my niche, how its going to generate a fan base etc. instead of AGAIN focusing on the main point which is that this is for ME. The best part about writing shit down, is that it can be referenced. The list I made for new years 2008 I dug up in this blog to REMIND me as to what the objectives are. Without it, I just sit lost and questioning my every thought, which already are questions in themselves.

My bedroom looks like it could be a news shot of Katrina. I am not a sloppy person and I cannot focus worse so when my bedroom ("the place of Zen"-BFF) is in a mess. Maybe because it truly is a place of Zen. My bedroom, even when I had my own apartment was the most IMPORTANT part of the house. It is truly where you escape the drama of the world, where you can retreat to and never be rejected. When you are woeful, tired, stressed, happy, whatever your bed will never reject you. A person's bedroom set up says A LOT about them to me at least. I am EXTREMELY analytical when I first enter a person's bedroom because it speaks so much to me. My bedroom has been a Katrina screen capture since the weekend of Nikki's arrival-2/29/08. Today is 3/12/2008.

I don't know why people read my blog.
I never go out of my way to make this shit entertaining, I just write about...my life. I'm not sure why I keep losing the focus of what this is about. My life. I'm not famous. I think I'm famous. I'm not important. I want to be. Regardless of all this, the focus of this whole thing is truly, my life. I've read so much about "blogging niches" and the extreme importance of having a niche because thats what will determine who reads and who doesn't read. My subscriber count dropped significantly and it alarmed me..should it?

The niche, is me.
Subscribe if you wish, but don't interrupt the Zen.

and Bff, I'm cleaning up this bed as we speak...No more Zen interruptions.